Venting I'm crying

[Lotus]

My cousin just called me. She told me that she loves me, and that she's thinking of me, especially now in the holidays. She told me to send her a message or call if I'm having a bad day or just want to talk. She said that she knows that this has been a rough time for me, and she's aware of that I have been in and out of the hospital, but she believes that 2020 will be my year. I just quietly cried my eyes out and said "I hope so", even though my CTB plans are next week. Now I just feel so guilty. I have no idea why she's so fond of me. I have done nothing to deserve it. And I feel so bad for lying to her about moving forward in 2020. She said that she wanted to give me a big hug when we finally meet again, but we probably won't...

This is the only place I can vent to. I have to pull myself together, because I'm meeting my sister today. I will spend Christmas Eve with her, and this will be my goodbye to her. Thank you for reading, and I'm sorry that I'm posting so much of my life. I know that many of you guys would have given a lot to have someone to care for you as I have, so I hate if this makes you feel worse about your situation.

 

[SinisterKid]

Hey, never apologise for venting here, its all part and parcel of what this place is about.

You are just protecting the people you care about. If the general view of suicide and suicidal people were different, this place would not need to exist. Dont feel guilty about that, its admirable that you care about others.

 

[Lotus]

Hey, never apologise for venting here, its all part and parcel of what this place is about.

You are just protecting the people you care about. If the general view of suicide and suicidal people were different, this place would not need to exist. Dont feel guilty about that, its admirable that you care about others.

Thank you

 

[Dripping]

I know that many of you guys would have given a lot to have someone to care for you as I have, so I hate if this makes you feel worse about your situation.

No worries, we are here to support and to help you trough this experience. IMHO you should not feel guilty because you have chosen your path, buyed your thickets and ready to CTB, if your cousin would have made the difference she had many occasion before your determination. You have drown a line and said enough is enough so what? you can always reconsider your decision, till the last moment, but it is not a phone call full of do-gooding that makes any difference. be at peace.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Shit like this hurts I completely relate, some people here would indeed wish for someone that cares to them like how your cousin cares about you but: you can't stay alive for someone, it doesn't solve your suicidal thoughts.
I have done the following things to hopefully make grief more bearable for my closest friend: set up a Google drive account with ugly pics of me, pics of my pets and videos where she can hear my voice whenever she wants to remember how my voice sounds.
I have ordered a hoodie for her with one of my double chin angles and a pillow of my most ugly pics + chocolate and a card that says: 'please hug this pillow whenever you miss me.'
I hope that you can use any of these things to help you getting a bit rid of the guilt and gives you the feeling of comfort: leaving your cousin behind with lovely gestures.

 

[astro]

Shit like this hurts I completely relate, some people here would indeed wish for someone that cares to them like how your cousin cares about you but: you can't stay alive for someone, it doesn't solve your suicidal thoughts.
I have done the following things to hopefully make grief more bearable for my closest friend: set up a Google drive account with ugly pics of me, pics of my pets and videos where she can hear my voice whenever she wants to remember how my voice sounds.
I have ordered a hoodie for her with one of my double chin angles and a pillow of my most ugly pics + chocolate and a card that says: 'please hug this pillow whenever you miss me.'
I hope that you can use any of these things to help you getting a bit rid of the guilt and gives you the feeling of comfort: leaving your cousin behind with lovely gestures.

man, that's super thoughtful of you. I wasn't even going to leave a note behind.

 

[Jean Améry]

No need to apologize. Being able to vent without judgement/comparison to others is one of the perks of this place. Your cousin sounds like a good person. Perhaps it could help to talk to her or your sister, you do not need to mention specific CTB-plans. Of course it's totally up to you.

I loved a few people deeply but they're no longer in my life. These days I don't feel deeply about anything anymore which is probably why I'm still alive. That and the fact that I have a couple of little nephews who would be sad if I were gone. Morally that should not matter (I did not bring them into existence) but emotionally it does. At least for now.

 

[OreoWellington]

I loved a few people deeply but they're no longer in my life.

What happened to the people you deeply loved in your life?

 

[NeCkDeEp]

man, that's super thoughtful of you. I wasn't even going to leave a note behind.

She's the only person I have done all these things for tho.

 

[TowerUpright]

You're amongst friends, here. Vent all you want, cry all you want. We'll listen with a sympathetic ear.

So sorry about your pain and that your cousin, who sounds like a caring person, is making your decision more difficult. It dies, show, you're loved. Many can't say they have someone like that.

 

[Shero]

Thank you for reading, and I'm sorry that I'm posting so much of my life. I know that many of you guys would have given a lot to have someone to care for you as I have, so I hate if this makes you feel worse about your situation.

