It sounds like you are alerting your mother of your plans to ctb. I do not understand how she keeps finding out your plans whenever you are about to go through with it.
I live with her and i have autism, so she's been aware about me all my life.. And I get caught also because I need connection and I tried to get in touch with her and she heard my voice... She knew everything.
But anyway I got sick of all this honestly. Living a miserable life of suffering, tears, toxicity, waiting with pain to end it, survival instincts.. This is too much.
I'm sorry for bother you all, I'm sorry for everything but I chose once again to just take my life in my hands and stop being a victim. It's too painful and it is way less painful to just keep on living and learning to cope instead of getting this much miserable and bringing into that everybody I love. I'm sorry but I quit.
Thanks for everybody here who got by my side.. I was sure 1000% that this was gonna be the end and I did everything for that. But that's life and I'll go through anyway.
I'm sorry, I choose life.
Goodbye.