redhousepainters
Member
- Dec 15, 2022
- 9
I am not cognizant as to the reasons for posting this for I know it matters all too little and I wish to be gone soon but I shall be gone in a month or two and I want someone to be able to hear my story. I can't tell someone in real life about it for obvious reasons and I can't tell my therapist either lest I should be institutionalized and lose the freedom to CTB. I haven't so much as a modicum of shame in conceding to not having lived a significant life wherein I did something worthwhile but I want my story to be heard.
Things first went south for me when I was around 4-5 and had CSA occur to me. Didn't have the best of families either and the mortification and immobilisation induced by being a witness to my mother being beaten by my father at around 8 left me scarred for life. Sexual abuse again at 9. Had someone show me pornography and touch me and stroke me while doing it. It sounds a bit mundane I admit and I reckon there are many who have been through worse but it was a terrible experience for me culminating in depression and suicidal ideation at 12 and I have been dealing with them ever since. Had little knowledge as to the fact I could have reached out for treatment for I didn't have the best and most conducive of environments but I am being treated for the last two years and it has done nothing.
This would all have been manageable were it not for what's happened this month. My brother and my only sibling killed himself this October. It wasn't great dealing with it but there was some solace in the knowledge that I could have done nought to prevent it for he had issues of his own and he did it for reasons not too different from mine. I could have still survived for I had the most wonderful and the most loving and the most caring girlfriend and she was always by my side and she was the most beautiful of human beings. I still desired to have a life not least because of her but she killed herself a week ago; and that too perhaps could have been endured were it not for her killing herself because of me. She did it because of me. She did it because of something I said. She did it because I hurt her too much and she said this before she did the deed.
I am hurting so bad. I can't do this. Please let me go. Please. I can't do this. I can't wait to be done with this. I can't wait for this depression to end. I can't wait to cross over to the other side. I am in so much pain and I am never going to be okay and I don't want to be okay either.
Things first went south for me when I was around 4-5 and had CSA occur to me. Didn't have the best of families either and the mortification and immobilisation induced by being a witness to my mother being beaten by my father at around 8 left me scarred for life. Sexual abuse again at 9. Had someone show me pornography and touch me and stroke me while doing it. It sounds a bit mundane I admit and I reckon there are many who have been through worse but it was a terrible experience for me culminating in depression and suicidal ideation at 12 and I have been dealing with them ever since. Had little knowledge as to the fact I could have reached out for treatment for I didn't have the best and most conducive of environments but I am being treated for the last two years and it has done nothing.
This would all have been manageable were it not for what's happened this month. My brother and my only sibling killed himself this October. It wasn't great dealing with it but there was some solace in the knowledge that I could have done nought to prevent it for he had issues of his own and he did it for reasons not too different from mine. I could have still survived for I had the most wonderful and the most loving and the most caring girlfriend and she was always by my side and she was the most beautiful of human beings. I still desired to have a life not least because of her but she killed herself a week ago; and that too perhaps could have been endured were it not for her killing herself because of me. She did it because of me. She did it because of something I said. She did it because I hurt her too much and she said this before she did the deed.
I am hurting so bad. I can't do this. Please let me go. Please. I can't do this. I can't wait to be done with this. I can't wait for this depression to end. I can't wait to cross over to the other side. I am in so much pain and I am never going to be okay and I don't want to be okay either.
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