I and all the post i've seen her won't judge. I can't imagine the unbearable pain you must endure from the conflict of your inner demons and the thoughts that a person loves you enough, to make it even harder than it already is.
Remember, you have the possibilities to choose how and when or even if you go. Could you maybe even met your cousin this holiday? Is she far away?
Don't hesitate to vent here if you feel like it, you feel horrible, and deserve compassion.

 

[Jean Améry]

What happened to the people you deeply loved in your life?

Apparantly being deeply depressed for reasons complete out of one's control tends to scare people off. In this case permanently. It's a long and complicated story and not one I'd like to revisit. Suffice to say I no longer believe in love nor friendship. At least not anything beyond convenience for both parties. People in general are cowards and egocentric bastards who only truly care for themselves.

 

[Lotus]

Thank you so much for your support and those of you who's sharing your own story. It means so much to me. I feel like I can truly be myself in this community, and it's such a relief. I wish I found this site earlier.

By the way, the day with my sister went far above my expectations. And to be completely honest, the day today and the care my cousin and psychiatrist have shown me almost makes me want to reconsider my choice. I also had a long talk with my mother, and she showed me some children pictures of me. But I know that changing my mind isn't what I truly want. It's what I know they want me to do - if they knew my CTB plans in detail. Anyway... It's somewhat nice seeing them so happy about me in these days, even though I feel guilty. At least they can have some good last memories.

And my cousin lives about 500 km away from me, so unfortunately I can't go and visit her @Debro .

 

[Shero]

Im sorry to hear that.
I know it seems intrusive to say this, but i would consider waiting a bit longer. If you have a good plan and your relationship with your family is improving a bit, why not trying it out? You can always choose to cbt. I hope you don't interpret it wrong. I don't care about your family, i don't know them and from what i understand, they weren't the kindest people either. Yes, i don't know you as well, but i can relate to your pain and i feel like if your decision is definitiv, you should have atleast a good seperation. You deserve to have good memories. Everyone on this forum does.

 

[Tinhoo]

I understand part of your concern, I feel sometimes the same way, I have good friends, I have a good mother that love me a lot and I have a good house to live, but I can´t fit in those things, it is like I am an actor performing a fake life that I am happy you know? I feel sad inside of my soul... I can´t fit here so I think it will be a fair, with all that love that I have but I can´t feel this inside me... Hope you choose the best for you Lotus !! :) this forum for sure it will support you in any choices you did

 

[Lotus]

Im sorry to hear that.
I know it seems intrusive to say this, but i would consider waiting a bit longer. If you have a good plan and your relationship with your family is improving a bit, why not trying it out? You can always choose to cbt. I hope you don't interpret it wrong. I don't care about your family, i don't know them and from what i understand, they weren't the kindest people either. Yes, i don't know you as well, but i can relate to your pain and i feel like if your decision is definitiv, you should have atleast a good seperation. You deserve to have good memories. Everyone on this forum does.

Yes, it's intrusive, but I appriciate it. I know no one will understand my situation to the fullest, but I'm greatful for every outside perspective I'm getting. It makes me think it through, and thinking is good when it comes to a choice like this. I honestly feel like I'm more enjoying my family now because it's like a goodbye. Before I was just more comfortable with not interacting with them. I know that my mother knows about my CTB thoughts, and I also think that my sister isn't completely clueless. That's kind of a relief, even though I know that they wouldn't support the actual decision.

I understand part of your concern, I feel sometimes the same way, I have good friends, I have a good mother that love me a lot and I have a good house to live, but I can´t fit in those things, it is like I am an actor performing a fake life that I am happy you know? I feel sad inside of my soul... I can´t fit here so I think it will be a fair, with all that love that I have but I can´t feel this inside me... Hope you choose the best for you Lotus !! :) this forum for sure it will support you in any choices you did

Thank you for your support, and thanks for sharing. I can relate so gruesomely to the acting side of it. I'm not me at all when I do it, but I feel like I have to do it for my family and friends. I feel like I have to put on a smile and try my best to react normally when they're telling a story and want a response out of me. The funny thing is that most doctors didn't take me seriously for so many months because they thought it was weird that I was combing my hair and changing out of my PJ's when I got visited by my family. They couldn't wrap their heads around it. I thought that this was such a common thing to do, so I was a little amazed that the doctors couldn't see through it. Anyway, it's not important now and all is forgotten. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry that you feel the way you are feeling.

 

[Shero]

Yes, it's intrusive, but I appriciate it. I know no one will understand my situation to the fullest, but I'm greatful for every outside perspective I'm getting. It makes me think it through, and thinking is good when it comes to a choice like this. I honestly feel like I'm more enjoying my family now because it's like a goodbye. Before I was just more comfortable with not interacting with them. I know that my mother knows about my CTB thoughts, and I also think that my sister isn't completely clueless. That's kind of a relief, even though I know that they wouldn't support the actual decision.

Thanks for hearing my viewpoint. It sound corny, but i hope you find relieve, whatever your decision might be.