Last time I was here, I just made an account and looked around for a little bit. I left here with empathy in my heart for all the people, who I knew felt just like I did back then. When was this? A couple months ago, I think. And besides the empathy, there was one other thing I took with me as well: the faint hope, that I'm never going to return and that I'll never make a post here. But here I am again.
It's hard to put into words what I feel. There is this person, my friend, my love. Whatever I do, they are always in the back of my mind, I converse with them. I always had this strange thing with me, that the way I hear my thoughts is more like a conversation, or rather a monologue. But this monologue is aimed at someone. After meeting them, at some point they became the sole audience of my skull, and then I knew that I was in love. But the thing is, they are much more than that.
I feel like there is something missing in me, some person shaped hole in my heart, where I should be, but I'm not. I'm just a skeleton, a collection of learned behaviors, to hide this emptiness, this shame, this hunger. But it's a hole deeper than anything, it doesn't have a bottom, you can't just fill it up. The more you give, the more it takes, and it yawns just as empty as it was before it consumed you. They are just the perfect shape for this hole. They fill me up, I feel complete with them, life's good when they are around, and when there's peace between us. Or is it good? I don't know anymore.
When they are not with me, my heart shrivels, I become the husk of a man, that I truly am, and the world loses its colors. I feel betrayed by them, I'm angry at them, but for what? For my own failings, and it just makes me feel even more terrible. They just go on living their own lives, and in the small hours of the night, just when I'm alone, it starts. Today, as I was walking home, I was looking constantly at my back, thinking someone was following me. It was just my own shadow. I think I'm just going mad. This eggshell I feel I am is crumbling under whatever weight. I don't even know why is it so hard to be alone. I don't know anything anymore. When I was younger, I thought I had answers, now I don't even have the questions. This incoherent rambling is the thing that's left of me. This is me, broken, naked and alone.
Let me start again... When they are not with me, I feel like everything is bad. That the world is bad, I am bad, even they are bad. I go around in circles blaming everyone for how I feel, then I realize it has some other cause, and this goes on and on and on and on. First, I just feel jealous, for the fun they are having, while I'm stuck here in my head, never able to escape. Then comes the realization of what I'm doing, and I flagellate myself for my selfishness. Then of course I realize it's not my fault, the world made me what I am... Then I go back to them, thinking they are just as part of this world as I am, in conclusion, guilty in destroying me. I become suspicious, paranoid even, I imagine them cheating on me, I imagine them getting hurt, and as I shift the blame to myself again, the guilt transforms into a desire for punishment. I just want to feel horrific, I want to hurt myself, I want to sabotage my life. Then, when it's too much, the thought comes: "I need to kill myself."
I think too much in this circle. Now I don't think they have anything to do with it. They just made me forget somehow that life is fucking hard, and I'm a piece of shit, and when they are not around it all falls to pieces. It's just me, unfit for happiness, and the world unfit to sustain happiness. The conclusion is the same. I need to kill myself.
I don't want to. I'm very much afraid of death, just the thought of ceasing to exist frightens me to my very core. But it feels like I have no choices left, it feels like I never had a choice. I just hurt. I hurt myself, I hurt the ones I love. The last time I was here, we were after a painful fight with them, and I think that's when the imperative to kill myself first revealed itself to me. Whoever is the victim of my misbehaviors, me or them, this is the only solution that I'm able to find.
You see, without them, I'm a complete mess, the glue that's holding me together most days is the fact that I love them, and they love me too. But this is not the kind of love they deserve. For me it used to be so pure, without any need. Just appreciating them for what they were, wherever they were, with whomever they were. Now I feel I tainted that love. I became needy, I became reliant, I became something subhuman, just an appendix in their life. Without them I hold no meaning, no concept, no function. So this love... I don't know what it is, for what becomes of love, when you need it just to stay alive? I don't feel this is an existence worth performing, this existence is in fact something repulsive, so I must cease it.
I talk about them again, but it's beside the point. They are just in the focus of the thoughts that made me realize all this. In fact, nobody really ever wanted me. I make a good show, disguising myself as a human being, but I'm just a broken piece of trash, and whenever someone realized what I was, they just discarded me, as it was my purpose. They are going to do it too, and that's what I worth. Maybe, that will finally give me the strength, to do what needs to be done.
