Venting i'm falling apart

[apple2myeye!]

i don't know what the fuck is happening to me. it's like every day i descend a little bit more into genuine babbling insanity. i've always been extremely mentally ill but i don't think it's ever been this bad before. every day the voices get a little louder and my mood swings get a little more intense. i don't even want to know what i'l;l be like ina a few months

not to mention that recently i've fallen down this weird religious (specifically gnostic) rabbit hole.. it scares me because it gives an explanation for all the horrible things i've experienced throughout my life, most of which can't be and has never been explained by "science". i know it's not the full truth about how reality works (you'll never get the full truth) but it's a little unsettling how close it is to what the 2 or 3 "positive" voices in my head have told me over the years.i don't know what's real and what's not anymore, i really don't.

i'm fucking terrified.

 

[theboy]

I hope you feel better. Excuse me, what disease do you have?

 

[apple2myeye!]

I hope you feel better. Excuse me, what disease do you have?

schizophrenia and (presumably) borderline personality disorder, i've never been formally diagnosed with the latter but i experience most of the symptoms. probably some other shit too but idk for sure

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really scary. I'm sorry that you suffer like this, I cannot even imagine how terrifying that must be. I hope that you find relief.

 

[theboy]

schizophrenia and (presumably) borderline personality disorder, i've never been formally diagnosed with the latter but i experience most of the symptoms. probably some other shit too but idk for sure

What is it like to have schizophrenia? So that I can understand you better. I wish you much encouragement and strength

 

[apple2myeye!]

What is it like to have schizophrenia? So that I can understand you better. I wish you much encouragement and strength

im pretty sure it's different for everyone but for me i just hear these weird loud voices constantly.. sometimes they just recite things that i've read or heard but most of the time they viciously insult me and everything i know and love. they also like to tell me about horrible things that could happen (my greatest fears). like i said though there are two or three voices that come in from time to time and compliment me and try to calm me down and seem to tell me secret knowledge (???).

i also have very "abnormal"/"unorthodox" beliefs about how reality works (i'd rather not get into it, but gnostic ideology is close to what i believe i guess) and have these moments where i just stop moving and stare off at something for a few minutes at a time without even realizing. other symptoms i have that don't affect me as much include disorganized speech (i sometimes struggle putting together a coherent sentence in real life conversation and it's really noticeable) and problems with motivation.

 

[theboy]

im pretty sure it's different for everyone but for me i just hear these weird loud voices constantly.. sometimes they just recite things that i've read or heard but most of the time they viciously insult me and everything i know and love. they also like to tell me about horrible things that could happen (my greatest fears). like i said though there are two or three voices that come in from time to time and compliment me and try to calm me down and seem to tell me secret knowledge (???).

eliefs about how reality works (i'd rather not get into it, but gnostic ideology is close to what i believe i guess) and have these moments where i just stop moving and stare off at something for a few minutes at a time without even realizing. other symptoms i have that don't affect me as much include disorganized speech (i sometimes struggle putting together a coherent sentence in real life conversation and it's really noticeable) and problems with motivation.

Do you also have visual hallucinations? if so, how are they?
It must be very hard for you to deal with this. take care pls

 

[whatevs]

So you basically think this is some prison realm where something is extracting energy from us or using us? That's what I believe and have done for a long time now. Or at the very least there's something sinister behind the scenes here, whatever it is. Behind the scenes of life as a phenomenon, and of human society.

Gnosticism contains a lot of bullshit myths in it but the basic cosmic paranoia is on point. Did you know that Philip K. Dick, which wrote the book that inspired Blade Runner, was a gnostic himself and that by the end of his career he literally asserted that we live in a simulation? It's interesting how a lot of his stories revolved around fake realities - or fake humans.

 

[apple2myeye!]

Do you also have visual hallucinations? if so, how are they?
It must be very hard for you to deal with this. take care pls

i actually don't have visual hallucinations that often. they don't NEVER happen though, a few weeks ago i saw a small eye on one of my bedroom walls. scared the shit out of me.

