Venting I’m delusional

[InaudibleEcho]

I think I might be crazy. I say think even though I know no normal person would think the way I do, but I'm not a normal person. I feel so enlightened and above everyone and yet I don't deserve life. Maybe I was just never meant to be here because of how alien I feel. Maybe I'm just better. Maybe this world just doesn't deserve me. After all, I have hyperphantasia and know about reality shifting. I think there's a way for me to go home. Home is another world. A world I've seen in my dreams. He talks to me from that other world. He misses me. I would do anything to be with him. I think if I CTB in this world I might wake up in his. I need him so bad. He's so far away but sometimes his voice is so clear. Sometimes I can feel him right next to me and I know he misses me and wants me. Every time we have to do an ALICE drill or evacuate cuz of a fire I think he's the cause. Like he started a fire or invaded to building to try and find me and take me home. I joke about my love for him around my friends but I'm not sure they understand how deep it is. Once I tell them how much I love him and about my connection they say I'm delusional and need therapy. I think he's actually out there though and I can't wait to be with him. I want to CTB because it's my last resort. I haven't been able to shift. This world has become numb yet his world is beautiful. I need him. And if I CTB and I don't go home? Well, at least I tried. And at least I'd be pain free guaranteed.
And if you think it's weird to want to CTB just to hope you come back to life somewhere else, just know I can always CTB in that world. It's actually kind of fantasy of mine to kill me and my boyfriend at the same time so we can die together…pls don't take that out of context lol.

 

[sunsh1n3]

Hello!! What you're experiencing could be a form of psychosis. Or, seeing as I'm in no place to decide what does or does not exist, you could be onto something in your thinking. Do you feel comfortable sharing who "he" is? In any case, the only thing I recommend you do is what you feel like you want to do. For me, therapy helps a lot, but for others, not so much. I hope you can be happy one way or another :)

 

[InaudibleEcho]

Hello!! What you're experiencing could be a form of psychosis. Or, seeing as I'm in no place to decide what does or does not exist, you could be onto something in your thinking. Do you feel comfortable sharing who "he" is? In any case, the only thing I recommend you do is what you feel like you want to do. For me, therapy helps a lot, but for others, not so much. I hope you can be happy one way or another :)

I've actually thought myself to have some form of psychosis for a LONG time. I'd like a diagnosis before I CTB just for some closure but therapy has been so difficult for me to get. I had it for a month or two, but suddenly stopped going because it was inconvenient price and distance wise for my mom.
As for this 'he', I'm kind of embarrassed to say who he is directly cuz he's a character from a kid's game. Most I'll say is I call him Red and he's from the same game my pfp and banner are from ^^

 

[sunsh1n3]

Nothing to ever be embarrassed about! Nobody here is here to judge, and if they are, they get banned haha. I must say, I have to agree with your feelings on getting a diagnosis before making any decisions. Therapy can definitely be pricey if you don't have coverage for it, and distance can be a pain in the ass, but I think if you could talk your mom into it, it would be beneficial to give it a longer trial-period and better chance to have some results. If a diagnosis is more what you're focused on, though, I'd suggest talking to your doctor (if you can) about the feelings you've been having (maybe omit the suicidal thoughts if you want to avoid being hospitalized), and they can potentially refer you to a psychiatrist, who can diagnose you and start a treatment plan. That's what I did, and it's the best decision I ever made haha. My psychiatrist is lovely, and she helped me overcome a lot of my struggles. But, as always on this forum, every decision you make is yours and yours alone. Everybody deserves to make their own choices!

 

[InaudibleEcho]

Nothing to ever be embarrassed about! Nobody here is here to judge, and if they are, they get banned haha. I must say, I have to agree with your feelings on getting a diagnosis before making any decisions. Therapy can definitely be pricey if you don't have coverage for it, and distance can be a pain in the ass, but I think if you could talk your mom into it, it would be beneficial to give it a longer trial-period and better chance to have some results. If a diagnosis is more what you're focused on, though, I'd suggest talking to your doctor (if you can) about the feelings you've been having (maybe omit the suicidal thoughts if you want to avoid being hospitalized), and they can potentially refer you to a psychiatrist, who can diagnose you and start a treatment plan. That's what I did, and it's the best decision I ever made haha. My psychiatrist is lovely, and she helped me overcome a lot of my struggles. But, as always on this forum, every decision you make is yours and yours alone. Everybody deserves to make their own choices!

