Venting I'm disappointed in myself

[DeathSleep]

A few days ago was the date I set for myself. I don't know why I I bothered to set a date. I'm not a person who plans well and follows through with plans. I don't even consider it an attempt as I never got that far. One thing I wanted to do was clean things up more so others wouldn't have to deal with it after I'm gone. I've been so depressed and apathetic lately that I've been struggling to get out of bed let alone get the finishing touches done. I think it's SI's way of stopping my plans.
I think I'm afraid to die and afraid of commitment. Turns out I'm a coward. Part of me is always waiting around to see what else can happen out of curiosity I guess.
All I have to do is pull the trigger.
Also, I'm a little concerned about traumatizing my roommate and/or neighbors in the small apartment building I live in. I don't like loud noises and live my life quietly. So, going out with a bang and announcing my end with it is unsettling for me. Also, leaving a mess behind me bothers me a bit. Part of me doesn't care because obviously I'll be dead. It's not something that will really stop me but I don't like thinking about it. I've thought about dying somewhere else but this is the most convenient place that I'm comfortable with. I also don't want the gun falling into the wrong hands after I die. Crime where I live almost guarantees someone will run off with it if I do it outside. I've tried other methods and decided that a gun is the way to go for me.
If I don't set a date though, then when will I do it? I'm going to continue to prepare when I get the motivation so I can be ready.
I'm sick of living for others. They want me to want to live and are happy I'm alive but that's it. They don't have to live my life. They just want me to be alive so that they feel better.
I'm terrified of having to live so much longer. However, I worry I'll won't be able to follow through with the plan anytime soon. I'm just depressed and lack motivation to do anything. Meanwhile I continue to self sabotage my life making things even worse for myself because I don't see the point in doing most things if I'm going to die soon anyways.
I'm also scared that someone will find out I have a gun and try to take it away. It at least makes me feel a little better knowing that I have it and can use it anytime. I've thought about getting another as a backup and hiding it somewhere else. Which is being a little paranoid, I know. Or I could just use the first one before that happens.
I'm tired of living. I can't seem to commit to death though. I've had a couple other attempts with different methods (that obviously failed) but I really thought I was going to die.
What else has to happen before I commit again? I'm sick of living like this. I wish someone would just do it for me. Then I couldn't chicken out a least. I wish for an accidental stray bullet to the head but I live too cautiously for that to actually happen. Better chance of winning the lottery. Although I don't see that happening any time soon either.
I don't really know what the point of this was. I just think I needed to talk about things that I can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't posted since my last "attempt" months ago. Felt like a failure then too. Been wanting to talk to someone for quite awhile now but really don't want to be hospitalized again. I keep saying suicidal things to people. I have to be more careful. They say things like "stop it. Life is beautiful". I've been having trouble keeping it in though. I struggle with masking things anymore.
Anyways thanks for reading.

 

[Cubetty]

Life is only beautiful for those who are not falling apart, anyway, I wish you could live the life of those who say that kind of things, maybe then I wouldn't be so married. I hope everything improves for you soon, whether you carry out your plans or things take a different turn. On the other hand, I highly value your bravery, the weapon seems too violent for my taste. What other methods have you tried that haven't worked?

 

[DeathSleep]

Life is only beautiful for those who are not falling apart, anyway, I wish you could live the life of those who say that kind of things, maybe then I wouldn't be so married. I hope everything improves for you soon, whether you carry out your plans or things take a different turn. On the other hand, I highly value your bravery, the weapon seems too violent for my taste. What other methods have you tried that haven't worked?

I've tried overdosing before I learned that there wasn't much hope of that succeeding. I've also tried CO poisoning. I don't really consider anything else I did an attempt because they were half assed.

 

[jarik]

How do I understand you...

 

[attheend13]

A few days ago was the date I set for myself. I don't know why I I bothered to set a date. I'm not a person who plans well and follows through with plans. I don't even consider it an attempt as I never got that far. One thing I wanted to do was clean things up more so others wouldn't have to deal with it after I'm gone. I've been so depressed and apathetic lately that I've been struggling to get out of bed let alone get the finishing touches done. I think it's SI's way of stopping my plans.
I think I'm afraid to die and afraid of commitment. Turns out I'm a coward. Part of me is always waiting around to see what else can happen out of curiosity I guess.
All I have to do is pull the trigger.
Also, I'm a little concerned about traumatizing my roommate and/or neighbors in the small apartment building I live in. I don't like loud noises and live my life quietly. So, going out with a bang and announcing my end with it is unsettling for me. Also, leaving a mess behind me bothers me a bit. Part of me doesn't care because obviously I'll be dead. It's not something that will really stop me but I don't like thinking about it. I've thought about dying somewhere else but this is the most convenient place that I'm comfortable with. I also don't want the gun falling into the wrong hands after I die. Crime where I live almost guarantees someone will run off with it if I do it outside. I've tried other methods and decided that a gun is the way to go for me.
If I don't set a date though, then when will I do it? I'm going to continue to prepare when I get the motivation so I can be ready.
I'm sick of living for others. They want me to want to live and are happy I'm alive but that's it. They don't have to live my life. They just want me to be alive so that they feel better.
I'm terrified of having to live so much longer. However, I worry I'll won't be able to follow through with the plan anytime soon. I'm just depressed and lack motivation to do anything. Meanwhile I continue to self sabotage my life making things even worse for myself because I don't see the point in doing most things if I'm going to die soon anyways.
I'm also scared that someone will find out I have a gun and try to take it away. It at least makes me feel a little better knowing that I have it and can use it anytime. I've thought about getting another as a backup and hiding it somewhere else. Which is being a little paranoid, I know. Or I could just use the first one before that happens.
I'm tired of living. I can't seem to commit to death though. I've had a couple other attempts with different methods (that obviously failed) but I really thought I was going to die.
What else has to happen before I commit again? I'm sick of living like this. I wish someone would just do it for me. Then I couldn't chicken out a least. I wish for an accidental stray bullet to the head but I live too cautiously for that to actually happen. Better chance of winning the lottery. Although I don't see that happening any time soon either.
I don't really know what the point of this was. I just think I needed to talk about things that I can't talk about anywhere else. I haven't posted since my last "attempt" months ago. Felt like a failure then too. Been wanting to talk to someone for quite awhile now but really don't want to be hospitalized again. I keep saying suicidal things to people. I have to be more careful. They say things like "stop it. Life is beautiful". I've been having trouble keeping it in though. I struggle with masking things anymore.
Anyways thanks for reading.

I often think that we should all meet up and just off each other. I thought about just going out to work on the street and hope someone will just victimize me. I did that kind of work once upon a time and it nearly happened. Got tied up and beaten but no such luck. If I could go back I would have brought a knife and suggested he use it on me. I didn't even get the rest of the night off. They said put some ice on it the next client is waiting. The one thing about that world is honesty. No one pretends to give a damn. It's the feigned concern I hate the most.
Method is everything because I don't want to be the one to do it and have deep guilt and shame be the last thing I feel. I'm afraid there's something on the other side and I will take those feelings with me. It's all so stupidly pointless. I don't know how to get a gun but I'm sure I'd chicken out using it or someone would hurt themselves and have it be my fault.
I'm sorry you are hurting and trapped in this mental and emotional prison. I don't know you but you don't deserve it. I wish life wasn't so sharp.