I'm feeling so lonely, but it's not a good idea for me to speak with anyone.

[binkleshpoo]

My KN will be here soon. On a Friday or Saturday night, I will do what will need to be done. I dont have access to benzo, and I plan on using benadryl instead. I'm in the middle of cleaning up some of my files and my room even though I've realized they probably aren't going to look through anything. I'm not white, they aren't going to care. This is the only time this is a positive! I'm just cleaning up because it gives me something to do and it feels nice to not leave too many "embarrassing" things behind~

I haven't talked to anyone who isn't my family in a couple of months. It was fully intentional. I'm feeling so lonely now, but I know it's a bad idea to reach out to anyone because then I'll be less willing to CTB.

I cannot allow myself to regain any will to live. I can't watch this world get worse, and I don't want to do anything an adult needs to do anyway. I just want to lie in my bed and rot. Any challenging thoughts make me want to cry. So of course, what better to do than just die? Nobody will have to deal with my bullshit afterwards and neither will I, even if they love me.

So then, what should I do while I'm waiting? I'm getting really bored...I don't want to be left with my own thoughts but I don't want to have too much fun.

 

[kufajoy]

You can write down your thoughts. I mean anything. Sounds stupid but it does waste times. You can also text me if you need someone to talk to.