I'm going to lose everyone I care about.

[Kadaver]

I realized it a few days ago; I'm going to lose everyone. I'm going to be alone. My dads cancer prognosis is 2 years. My sibling is going to move in with their boyfriend. Then I'll be alone. Truly alone. My older sister is getting married and she didn't invite me because I was "aggressive" towards bigoted family members when they posted transphobic shit. Guess she's ashamed of me

And I just keep thinking why the fuck should I keep going? What is the fucking point? Do I wait till I'm alone and suffering even more? I don't want that. If I could, I would buy a fake passport and just disappear; go to another country after transitioning and forget about who I was. My life wasn't supposed to end up like this. I wasn't supposed to become this utter failure I am now. I keep remembering that and just crying. I cut all my hair off but idk if my family has even noticed because ive been wearing a beanie and hoodie to help hide it. I'm starting not to care anymore though.

I just don't want to lose any more than I already have. Why can't I just be someone else? Why couldn't I have been born lucky? I get to watch everyone else's lives move forward while I stay still. I keep thinking about just taking every fucking pill I have. All of them. I don't care if it's painful. I don't care if it might not work. I don't have any other way out. I feel like I don't have any other choice. I just want to be free of myself

I'd love to get better but it just doesn't feel possible. I don't have the money for the care I need, so maybe death is my best option

 

[SufferingDev]

Well - sadly...sometimes in life some people go - sometimes we don't even notice, and sometimes...well - we would do anything for them to come back.

I don't really know what to say - it is hard, I lost a lot of people in my life - and I'm still scared I will lose even more...that's a scary thought - but on the other hand - less people who care about me is less weight on the final day.