idontfeellikeimreal
Member
- Aug 21, 2023
- 60
First of all, I hope your year started off well. Mine didn't, actually—I missed the fireworks. I had been invited to hang out with some friends at one of their houses, and I happily accepted. The day before that, I got high and stayed that way for a long time, just trying to keep it up. At that point, I was doing everything I could to stop thinking for a while. Anyway, back to yesterday. I had a few shots here and there. I was on a call in another room when one of my friends got injured. They took him to the hospital, and two other guys and I stayed behind to clean up the blood. I was really drunk by then, so when we went outside at 10 PM for about 10 minutes, I couldn't keep track of time. After that, I don't remember much. For some reason, I started crying. This year had been awful for me, and so many bad things had happened. It was just too much. As the alcohol kicked in, I started remembering less and less.
I've been told that I hugged one particular guy a lot, and I was crying for hours. By 11:30, we were on the balcony, and I was sitting there with a cigarette in my hand. After smoking half of it, I gave it to one of the guys and said, "Do whatever you want with it." Then I told them I needed to throw up, and I did. I threw up into a bucket, and at some point, I was in someone's room, throwing up again and again. The guy I'd been hugging was on my left, and the injured guy was on my right. Both of them were trying to calm me down. Apparently, I kept asking a lot of questions about love—why nobody loved me, and things like that. They put me to bed right before midnight, and I slept until 1:30 AM, when I woke up and went back to my friends. I was standing there, hugging the injured guy, but I didn't even realize he was back until after I'd woken up.
The guy I'd been hugging told me to sit down, and I sat beside him. I was freezing cold, and I remember asking him to hug me. I think I snuggled into his chest, and I was holding his hand. The only thing I remember clearly is that I was so cold and needed affection and warmth. He gave that to me. I don't remember much else until he told me he had to go home because it was very late. I hugged him twice and said goodbye before he left.
I don't know why he made me feel so safe and secure, but he did. Everything about him—his smell, his body, his warmth—just made me feel safe. There was no sexual touch, just him holding me in place, sometimes stroking my shoulder. It was peaceful.
Before he left, the injured guy went to sleep, and his big brother stayed behind. We talked from 3 AM until 6 AM, but I don't remember much of the conversation. I do recall him telling me that he thought I was one of the prettiest girls he'd ever seen. At some point, he touched my butt, and I was speechless.
By 6 AM, I told him I was going to sleep. I had trouble getting rest. I woke up constantly, either because it was too hot or too cold. Around 11 AM, I went to the balcony to vape.
That's when the injured guy appeared. He opened the balcony door, and it startled me because I didn't expect him to just show up. We talked, and he was really upset with me because I had been cuddling with his best friend for over an hour. Apparently, I'd shared things about my ex, and that's why his best friend had let me seek warmth. But I felt safe, so why didn't the injured guy understand that? That night, I had received the warmth I was longing for from a man who made me feel safe and secure.
After lecturing me that he wouldn't drink with me again because I had hurt him, he told me something. He said that he has feelings for me and that he really loves me. He hugged me, and I stayed at his house until 4 PM, constantly thinking about the night before. I don't remember much of it, and I feel like there are so many pieces missing. I want to remember, but I just can't.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm questioning if I'll ever be able to love again. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm scared of being loved. I'm scared of being touched or even having someone too close to me. Why did he fall for me, out of all the girls? I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not ready for another relationship. Please, I'm so lost in my thoughts, and I can't escape them. I don't want this anymore.
I've been told that I hugged one particular guy a lot, and I was crying for hours. By 11:30, we were on the balcony, and I was sitting there with a cigarette in my hand. After smoking half of it, I gave it to one of the guys and said, "Do whatever you want with it." Then I told them I needed to throw up, and I did. I threw up into a bucket, and at some point, I was in someone's room, throwing up again and again. The guy I'd been hugging was on my left, and the injured guy was on my right. Both of them were trying to calm me down. Apparently, I kept asking a lot of questions about love—why nobody loved me, and things like that. They put me to bed right before midnight, and I slept until 1:30 AM, when I woke up and went back to my friends. I was standing there, hugging the injured guy, but I didn't even realize he was back until after I'd woken up.
The guy I'd been hugging told me to sit down, and I sat beside him. I was freezing cold, and I remember asking him to hug me. I think I snuggled into his chest, and I was holding his hand. The only thing I remember clearly is that I was so cold and needed affection and warmth. He gave that to me. I don't remember much else until he told me he had to go home because it was very late. I hugged him twice and said goodbye before he left.
I don't know why he made me feel so safe and secure, but he did. Everything about him—his smell, his body, his warmth—just made me feel safe. There was no sexual touch, just him holding me in place, sometimes stroking my shoulder. It was peaceful.
Before he left, the injured guy went to sleep, and his big brother stayed behind. We talked from 3 AM until 6 AM, but I don't remember much of the conversation. I do recall him telling me that he thought I was one of the prettiest girls he'd ever seen. At some point, he touched my butt, and I was speechless.
By 6 AM, I told him I was going to sleep. I had trouble getting rest. I woke up constantly, either because it was too hot or too cold. Around 11 AM, I went to the balcony to vape.
That's when the injured guy appeared. He opened the balcony door, and it startled me because I didn't expect him to just show up. We talked, and he was really upset with me because I had been cuddling with his best friend for over an hour. Apparently, I'd shared things about my ex, and that's why his best friend had let me seek warmth. But I felt safe, so why didn't the injured guy understand that? That night, I had received the warmth I was longing for from a man who made me feel safe and secure.
After lecturing me that he wouldn't drink with me again because I had hurt him, he told me something. He said that he has feelings for me and that he really loves me. He hugged me, and I stayed at his house until 4 PM, constantly thinking about the night before. I don't remember much of it, and I feel like there are so many pieces missing. I want to remember, but I just can't.
Now I don't know what to do. I'm questioning if I'll ever be able to love again. I don't want to hurt him, and I'm scared of being loved. I'm scared of being touched or even having someone too close to me. Why did he fall for me, out of all the girls? I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not ready for another relationship. Please, I'm so lost in my thoughts, and I can't escape them. I don't want this anymore.
