Venting im cutting off my friends

[monotine]

I'm diagnosed with CPTSD and MDD. It's been very hard, which is why I don't like opening up to my friends and telling them how I'm currently doing. Don't get me wrong, I have a great support system and I'm very grateful for that. They always tell me that they're there for me and I can open up to them if I need someone. But for some reason this weird brain of mine refuses help. I don't like burdening them with my problems as I know that being around someone who's mentally ill is very draining. As much as possible I keep it all to myself unless I really can't take it anymore.

I've been trying to get better at my own pace, planning out things, journaling, etc. Sometimes I just can't help but vent on social media about how hard stuff is. My friend messaged me and told me to change my mindset one step at a time. Idk why, but for some reason that set me off. I think I was just very overwhelmed but I got annoyed cause I felt like she was pressuring me to get better. She's my friend who I crash out to a lot and she's also diagnosed with a mental illness. She's doing much better than me and we both understand what we're both going through. I guess I was just caught off guard cause I didn't expect an "advice" for what's currently happening, I just genuinely needed someone to listen to me. I also felt like just cause she was doing better doesn't mean that I should be okay like her.

My mind's all over the place this post seems very chaotic. I apologize. But she confronted me earlier and was telling me how draining it is to be around me. Which proves so many points in my mind.

I'm also aware where I'm wrong I just need to let this out. I don't plan on fixing my friendships and I think I'm going to ruin them all so that CTB will be easier. From now on I'm going to keep everything to myself. I've been planning on CTB via SN. I'm still thinking it through. I really am just so tired of this life.

 

[SASU-KE]

That's an extremely dark thought. I understand the logic and the thought process behind it, but don't do it. You already have friends. Some people are suffering without any. If your time comes, don't be lonely leading up to it.Get the support you need and go in peace.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

People's attempt at supporting you can seem and feel like pressure when you're at this stage. To hold someone like you is to hold hot coal in our bare hands.

But you're not a hot coal. You're a person and the fact that you're actually aware of their intervention being received as pressure is already a good step to the right direction.

Like Sasu-ke said, lean on your friends. You might feel like a complete burden but that's fine. Everyone else is a burden on two legs in many ways. Trust. You're not bad.

They're there for you. Don't push them away.

I think if you explain to them how your mind is translating their support right now, they'll understand.

It seems to me that one of them does, the one that's commenting on your social media rants and encouraging you to take baby steps in seeing through the darkness.

So yeah, godspeed. This site is so dark I hate it here sometimes. But the forums are fun so I stick around.

Don't veer off the deep end yet.