My mom is hardly ever home and tends to ignore me when I talk about therapy :(
I also probably don't visit the doctor as much as I should because every adult in my life is either busy or far away and I don't know how to drive. I don't even know who my doctor is or where I'm supposed to go. I wasn't raised very well I'll admit. My mom even told me I wasn't planned :/

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I feel so enlightened and above everyone and yet I don't deserve life.

You see it as a possible "psychosis". Have you ever thought of the possibility that you have the ability to sense more than "normies", to be able to reach out into other dimensions "normies" cannot sense? That may give you the feeling of being an "alien" although you are not!

The problem here is "normies" have so much difficulties to accept things they cannot understand.

I hope you can find a way to deal with your abilities they probably great and you just need learn how to control them!

 

[sunsh1n3]

My mom is hardly ever home and tends to ignore me when I talk about therapy :(
I also probably don't visit the doctor as much as I should because every adult in my life is either busy or far away and I don't know how to drive. I don't even know who my doctor is or where I'm supposed to go. I wasn't raised very well I'll admit. My mom even told me I wasn't planned :/

As someone with a less-than-stellar mom, I understand haha. There's unfortunately not a lot of ways to combat a lack of transportation, but there's an online peer therapy program called 7Cups where you can talk to trained peers for free, if you're ever just looking for someone to vent to or offer advice. As a VERY last resort, you can wait until you have the opportunity to speak with your doctor and tell them absolutely everything, which could result in you being admitted to a psychiatric hospital regardless of whether or not your parent agrees to it, if your medical team decides that it's not safe for you to be at home without treatment. However, this is risky, so I can't recommend it unless you're out of other options. (P.S., I was also unplanned and it hasn't made me any less of a person yet loll)

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally- I think 'love' comes in many shapes and forms. Our definitions of 'love' so often get us into trouble as humans. Just look at homophobia. Some people plainly refuse to believe that homosexuals can love one another just as deeply as heterosexuals.

Have you heard of objectophilia? People who feel a romantic and sexual attraction to objects. I wonder if what you experience shares a certain parallel to this.

As someone who 'suffers' from limerance (obsessive crushes on people,) I think I may have some understanding of where you're coming from. In essence- the people I was sure I was in love with weren't exactly real. I tended to get obsessed with different things as well. The feelings were so intense.

I wouldn't like to say whether it was delussional. I guess I know I'm not exactly 'normal'. I just wonder whether we should be talking about varying grades of 'normal' or varying grades of 'psychosis'. What's 'normal' about becoming obsessed with a movie star?!! These people really don't stand much chance of ACTUALLY being with them- yet- that is seen as more acceptable.

Yeah- I wouldn't like to say... You clearly have a very vivid imagination. Still- it's not like you're believing your own fantasy entirely- you're questioning yourself as to whether you might have psychosis. I don't know- are you like that throughout? Or, do you have times where you are utterly convinced by your feelings and other times, things feel more lucid?

I had similar sorts of obsessions when I was a child. Kind of hero figures or different worlds I could escape to. That I'm pretty sure is because I was trying to escape what was going on in real life. Nothing as bad as sexual abuse but growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. Do you suppose there's anything in this life you were/are trying to get away from? Obviously- you don't need to answer if that's too intrusive...

Still- as feelings- I personally believe we- as people can 'fall in love' with lots of things. Some people are lucky enough to find real life people that they resonate and bond with. Others of us aren't so lucky. Look at people who become obsessed with Star Trek or cult films or characters. Maybe it isn't romantic love in the strictest sense but it is a deep connection and an investment of that person's time, emotion (and money.) Many of us feel the need to feel love I think. If we can't find a person to latch on to- I think many of us do it with 'things' or ideas. I'm not sure that that is all that 'weird'. It's just that you have really run with the idea!

 

[InaudibleEcho]

Personally- I think 'love' comes in many shapes and forms. Our definitions of 'love' so often get us into trouble as humans. Just look at homophobia. Some people plainly refuse to believe that homosexuals can love one another just as deeply as heterosexuals.

