Venting I’m getting sick of having to pretend

[catastrophix]

The person I live with doesn't really trust me to be alone, so they always make sure other people are always home when I am. I do get very short spans of time alone, but not near enough to plan a CTB. I just feel completely stuck.

The person I live with also has a "rule" that if I SH or attempt CTB, they will automatically take me to the psych ward to get an evaluation.

I'm gonna admit something highly embarrassing (and therefore, personal): I have been inpatient at a psych ward about ten separate times. I say "about" because I literally lost count over time. I've had really horrible experiences, but I've also had some good ones. I've managed to stay out since fall 2021, but it's all thanks to pretending that I'm okay to everyone I come across. I'm so fucking numb and need to get out, but I know that 1.) I couldn't live on my own and 2.) They wouldn't let me leave anyways. And since I'm heavily monitored, I can't really order any CTB materials.

I feel completely trapped and alone. I don't have any friends to distract myself with, and the people I live with make it very hard to be comfortable around them. I want to be free, and I don't think that will happen until I CTB.

 

[missingpeace]

I'm sorry that your going through this, i wish people would just let us go when we want to go. To ctb you will need some alone time, which obviously your not getting, I don't know how your going to pull this off. You might need to just wait it out abit more till you get some space to breathe. Hope it gets easier for you..

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible situation to be in, I view it as being so incredibly cruel to make existence into a prison and to try to force people to stay here against their wishes. It's like some people forget that we are just destined to die anyway, so they should just accept the fact that many people would rather take control over when they die and prevent unnecessary suffering.

 

[SilentSadness]

Your situation would be a complete nightmare for me, the idea of being taken to one of those places is terrible. It's definitely horrible that you can't feel comfortable around the people you live with and their rule is unfair and degrading. It's terrible that you should be treated this way but in truth I think that this is just the true nature of life if you take away the pretty lining, it really is just a nightmare underneath the veil. I hope that you never have to go to one of those nightmare chambers again and that things improves for you.