Venting I’m convinced I cannot die

[willitpass]

I just don't understand. I have now survived four attempts that absolutely should have killed me. The other ones I can write off as having called for help, but this one has no reasoning for how I could have possibly survived. 1.2g of propranolol alone is lethal. 900mg of ivabridine had the potential to be lethal alone too. With visine on top of it it just doesn't make any sense how I didn't die. How have I survived so much shit? It's like some sick joke from the gods or something. It doesn't make any sense. I am convinced I can't fucking die at this point.

 

[Ethel]

The gods either love you very much or hate you very much lmao

That's definitely a somewhat powerful plot armor you got

 

[-Link-]

I'm so sorry for all your suffering... I really am. And it really does seem mind-boggling that you're still with us after what you went through these past two days.

I've always been amazed at your mental and emotional strength.

Apparently, your physical body shares this same strength. A fighter in every sense of the word.

 

[willitpass]

I'm at a loss anymore of what to do. Partial failed me twice now. Drowning/hypothermia didn't work. SN nearly worked and likely would work if I tried again and didn't call for help but I know it's getting harder to obtain and with the trauma from that attempt I'm skeptical if I would be able to swallow it and would likely throw up immediately. I can't even rinse my mouth with salt water when I have a sore throat without gagging and it's been 4 years. And now lethal doses of my two meds failed. I feel like nothing will kill me. Maybe I just need to do something more violent like running my car into a tree at 150mph. But god forbid I don't die from that I would absolutely be fucked. I just don't know.

 

[lachrymost]

I'm the most incompetent person when it comes to practical things like this. I can't even drive, so there's no way I can kill myself. Reading accounts like this just makes me more certain of it. The existential horror of being trapped here is crazy. The only solace is that at least I will die eventually. My heart goes out to you. You've worked so hard at this just to get PTSD in return. Fuck.

 

[fvckfamily]

Não sei mais o que fazer. Parcial falhou comigo duas vezes agora. Afogamento/hipotermia não funcionou. SN quase funcionou e provavelmente funcionaria se eu tentasse novamente e não pedisse ajuda, mas sei que está ficando mais difícil de obter e com o trauma daquela tentativa, estou cético se conseguiria engolir e provavelmente vomitaria imediatamente. Não consigo nem enxaguar a boca com água salgada quando estou com dor de garganta sem engasgar e já faz 4 anos. E agora doses letais dos meus dois remédios falharam. Sinto que nada vai me matar. Talvez eu só precise fazer algo mais violento, como bater meu carro em uma árvore a 150 mph. Mas Deus me livre se eu não morrer disso, eu estaria absolutamente ferrado. Eu simplesmente não sei.

Desejo melhorias, e eu também já pensei nisso que não posso morrer, então eu sei como, vou tentar com sn para ver se consigo me livrar dessa existência

 

[willitpass]

The longer I sit here as the adrenaline wears off the more in disbelief I am.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so bad for you. I read your attempt thread and kept wondering how you were getting on. It must have been so distressing.

I just don't know because, I don't know much about drugs. I do remember you saying in other threads that you use drugs to self harm in effect. Were they drugs you take regularly? Do you suppose your body has built up a resistance to them?

 

[willitpass]

I feel so bad for you. I read your attempt thread and kept wondering how you were getting on. It must have been so distressing.

I just don't know because, I don't know much about drugs. I do remember you saying in other threads that you use drugs to self harm in effect. Were they drugs you take regularly? Do you suppose your body has built up a resistance to them?

I have overdosed on them before, but never to that degree. And they aren't drugs known for causing a tolerance. Even if they were, it had been four weeks since I had taken them at all, overdose or not. I genuinely have no idea how I survived.

My only consolation is that that was my least traumatic attempt to date. It was not painful and very minimally distressing. Even the hallucinations were not very distressing. And the fact that I was able to avoid going to the hospital was a complete blessing, as that is where a lot of my trauma from previous attempts comes from. I'll just have to monitor myself these upcoming days for any signs of lasting damage, though my sense of self worth is negligible enough I honestly don't care if there is any.

 

[willitpass]

I just don't know what to do.

 

[CantDoIt]

I just don't know what to do.

Can you travel to get N, or something similar?

 

[finallydone]

death is so fucking hard for some people that's the reality of things, whilst so many neighbors' kids died "prematurely" i survived getting hit by a car going over 100km/h and contracted tuberculosis a few years later coupled with so many years of malnutrition and yet here i am

 

[JR_Timm]

Weird how that works, some random person can literally fall down a curb and die instantly, and I tried CTB twice and still here. I failed with everything in my life, and cant even end it properly.

 

[disjectamembra]

i am so sorry that you have to suffer like this ): my condolences

 

[willitpass]

death is so fucking hard for some people that's the reality of things, whilst so many neighbors' kids died "prematurely" i survived getting hit by a car going over 100km/h and contracted tuberculosis a few years later coupled with so many years of malnutrition and yet here i am

I survived partial at 13. I survived my first round of an eating disorder that same year despite being symptomatically malnourished and never getting treatment. I survived MRSA with hardly any symptoms. I survived going over a dam in the middle of winter. I survived SN despite needing CPR. I've been relapsed in my eating disorder for almost two years now despite losing a large amount of weight and it impacting my blood work and heart. I survived a coma from heart issues. I've survived overdosing on OTC pain killers daily for months now. I've survived now two major overdoses on my heart meds, and that means I've also survived months off of my heart meds in between then. I have survived the unimaginable for over a decade now and it just doesn't make any fucking sense. I treat myself like absolute shit even when I'm not actively trying to die. I should not be alive 10x over.

 

[CatLvr]

@willitpass My heart aches for you. The pain you must feel is beyond gutwrenching. I would give anything if I had the answers you seek, or could comfort you in the way you need so that it would fill the hole you feel. But, alas, all I can do is tell you I'm sorry you are hurting so much and tell you I care, even though there is nothing I can do.

 

[Coringa]

@willitpass you are a highlander