im going to try

[flower_g1rl]

as the title says, im going to try and get my shit together. im not planning on catching the bus for a while, i have to live in between that time. and i want to live well, not miserably. if i can help it; i think i will still be hopelessly sad, as i am. i accept it. there are some things that will eventually catch up with me, its hard to explain; but also very easy. i just want to live a bit and achieve some of my goals b4 i ctb. in 10-15 years (i might not even want to by that time) i'd like to try and treat myself well? if i can. for once, it'd be a nice change. im curious as to how it is going to be and feel. to rest when tired, eat when hungry, stretch when stiff, drink when thirsty, not sit paralyzed by something that seems bigger than myself. how it would feel to start and finish tasks, to move a bit forward, to be a little happy? i just cant kms if i didnt feel ok, at least once, in my life. i want to die happy, by my own hand. if that makes sense to you. i've made some steps, i've quit a big chunk of the online world, i feel so much better. i always made my problems worse by torturing my body... hunched over infront of my screen, consuming toxicity online as if it was my friend. self neglect is very easy, the opposite is a lot of hard work. i think i'd like to do the hard work - just to prove to myself that i can. i want to overcome this, and have my suicide be a totally rational, peaceful ending. at some point, somewhere out there in my life. this sentiment is prone to change, and maybe naive; i totally sabotage my own happiness, in short i'd like not to anymore, thats all; killing myself is always an option. still a lot left unsaid; i think i need to come here less, i'll come back and tell you if im doing ok. just tired of being tired

 

[Oneness]

It's a positive step that you've taken by deciding to make changes and improve your life. I can see that you're determined to work on yourself, and that's a brave decision. Life can be incredibly challenging, and it's okay to seek happiness and make your well-being a priority. Like you said, it might be a good idea to take a long break from SaSu. I wish you all the best <3

 

[Enlighten]

You're very strong for making this decision. And you're absolutely right: You can always give life another chances & ctb later if it doesn't work out. I'm not planning on catching the bus myself anytime soon, but i'm still quite certain i'll die by my own hand someday.
The online world really can make your problems seem worse than they are.
I'm hoping you can find feelings of happiness in the real world.

 

[flower_g1rl]

thank you everyone, that is very sweet <3

 

[Cloud Busting]

Beautifully put. I relate to so much of this.

CTB is a personal decision, and I would never tell people how they should or shouldn't feel about it. For me however, I really don't consider it freeing oneself from suffering, but chaining yourself to it. Like you, I want to die peacefully, and not in pain. If I cannot find peace on earth, ctb is always an option, but I too want to try before I quit the game. I see freeing myself as overcoming or at least coping with suffering in my lifetime. Ctb to end suffering to me, is being enslaved and trapped by it. I guess to me, living is being truly free. People are free to disagree. (:

Self destruction is so easy. I guess my viewpoint on life is a challenge to conquer. A puzzle to solve. Viewing life as a quest for truth or meaning or joy or pleasure doesn't help me. Seeing it as a test to outsmart is what gives me motivation. Recovery is fucking hard, but achieving a difficult thing is worth it to me.

I'm not a professional and I'm speaking from personal experience, but I find my view of myself is parallel to my recovery. If I don't think I deserve recovery, I will continue to self-sabatoge. Reframing your view of yourself is my tip.

I'm likely going to frequent this forum less too. At first I needed the support, but I think I've exhausted what it can do for me. I'm still gonna stick around for a bit, but I hope to move forward soon.

You are free to pm me if you want to talk to someone on discord. I'm so happy you're on a path to feeling better.

