mono
I hope my last breath is a sigh of relief.
- Jul 11, 2023
- 49
I'm getting better mentally. There's still a part of me that doesn't want to, a part of me that wants to tear down everything I've built up just to spite myself, a part of me that doesn't want to move on with life. But despite that worm in my ear, I'm getting better, and I want to share the reason(s) for my improvement.
When I first joined this site I was probably at one of the worst points in my life. I hated living, but I hated myself more, and because of that I pushed everyone in my life far away. Until one day, I stumbled uppon a post by a, then unknown, user. They talked about how much the site had help them, how compared to those in their life, this site helped them in a more significant way. I saw this and thought of myself, how I thought this site was a blessing in disguise, a place full of people who thought just like me. (Now looking back, this site wasn't much help, it had only fed into my illness.) I wanted to share how similarly I felt to them, and welcome them to the site, as they had mentioned they were new. Little did I know, this small act would change my life more than I'd ever know.
This person had recognized my profile picture, Osamu Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs, which sparked a conversation between us. They invited me to a discord server, one which I had already heard about from the owner of the server, and I happily joined.
This person, G, the owner of the server, L, and I had made a group chat seperate from the bigger server to talk about something G had wanted to share with me (L wanted to join us in the discussion.) We all got along surprisingly well, and started talking more and more often, because as it turned out, all 3 of us had a shocking ammount of things in common.
We all grew to be great friends, and for the first time in years, 'love' felt to me like a genuine feeling and not just a word. For the first time in years I had something, someone(s) to lose. I can say with 100% certainty, these two people saved my life.
But as always, nothing lasts forever. My connection with G ended ubruptly and without much warning, for a while it felt like my life was completely over, I had lost hope in myself and in my life once again. Thankfully, I still had contact with L, and for a while they helped me through my grief. But of course, we both fell out of touch over time.
Even though neither G or L are in contact with me anymore, they will forever be a part of me, even if only in memory.
I have to add though, they are both alive, despite how I described G and I being cut from communication. It's just that with how much love I felt, and still feel for G, them suddenly dissapearing *felt* like a death. That loss hit me deep in my core, and the pain I felt was very much real.
I miss both of them more than I had ever missed anyone else in my life, and even though L is just one text away, it feels like maybe things should be left the way they are, despite how differently my heart feels.
To put all this simply, Losing them was a pain I had never felt so deeply before, but I will NEVER regret meeting them. G and L saved my life, they helped me understand what love truely meant, and I'll never forget that.
-
Presently, there's not much I want to talk about, I still dislike expressing my emotions because of my issues with Vulnerability, but that's to be expected. There's just not much to know about the specifics of my metal improvement, nothing that would be interesting at least. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I felt compelled to write all this because, while looking back at L and G's profiles, I realized it's the anniversary of when I first made that comment on G's thread, Sep 13 2023 (although, Sep 14 is when we made the group chat with the 3 of us), and started reminiscing. Secerately, I hope G and L find this so they can know just how much of an impact they had on my life, and how much I appreciate the time I had with them,,, but it's unlikely they'll find this thread. I just hope I had a similar impact on them as they did with me, and that they're lives have gotten better, if not now then in the future. -
But anyways, this will be my last post on SS for much longer than I had originally been inactive for. Maybe during 2025 I'll make another anniversary post, hell, I might even reach out to G & L directly to let them know they still mean everything to me.
-
Even though this site wasn't the best thing for me in such a low point in my life, I would've never met G or L if it haden't existed. So thank you, SS, for being the reason I met them.
(Not sure if I should put this in the recovery section or not, but it's whatever)
When I first joined this site I was probably at one of the worst points in my life. I hated living, but I hated myself more, and because of that I pushed everyone in my life far away. Until one day, I stumbled uppon a post by a, then unknown, user. They talked about how much the site had help them, how compared to those in their life, this site helped them in a more significant way. I saw this and thought of myself, how I thought this site was a blessing in disguise, a place full of people who thought just like me. (Now looking back, this site wasn't much help, it had only fed into my illness.) I wanted to share how similarly I felt to them, and welcome them to the site, as they had mentioned they were new. Little did I know, this small act would change my life more than I'd ever know.
This person had recognized my profile picture, Osamu Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs, which sparked a conversation between us. They invited me to a discord server, one which I had already heard about from the owner of the server, and I happily joined.
This person, G, the owner of the server, L, and I had made a group chat seperate from the bigger server to talk about something G had wanted to share with me (L wanted to join us in the discussion.) We all got along surprisingly well, and started talking more and more often, because as it turned out, all 3 of us had a shocking ammount of things in common.
We all grew to be great friends, and for the first time in years, 'love' felt to me like a genuine feeling and not just a word. For the first time in years I had something, someone(s) to lose. I can say with 100% certainty, these two people saved my life.
But as always, nothing lasts forever. My connection with G ended ubruptly and without much warning, for a while it felt like my life was completely over, I had lost hope in myself and in my life once again. Thankfully, I still had contact with L, and for a while they helped me through my grief. But of course, we both fell out of touch over time.
Even though neither G or L are in contact with me anymore, they will forever be a part of me, even if only in memory.
I have to add though, they are both alive, despite how I described G and I being cut from communication. It's just that with how much love I felt, and still feel for G, them suddenly dissapearing *felt* like a death. That loss hit me deep in my core, and the pain I felt was very much real.
I miss both of them more than I had ever missed anyone else in my life, and even though L is just one text away, it feels like maybe things should be left the way they are, despite how differently my heart feels.
To put all this simply, Losing them was a pain I had never felt so deeply before, but I will NEVER regret meeting them. G and L saved my life, they helped me understand what love truely meant, and I'll never forget that.
-
Presently, there's not much I want to talk about, I still dislike expressing my emotions because of my issues with Vulnerability, but that's to be expected. There's just not much to know about the specifics of my metal improvement, nothing that would be interesting at least. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I felt compelled to write all this because, while looking back at L and G's profiles, I realized it's the anniversary of when I first made that comment on G's thread, Sep 13 2023 (although, Sep 14 is when we made the group chat with the 3 of us), and started reminiscing. Secerately, I hope G and L find this so they can know just how much of an impact they had on my life, and how much I appreciate the time I had with them,,, but it's unlikely they'll find this thread. I just hope I had a similar impact on them as they did with me, and that they're lives have gotten better, if not now then in the future. -
But anyways, this will be my last post on SS for much longer than I had originally been inactive for. Maybe during 2025 I'll make another anniversary post, hell, I might even reach out to G & L directly to let them know they still mean everything to me.
-
Even though this site wasn't the best thing for me in such a low point in my life, I would've never met G or L if it haden't existed. So thank you, SS, for being the reason I met them.
(Not sure if I should put this in the recovery section or not, but it's whatever)
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