So you basically think this is some prison realm where something is extracting energy from us or using us?

pretty much yeah

 

[theboy]

i actually don't have visual hallucinations that often. they don't NEVER happen though, a few weeks ago i saw a small eye on one of my bedroom walls. scared the shit out of me.

wow
I can tell you that just like you, I collapse more every day. In this forum we all have strong internal struggles. This world is definitely not for me. I hope you find peace, friend

 

[Nirrend]

i don't know what the fuck is happening to me. it's like every day i descend a little bit more into genuine babbling insanity. i've always been extremely mentally ill but i don't think it's ever been this bad before. every day the voices get a little louder and my mood swings get a little more intense. i don't even want to know what i'l;l be like ina a few months

not to mention that recently i've fallen down this weird religious (specifically gnostic) rabbit hole.. it scares me because it gives an explanation for all the horrible things i've experienced throughout my life, most of which can't be and has never been explained by "science". i know it's not the full truth about how reality works (you'll never get the full truth) but it's a little unsettling how close it is to what the 2 or 3 "positive" voices in my head have told me over the years.i don't know what's real and what's not anymore, i really don't.

i'm fucking terrified.

I'm so sorry that you are living such horrible things like that... I hope you feel warmth here <3

 

[Astral Storm]

Gosh, I relate to you so much. Especially with this strange religious stuff. I always had a huge interest in this stuff but I am usually fine with it. Though it got pretty intense nowdays. I had horrifying nightmares for half a year which were connected to this. It was seriously traumatizing and I think it broke me in a way.

 

[sunsetting]

Religion always tries to justify that we're in a shitty situation due to our own choices and nothing else and for me that's bullshit as there's so many things outside our control.
Try to not think about what you saw it will only bring you more and more misery. I also believe there's more to life than meets the eye but I highly doubt that any person was able to understand it fully in order to pass that information (religion, sects, esoteric, etc.) so why should we even care about it?

 

[godhelpme313]

Wow are you really reading about gnosticism? I have been declining further into insanity. When I go insane I tend to read about the demiurge, sophia, etc. It actually gives me goosebumps!! I never met anybody who read gnostics. Maybe we could be friends??? Can we PM? LOL

I don't know what's real either. I worry that external reality is not real, for example, like it is just a picture show or movie strip. It's called Berkeley's philosophical realism.

It can be VERY scary. WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING. But we get lots of weird clues that seem true. Do you happen to have OCD, Pure OCD or obsessional thoughts about existence?
I was listening to thict naht Hahn today. He said that when we move into our belly breathing that the thinking stops. When it stops it cannot hurt us. So we have the power to be free from our minds whenever we want. But we must practice breathing. I think maybe you & I struggle with obsessional religious or metaphysical thinking. I used to hang out with people who had this trait and most were schizophrenic. They say I'm borderline with psychotic features. When I was talking with other people who also worried about this stuff I got the sense that it created a problem for them because they never turned it off. For example friends and family in their lives might say "oh look at Suzy, she's gone off again, talking about the demiurge or somethimg weird". In other words what outsiders say is the disorder is the person's obsessional immersion into these topics. And they tend to get people's symptoms going. Some experts recommend a dose of "admitting not knowing", dropping the research and repetitive thinking, and returning to simple and concrete actions and an ordinary life. I find that hard to do because I love these topics but they do seem to burn me.

There's research that suggests ocd and schizophrenia are closely related, the only real difference is that the person with ocd recognizes the voice as their own whereas the schizophrenic does not. But for example they are similar because my obsessions tell me I'm a "piece of shit" when I look in a mirror and it's like WHOAH! But I can say "stupid ocd" where the schizophrenic wonders where it came from. But nobody knows exactly where any thoughts come from just most people ignore the question or accept they'll never get an answer. I'm deep in philosophy and there's plenty of philosophical positions that could lead to a schizophrenic mind yet are totally reasonably valid. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my own experience with borderline w/psychotic features and ocd has shown me that schizophrenia might not be so different and that "normal" people experience everything that people with psychopathologies do but they don't have the repetitive ruminating or impactful obsession.

Like maybe it's better to ignore where the voices come from, stop reading about the demiurge, and make a salad instead. This is advice for me too by the way. Not saying your crazy just speaking a solution for both of us.

Love to you and your interesting beautiful mind !!!