 

[annxietty]

Im in the process of recoverying and I feel identified with many things you've said, I wish you the best, hope you can find that happiness. From what Im experiencing myself I can say Its hard, veeeryyy hard, sometimes you think "why keep trying?" you will feel angry, despair, sadness... Dont feel bad if you return momentarly to toxic habits, some days you cant help it, but I can see you have made your mind and I feel you will make it. Happiness is something you feel momentarly, not something perpetual, as long as you know this I feel you will be fine. I still have a lot of work to do, and my mind is still set on ending things someday, but we have to try... because we are alive.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Im in the process of recoverying and I feel identified with many things you've said, I wish you the best, hope you can find that happiness. From what Im experiencing myself I can say Its hard, veeeryyy hard, sometimes you think "why keep trying?" you will feel angry, despair, sadness... Dont feel bad if you return momentarly to toxic habits, some days you cant help it, but I can see you have made your mind and I feel you will make it. Happiness is something you feel momentarly, not something perpetual, as long as you know this I feel you will be fine. I still have a lot of work to do, and my mind is still set on ending things someday, but we have to try... because we are alive.

A lot of people argue we die anyway, so why delay the inevitable? To me, it's a reason to live. I'm gonna die eventually, so fuck it. Let's see how much bs I can overcome while I'm still here.

I can't speak for anyone else, but trying to be happy makes it worse for me. I only seem to find joy when I'm not looking for it. I am instead focusing on reframing negative thoughts, and accepting my emotions. I'm tired? Pissed? Nervous? Empty inside? Ok, so I'll meet myself where I'm at then.

Taking things day by day and having few-if any- expectations helps.

 

[JustABug]

as the title says, im going to try and get my shit together. im not planning on catching the bus for a while, i have to live in between that time. and i want to live well, not miserably. if i can help it; i think i will still be hopelessly sad, as i am. i accept it. there are some things that will eventually catch up with me, its hard to explain; but also very easy. i just want to live a bit and achieve some of my goals b4 i ctb. in 10-15 years (i might not even want to by that time) i'd like to try and treat myself well? if i can. for once, it'd be a nice change. im curious as to how it is going to be and feel. to rest when tired, eat when hungry, stretch when stiff, drink when thirsty, not sit paralyzed by something that seems bigger than myself. how it would feel to start and finish tasks, to move a bit forward, to be a little happy? i just cant kms if i didnt feel ok, at least once, in my life. i want to die happy, by my own hand. if that makes sense to you. i've made some steps, i've quit a big chunk of the online world, i feel so much better. i always made my problems worse by torturing my body... hunched over infront of my screen, consuming toxicity online as if it was my friend. self neglect is very easy, the opposite is a lot of hard work. i think i'd like to do the hard work - just to prove to myself that i can. i want to overcome this, and have my suicide be a totally rational, peaceful ending. at some point, somewhere out there in my life. this sentiment is prone to change, and maybe naive; i totally sabotage my own happiness, in short i'd like not to anymore, thats all; killing myself is always an option. still a lot left unsaid; i think i need to come here less, i'll come back and tell you if im doing ok. just tired of being tired

This is beautiful. I wish you the absolute best

 

[Ksmиda]

Well done for starting to do something, it's the hardest part. After all, if you plan to ctb at some point, then why not try to live the best life you can? I agree with your belief that ctb should be done when you feel content and at peace with life, I'm trying to do the same.
Best of luck, and I hope it works out!

 

[Abandoned Character]

What you share is heartwarming. If I may probe, what goals of yours are you looking to pursue with this desire to try? I find that vocalizing my own desires helps me conceptualize them into simple actions that I can commit to, perhaps similar self-elaboration may benefit you.

 

[flower_g1rl]

What you share is heartwarming. If I may probe, what goals of yours are you looking to pursue with this desire to try? I find that vocalizing my own desires helps me conceptualize them into simple actions that I can commit to, perhaps similar self-elaboration may benefit you.

i was writing a reply to you, then realised i was dancing around what i really wanted to say. most important thing i wish to achieve, that will help me with everything else - the main goal - is to replenish my energy, to take care of myself physically and mentally (the last part is tricky, im probably only ever going to feel semi ok and i recognize that), every day im without any strength and constantly fatigued due to my own actions, learned thoughts and rituals. sleep is the beast im tackling for now, sleep early, up early. that sort of thing; and i try to go outside and monitor my screen time, set up reminders on when i should eat and drink. mental illness paralyses you in one spot, its hard to even get up to the bathroom sometimes, but i have to keep moving and take care of my body, if im not catching the bus any time soon. so i guess, thats the goal and these are the actions im taking. thank you for asking! <3