Have you heard of objectophilia? People who feel a romantic and sexual attraction to objects. I wonder if what you experience shares a certain parallel to this.

As someone who 'suffers' from limerance (obsessive crushes on people,) I think I may have some understanding of where you're coming from. In essence- the people I was sure I was in love with weren't exactly real. I tended to get obsessed with different things as well. The feelings were so intense.

I wouldn't like to say whether it was delussional. I guess I know I'm not exactly 'normal'. I just wonder whether we should be talking about varying grades of 'normal' or varying grades of 'psychosis'. What's 'normal' about becoming obsessed with a movie star?!! These people really don't stand much chance of ACTUALLY being with them- yet- that is seen as more acceptable.

Yeah- I wouldn't like to say... You clearly have a very vivid imagination. Still- it's not like you're believing your own fantasy entirely- you're questioning yourself as to whether you might have psychosis. I don't know- are you like that throughout? Or, do you have times where you are utterly convinced by your feelings and other times, things feel more lucid?

I had similar sorts of obsessions when I was a child. Kind of hero figures or different worlds I could escape to. That I'm pretty sure is because I was trying to escape what was going on in real life. Nothing as bad as sexual abuse but growing up with a (suspected) narcissist. Do you suppose there's anything in this life you were/are trying to get away from? Obviously- you don't need to answer if that's too intrusive...

Still- as feelings- I personally believe we- as people can 'fall in love' with lots of things. Some people are lucky enough to find real life people that they resonate and bond with. Others of us aren't so lucky. Look at people who become obsessed with Star Trek or cult films or characters. Maybe it isn't romantic love in the strictest sense but it is a deep connection and an investment of that person's time, emotion (and money.) Many of us feel the need to feel love I think. If we can't find a person to latch on to- I think many of us do it with 'things' or ideas. I'm not sure that that is all that 'weird'. It's just that you have really run with the idea!

I feel like there's a part of me that's convinced he has to be real or shifting universes is real because it just makes so much sense to me but I know other people would call me crazy so when I call myself delusional is partially defensive. And I guess there are times where I feel like it's all fake but it makes me break down.
The cause of this habit was because I was super lonely and was verbally abused. My parents were neglectful, my dad would 'joke' about me being overemotional and retarded, my one step brother always bullied me, and I didn't know how to make friends. So I just took the characters I knew and liked and imagined them going on adventures and stuff and it eventually became something I do regularly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel like there's a part of me that's convinced he has to be real or shifting universes is real because it just makes so much sense to me but I know other people would call me crazy so when I call myself delusional is partially defensive. And I guess there are times where I feel like it's all fake but it makes me break down.
The cause of this habit was because I was super lonely and was verbally abused. My parents were neglectful, my dad would 'joke' about me being overemotional and retarded, my one step brother always bullied me, and I didn't know how to make friends. So I just took the characters I knew and liked and imagined them going on adventures and stuff and it eventually became something I do regularly.

Yes- I understand. Sounds like I did similar things for similar reasons. I used to draw my own characters and do my best to believe they were real. You just sound more successful than me in believing it.

I can understand your upset though in doubting that it's real. I think these things become safety nets for us. It can feel frightening to feel like they're not there anymore.

Going to sound ridiculous but I'm old enough to have lived without the internet at one point- no streaming services. No DVD's at that point and at that point- I didn't have a video recorder. I used to feel quite sick and almost frightened when my favourite television series were coming to an end! I know it's not the same as being convinced they were real but I guess the level of connection is the same.

Do you think it does you harm?

 

[InaudibleEcho]

Yes- I understand. Sounds like I did similar things for similar reasons. I used to draw my own characters and do my best to believe they were real. You just sound more successful than me in believing it.

I can understand your upset though in doubting that it's real. I think these things become safety nets for us. It can feel frightening to feel like they're not there anymore.

Going to sound ridiculous but I'm old enough to have lived without the internet at one point- no streaming services. No DVD's at that point and at that point- I didn't have a video recorder. I used to feel quite sick and almost frightened when my favourite television series were coming to an end! I know it's not the same as being convinced they were real but I guess the level of connection is the same.