It's hard to put into words what I feel. There is this person, my friend, my love. Whatever I do, they are always in the back of my mind, I converse with them. I always had this strange thing with me, that the way I hear my thoughts is more like a conversation, or rather a monologue. But this monologue is aimed at someone. After meeting them, at some point they became the sole audience of my skull, and then I knew that I was in love. But the thing is, they are much more than that.
I feel like there is something missing in me, some person shaped hole in my heart, where I should be, but I'm not. I'm just a skeleton, a collection of learned behaviors, to hide this emptiness, this shame, this hunger. But it's a hole deeper than anything, it doesn't have a bottom, you can't just fill it up. The more you give, the more it takes, and it yawns just as empty as it was before it consumed you. They are just the perfect shape for this hole. They fill me up, I feel complete with them, life's good when they are around, and when there's peace between us. Or is it good? I don't know anymore.
When they are not with me, my heart shrivels, I become the husk of a man, that I truly am, and the world loses its colors. I feel betrayed by them, I'm angry at them, but for what? For my own failings, and it just makes me feel even more terrible. They just go on living their own lives, and in the small hours of the night, just when I'm alone, it starts. Today, as I was walking home, I was looking constantly at my back, thinking someone was following me. It was just my own shadow. I think I'm just going mad. This eggshell I feel I am is crumbling under whatever weight. I don't even know why is it so hard to be alone. I don't know anything anymore. When I was younger, I thought I had answers, now I don't even have the questions. This incoherent rambling is the thing that's left of me. This is me, broken, naked and alone.
Let me start again... When they are not with me, I feel like everything is bad. That the world is bad, I am bad, even they are bad. I go around in circles blaming everyone for how I feel, then I realize it has some other cause, and this goes on and on and on and on. First, I just feel jealous, for the fun they are having, while I'm stuck here in my head, never able to escape. Then comes the realization of what I'm doing, and I flagellate myself for my selfishness. Then of course I realize it's not my fault, the world made me what I am... Then I go back to them, thinking they are just as part of this world as I am, in conclusion, guilty in destroying me. I become suspicious, paranoid even, I imagine them cheating on me, I imagine them getting hurt, and as I shift the blame to myself again, the guilt transforms into a desire for punishment. I just want to feel horrific, I want to hurt myself, I want to sabotage my life. Then, when it's too much, the thought comes: "I need to kill myself."
I think too much in this circle. Now I don't think they have anything to do with it. They just made me forget somehow that life is fucking hard, and I'm a piece of shit, and when they are not around it all falls to pieces. It's just me, unfit for happiness, and the world unfit to sustain happiness. The conclusion is the same. I need to kill myself.
I don't want to. I'm very much afraid of death, just the thought of ceasing to exist frightens me to my very core. But it feels like I have no choices left, it feels like I never had a choice. I just hurt. I hurt myself, I hurt the ones I love. The last time I was here, we were after a painful fight with them, and I think that's when the imperative to kill myself first revealed itself to me. Whoever is the victim of my misbehaviors, me or them, this is the only solution that I'm able to find.
You see, without them, I'm a complete mess, the glue that's holding me together most days is the fact that I love them, and they love me too. But this is not the kind of love they deserve. For me it used to be so pure, without any need. Just appreciating them for what they were, wherever they were, with whomever they were. Now I feel I tainted that love. I became needy, I became reliant, I became something subhuman, just an appendix in their life. Without them I hold no meaning, no concept, no function. So this love... I don't know what it is, for what becomes of love, when you need it just to stay alive? I don't feel this is an existence worth performing, this existence is in fact something repulsive, so I must cease it.
I talk about them again, but it's beside the point. They are just in the focus of the thoughts that made me realize all this. In fact, nobody really ever wanted me. I make a good show, disguising myself as a human being, but I'm just a broken piece of trash, and whenever someone realized what I was, they just discarded me, as it was my purpose. They are going to do it too, and that's what I worth. Maybe, that will finally give me the strength, to do what needs to be done.
