sugarb
long time sunshine
- Jun 14, 2024
- 186
I feel I've done and seen what I'm capable of and actually want to do. I'm just bored now. What logic is there behind me still being here? How does this make sense?
Everything is two-dimensional. Nothing retains interest, nothing is perfect, nothing feels truly good. It's all fluff.
Every single conversation I have is either an attempt at stimulation or a necessary step towards blowing my fucking brains out. And the stimulation isn't working. Like- Jesus Christ. How am I this bored? Did I fry my dopamine receptors somehow?
When I really think about it I have no real connection to anyone or anything. Even my own body. The part of me that speaks, the shell, the human mask- people like that ok. But the actual core of me is completely invisible. Even here, I'm wearing a suit to make myself palatable and understandable. And the only reason I can have anything resembling honest conversation is because I can divorce the text on the screen from the idea of fingers and faces on the other end.
I wrote it in another post- my brain is a hurricane. I hate the weekly, daily, hourly shifting of my whole mindset. I dislike the intricacy of thought and speech, the meandering pathways, the pitfalls. I want out, desperately. Freedom. I can imagine myself as a bird, flinging my wings side as the wind buffets me higher, tossed by the breeze over waving grass and water. I want that. Lightness, grace, effortless natural peace. I don't understand why I can't just go already.
On a tangent- I'm glad this place exists. I unfortunately don't feel any real connection or community here either but it's better than my thoughts just rattling around in my head all day
Everything is two-dimensional. Nothing retains interest, nothing is perfect, nothing feels truly good. It's all fluff.
Every single conversation I have is either an attempt at stimulation or a necessary step towards blowing my fucking brains out. And the stimulation isn't working. Like- Jesus Christ. How am I this bored? Did I fry my dopamine receptors somehow?
When I really think about it I have no real connection to anyone or anything. Even my own body. The part of me that speaks, the shell, the human mask- people like that ok. But the actual core of me is completely invisible. Even here, I'm wearing a suit to make myself palatable and understandable. And the only reason I can have anything resembling honest conversation is because I can divorce the text on the screen from the idea of fingers and faces on the other end.
I wrote it in another post- my brain is a hurricane. I hate the weekly, daily, hourly shifting of my whole mindset. I dislike the intricacy of thought and speech, the meandering pathways, the pitfalls. I want out, desperately. Freedom. I can imagine myself as a bird, flinging my wings side as the wind buffets me higher, tossed by the breeze over waving grass and water. I want that. Lightness, grace, effortless natural peace. I don't understand why I can't just go already.
On a tangent- I'm glad this place exists. I unfortunately don't feel any real connection or community here either but it's better than my thoughts just rattling around in my head all day
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