Help I'm giving up on meds. I'm confused and need some opinions. Please

[BitterlyAlive]

This is the third med that's "worsened my depression" by giving me really bad and stupid suicidal and self harm urges. I literally just lay in bed. Still don't really take care of myself. Still find it hard to work. As always, I go for drives to try and feel connected to something and to distract myself from the dumb urges. Sometimes I bring a friend along. I still feel shitty, but I'm "doing something good" by hanging out with someone. In other words, I do it because I feel obligated.

I still feel detached from people, like a loser, worthless, a burden, just a really bad person.

My depression is still "severe". Yet my parents are glad I'm happier and getting off of the meds. I'm just putting on a show because I feel like I have to look okay. They expect me to feel better and I feel like I'm bad if I seem depressed around them.

But now I'm wondering if I'm faking my depression. Faking the horrible feelings, insomnia, fatigue, apathy, lack of motivation and anhedonia.

Just because my parents think I look happier.

Meanwhile, today my doctor says she wants me to try ECT and she's really worried about me. Am I manipulating her into thinking I'm worse off than I am? Am I faking these feelings and just being lazy? Am I just an asshole and faking the feelings of detachment?

I feel like such a liar. And I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I haven't slept in either 2 or 3 days, aside from an hour long nap. I honestly don't even know anymore.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

just because you seem "fine" to other people doesn't mean you're lying. and even if you were lying, that doesn't mean you don't deserve help. if people lie about feelings like this, then that usually means there's an underlying reason for lying. expressing negative emotions isn't a bad thing. feeling them in the first place isn't a bad thing. you're not a bad person for being mentally ill.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

just because you seem "fine" to other people doesn't mean you're lying. and even if you were lying, that doesn't mean you don't deserve help. if people lie about feelings like this, then that usually means there's an underlying reason for lying. expressing negative emotions isn't a bad thing. feeling them in the first place isn't a bad thing. you're not a bad person for being mentally ill.

Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind because I'm ruminating about this, my other diagnosis, and how I really need to sleep. And then there's all of that guilt...ugh

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I'm wondering if I'm faking my depression. Faking the horrible feelings, insomnia, fatigue, apathy, lack of motivation and anhedonia.

Just because my parents think I look happier.

Sounds like you're describing philosophical/psychological behaviourism:

"Behaviorism was a movement in psychology and philosophy that emphasized the outward behavioral aspects of thought and dismissed the inward experiential, and sometimes the inner procedural, aspects as well" (internet encyclopedia of philosophy)

According to behaviorists, external observation of behavior by a third party is the only valid method by which psychological states can meaningfully be ascribed to a person. The more radical forms of behaviorism (i.e. gilbert ryle) claim that there is even no such thing as inner, psychological states and emotions etc, and that psychological language can only map onto or refer to observable behavior.

So anyway, it just seems to me that you're doing a sort of behavioristic thing with yourself, in doubting your own inner thoughts and feelings, and giving more credence to how others perceive you through your behavior.

I'm not trying to criticize you or say you're wrong or anything, I just thought that the way you're looking at things is interesting.

 

[Viro_Major]

If I were you I'd give a go at the Stamet protocol :
* 850mg of Lion's Mane
* 100mg of vitamin B3 Niacin (nicotinic acid type, with flush effect)
* mushrooms/truffles microdosing every 3 days

Maybe add to the mix potent Turmeric at 95% curcumin with Bioperine

For me, it changed everything, I'm now depression free. In my case, I can vouch it's a way wiser route than anti-depressants, cause the side effects are almost absent.

The psilocybin alone can make you feel more attached to your environnement, whether people or trivial things.

 

[CuddleHug]

But now I'm wondering if I'm faking my depression. Faking the horrible feelings, insomnia, fatigue, apathy, lack of motivation and anhedonia.

You're not alone in feeling this way. It's something I'm struggling with too. I'm extremely good at hiding my inner feelings, so no one around me really knows how bad I feel on the inside. I'm so good at it that I sometimes trick myself into thinking I don't have all those issues. In the end, I always come to the same conclusion; I would never make all my suffering up, because that's just self-torture. It's real, it has to be.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I hid my feelings for most of my life so that I was functional. I kind of still do, but it's more in the spirit of acceptance. Unfortunately, no one can answer those questions for you. You feel how you feel. And if you are 'faking it then that's it's own issue too.
I've come of antidepressants because they were not working, just doing harm. It's a common misperception that others may assume you are doing better because you have come off them and one that's very easy to just superficially play into.
It can be very hard indeed to understand how you really feel, but that's a question only you can answer by listening to your own thoughts and feelings and being honest with yourself.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Thank you for the response, guys. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my ramblings and give their honest thoughts.

I guess I just doubt my judgment. I know how I feel is legit, but I doubt myself because I'm able to put up a facade and look okay.

 

[Sarahlynn]

I feel the same. I have been depressed my whole life, and I didn't realize until my 30's that everybody else actually did not feel this way, that most people are genuinely happy, and wake up wanting to live every day. I thought I was just bad at masking, while it seemed so easy for everyone else. I still struggle with understanding what is real struggle and what is everyday stuff that other people also have to deal with.

