I’m in a rush to ctb

[rabbithole]

I thought ctb meant "cut to black" before reading what it actually stands for lol.

anyway I am in a true rush to ctb. Life is quickly getting worse. I have a chronic pain condition, top of the McGill pain scale pain condition, and no pain management at all. Also no sexual function due to a spinal cord injury. All of this because of a procedure I never needed done. I already suffered with depression, social anxiety and BDD before this happened. My household is getting scary af. Lots of screaming matches, my mom threatening to leave my dad (theyve always had a happy marriage before this happened to me), threatening to call 911. She came very close last night to calling. I am unable to shower and brush my teeth most days due to severe debilitating depression.

I don't know how to end it. I am going to order SN but my dad might ask me what was in the package since he knows that I am suicidal. I also don't have Meto although I do have olanzipine which is an antiemetic. I don't know how tf I'd fast on olanzipine though...it makes you eat nonstop.

man, I don't know. Any suggestions? Will olanzipine stop me from vomiting?

guys, please never take your health for granted. I understand depression doesn't discriminate but having your physical health gives you some opportunities you wouldn't otherwise have - namely, employment and the ability to go to school. Doesn't cure depression but without those things you're even more isolated. Idk. If I were healthy I'd never dream of suicide. Probably only think of it passively. I had too much to live for before this

 

[stygal]

I thought ctb meant "cut to black" before reading what it actually stands for lol.

anyway I am in a true rush to ctb. Life is quickly getting worse. I have a chronic pain condition, top of the McGill pain scale pain condition, and no pain management at all. Also no sexual function due to a spinal cord injury. All of this because of a procedure I never needed done. I already suffered with depression, social anxiety and BDD before this happened. My household is getting scary af. Lots of screaming matches, my mom threatening to leave my dad (theyve always had a happy marriage before this happened to me), threatening to call 911. She came very close last night to calling. I am unable to shower and brush my teeth most days due to severe debilitating depression.

I don't know how to end it. I am going to order SN but my dad might ask me what was in the package since he knows that I am suicidal. I also don't have Meto although I do have olanzipine which is an antiemetic. I don't know how tf I'd fast on olanzipine though...it makes you eat nonstop.

man, I don't know. Any suggestions? Will olanzipine stop me from vomiting?

guys, please never take your health for granted. I understand depression doesn't discriminate but having your physical health gives you some opportunities you wouldn't otherwise have - namely, employment and the ability to go to school. Doesn't cure depression but without those things you're even more isolated. Idk. If I were healthy I'd never dream of suicide. Probably only think of it passively. I had too much to live for before this

I feel for you soo much. Eventhough my pain is probably half as bad as yours...for the last 5 years my physical health has gone down the drain and is continuing to be even worse as I age. And it does play a huge role in wanting to ctb which I probably wouldn't if I were "just" depressed (no offense to anyone who wants to do it just cause of mental problems - just how I feel - cause physical pain bothers me more and definitely made my life worse)
Lots of virtual hugs for you!

I can't really give you any advice tho - try ordering it and send it to a P.O. Box or order it and get it delivered on a day nobody's around.

take care <3

 

[dropdeadfred]

I thought ctb meant "cut to black" before reading what it actually stands for lol.

anyway I am in a true rush to ctb. Life is quickly getting worse. I have a chronic pain condition, top of the McGill pain scale pain condition, and no pain management at all. Also no sexual function due to a spinal cord injury. All of this because of a procedure I never needed done. I already suffered with depression, social anxiety and BDD before this happened. My household is getting scary af. Lots of screaming matches, my mom threatening to leave my dad (theyve always had a happy marriage before this happened to me), threatening to call 911. She came very close last night to calling. I am unable to shower and brush my teeth most days due to severe debilitating depression.

I don't know how to end it. I am going to order SN but my dad might ask me what was in the package since he knows that I am suicidal. I also don't have Meto although I do have olanzipine which is an antiemetic. I don't know how tf I'd fast on olanzipine though...it makes you eat nonstop.

man, I don't know. Any suggestions? Will olanzipine stop me from vomiting?

guys, please never take your health for granted. I understand depression doesn't discriminate but having your physical health gives you some opportunities you wouldn't otherwise have - namely, employment and the ability to go to school. Doesn't cure depression but without those things you're even more isolated. Idk. If I were healthy I'd never dream of suicide. Probably only think of it passively. I had too much to live for before this

You sweet soul. I hope you find relief soon. ((Hugs))
P.S. "Cut to black"- I like it!

 

[yetme]

I feel for you man. pain is the reason I'm here too.

 

[rabbithole]

I feel for you man. pain is the reason I'm here too.

I'm sorry. Is it unmanaged? I feel like pain management is a joke. I hope you at least get a break from it sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 25349]

Same here. My family doesn't understand it. Physical and not being able to have a normal life is the reason i dont want to be here anymore.

 

[Worndown]

I understand. Sometimes life moves beyond your grasp.