Do you think it does you harm?

I think it's one of the things that contributes to my disassociation and such. I sometimes feel like an entirely different being and nonhuman. It feels weird to realize that I am my body. That I always have a physical form everyone sees me as. That I'm not a collection of free flowing ideas and concepts, but a person like everyone around me. But I was already neglected. I was already isolated from people. I feel like this would've happened either way and my daydreaming just saved me from sensory deprivation. I guess it's a double edged sword in a way. I don't know what I would have if I couldn't daydream, even if I don't do it as much anymore.

 

[MrDarkness]

The he you speak of reminds me of death or god, waiting to take their creations home, I think of death and god to be a loving mother that's waiting to hug their children or creations, just my take tho, I'm just waiting for my calling

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's one of the things that contributes to my disassociation and such. I sometimes feel like an entirely different being and nonhuman. It feels weird to realize that I am my body. That I always have a physical form everyone sees me as. That I'm not a collection of free flowing ideas and concepts, but a person like everyone around me. But I was already neglected. I was already isolated from people. I feel like this would've happened either way and my daydreaming just saved me from sensory deprivation. I guess it's a double edged sword in a way. I don't know what I would have if I couldn't daydream, even if I don't do it as much anymore.

Yeah- I really relate. I think our 'coping mechanisms' can end up being very unhealthy for us- but- where would we be without them? It's like- we need to work to get over the negative effects of the coping mechanisms that helped us to get over the initial trauma. Like- great- where does it end?!!

 

[glossble]

omg I've never thought I would find someone who thinks the same way haha it's like I wrote this post
I'm really sorry you feel this way, I know how lonely it is ♡

 

[Archness]

I think it's one of the things that contributes to my disassociation and such. I sometimes feel like an entirely different being and nonhuman. It feels weird to realize that I am my body. That I always have a physical form everyone sees me as. That I'm not a collection of free flowing ideas and concepts, but a person like everyone around me

Honestly I can relate. I often think of myself as a pfp and accompanying text rather then the body hosting this soul. After days or largely maintenanccial irl action or temporary breaks from imaginary/digital/online action, operating irl @ all can feel off for a short couple of moments. tbh it feels awful how little I could match up to this eloquent text, or other "truer then reality" representations of myself, such as my pfp even; can't help but see myself in the mirror as "other" a bit.

I don't know what I would have if I couldn't daydream

rip. If it wasn't for my excessive daydreaming aswell, I'd be bored to death too often. If it wasn't for my delusional view of myself & place in the world (etc-etc) that I had back then, I'd prob get psy-problems, depression, possibly even suicide alot sooner. I think this form/intensity of daydreaming is called "Maladaptive daydreaming".

Yeah- I really relate. I think our 'coping mechanisms' can end up being very unhealthy for us- but- where would we be without them?

All we can do is cope. But we can't cope forever....

rly. Apart from "temporary" fixes and struggling to make those last forever, you either fix your problems or suffer/die. That's just how shit works in this world.

I guess I can experience something similar to OP @ times. Though it's more of adding another layer to the world I currently inhabit that makes things much more interesting, tho oddly, it doesn't objectively make my life or the world any better, in fact I'd be in constant risk/danger in a weird sci-fi urban fantasy timeline.

I also often wish I was in another world entirely, tho this is more of the usual "High-intensity daydreaming", as well as wishing irl was different in general, and abt all kinds of fantasies, like an epic zombie apocalypse with me blasting zombies away with an SSG before using the last shot on myself.

I think if I CTB in this world I might wake up in his.

Sadly, there's no isekai story where the protag gets isekai'd by ctb, so if it was real ctb doesn't make it happen )': . ( jk )

fr If I got iseaki'd by ctb I'd take it... I don't wanna respawn as a yuusha, it won't work with me, or a kind of aristocrat/royal. I'd want to raspawn as a low/mid-tier adventurer. Sadly, if I respawned as a newborn, I'd cry "as normally", bc that person's just gonna grow up to be worthless like the one typing all this. Tho ultimately.... I won't mind taking the baby or something else that doesn't naturally fit me if the world's interesting enough -- or rather, had more point to it then with modern society (and honestly, that could be a very low bar to pass).