There are a lot of people like this, but they don't admit it or it doesn't register with them because they don't ruminate. Actually, I have met plenty of people who talk about doing bad things but they don't care. Your behaviour doesn't mean you're evil, especially if you want to ctb because of it. Evil people don't feel guilt. Good people do bad things, it isn't black and white. You might enjoy feeling some agency/power in the moment, but that doesn't mean it doesn't all come crashing down. If you are raised by abusers, you are literally learning from the best, with regards to abuse. It's not even necessarily the "hurt people hurt people" trope, it is behaviour you absorbed like a sponge, it comes naturally and primally but you can unlearn it. If you did this as a child, like you said, and it went uncorrected, then it makes sense to still have this trait.
Apparently the average person has 1 homicidal thought a week, often in the context of "I could just kill my boss right now!", but then again, murderers do walk among us too. Aggression and dominance is part of human nature, you can see it everywhere. This is humanity and it's ugly sometimes, but we don't have to give into our natures. You clearly don't enjoy being this way, you're no monster. You have hurt yourself enough over this, you can find healthy outlets, or tell people that you have these traits to forewarn them. I heard of a psychopath who was open about it with his friends, who all knew that every now and then he could be an arsehole, but they were ready for it and accepted it within the context of his disorder. There are many types of people in this world, billions of them, someone will accept and understand you. You aren't evil, it's ok.