How do you know when something is genuinely bad, or if you just have to get your shit together and toughen up?

This has been a problem for me in therapy as well, as I don't validate my issues. There are probably people out there with "real" problems who could benefit from therapy, but won't get it, cause here I am taking up the space.

This was probably not helpful for you at all, but at least you know others also struggle with these thought.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

don't know if any help but I sometimes think they can make me worse for up to a month before they make me feel better.

 

[Cherrypea]

I feel the same. I have been depressed my whole life, and I didn't realize until my 30's that everybody else actually did not feel this way, that most people are genuinely happy, and wake up wanting to live every day. I thought I was just bad at masking, while it seemed so easy for everyone else. I still struggle with understanding what is real struggle and what is everyday stuff that other people also have to deal with.

How do you know when something is genuinely bad, or if you just have to get your shit together and toughen up?

This has been a problem for me in therapy as well, as I don't validate my issues. There are probably people out there with "real" problems who could benefit from therapy, but won't get it, cause here I am taking up the space.

This was probably not helpful for you at all, but at least you know others also struggle with these thought.

Oh my, this is exactly how I feel! I've just recently realised other people don't feel the same way as me, I always thought it was normal.
Yes I have these feelings as well. I wonder if our self esteem is so low we don't feel we even deserve something genuinely wrong with us.
Its comforting to know its a real issue for us. Thank you for posting this.

 

[Sarahlynn]

Oh my, this is exactly how I feel! I've just recently realised other people don't feel the same way as me, I always thought it was normal.
Yes I have these feelings as well. I wonder if our self esteem is so low we don't feel we even deserve something genuinely wrong with us.
Its comforting to know its a real issue for us. Thank you for posting this.

Yeah, I definitively have a problem with low self esteem. I consider pretty much anything bad that happens in my vicinity my fault.

I have this weird thing with trauma. Nothing happened to me as a kid, but as a teenager, I got into a lot of shitty situations. But I have always thought that I put myself in those situations, so then it can't be trauma, right? Like, I lost my virginity at 14 to a way older dude, not by choice, but I have never thought of it as rape until recently (still not sure). I went to the place it happened voluntarily. I got really drunk voluntarily. I didn't shout out or try to fight him off when it happened, I think I tried to push him away, and I can't explain why I didn't object more clearly. So I have always thought it was all my own fault, I could easily have avoided it. It's very confusing to me, and I don't know how I was supposed to react or how I am supposed to feel about it now, except that it makes, and made, me feel sick.

OP, really sorry if I am starting a hijack of your thread now, guess I am not very on topic. And a bit drunk so ranting.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Yeah, I definitively have a problem with low self esteem. I consider pretty much anything bad that happens in my vicinity my fault.

I have this weird thing with trauma. Nothing happened to me as a kid, but as a teenager, I got into a lot of shitty situations. But I have always thought that I put myself in those situations, so then it can't be trauma, right? Like, I lost my virginity at 14 to a way older dude, not by choice, but I have never thought of it as rape until recently (still not sure). I went to the place it happened voluntarily. I got really drunk voluntarily. I didn't shout out or try to fight him off when it happened, I think I tried to push him away, and I can't explain why I didn't object more clearly. So I have always thought it was all my own fault, I could easily have avoided it. It's very confusing to me, and I don't know how I was supposed to react or how I am supposed to feel about it now, except that it makes, and made, me feel sick.

OP, really sorry if I am starting a hijack of your thread now, guess I am not very on topic. And a bit drunk so ranting.

Nah mate, you're fine. I don't mind when people vent on my threads, we're all here to support one another. I can relate to how you feel too. Low self esteem causes so many issues lol.

I can even relate to your experience with rape. I still question myself because, like you, I didn't "try to fight". I wasn't drunk, but I was threatened and coerced. Either way, it wasn't true consent. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

 

[Cherrypea]

Wish I'd s

Yeah, I definitively have a problem with low self esteem. I consider pretty much anything bad that happens in my vicinity my fault.

I have this weird thing with trauma. Nothing happened to me as a kid, but as a teenager, I got into a lot of shitty situations. But I have always thought that I put myself in those situations, so then it can't be trauma, right? Like, I lost my virginity at 14 to a way older dude, not by choice, but I have never thought of it as rape until recently (still not sure). I went to the place it happened voluntarily. I got really drunk voluntarily. I didn't shout out or try to fight him off when it happened, I think I tried to push him away, and I can't explain why I didn't object more clearly. So I have always thought it was all my own fault, I could easily have avoided it. It's very confusing to me, and I don't know how I was supposed to react or how I am supposed to feel about it now, except that it makes, and made, me feel sick.

OP, really sorry if I am starting a hijack of your thread now, guess I am not very on topic. And a bit drunk so ranting.

Didn't see this last night to reply, I had a weirdly similar experience when I was 14, we should talk!

 

[Sarahlynn]

Wish I'd s

Didn't see this last night to reply, I had a weirdly similar experience when I was 14, we should talk!

Feel free to PM me! I see OP also has had a similar experience, maybe it should have a separate thread, as I guess there are more of us with the same experience?