Venting I’m constantly terrified now.

[Ardesevent]

My heart doesn't stop beating, my eyes don't stop starting around, and it always feels like someone is watching me, no matter where I am.
I started feeling like this a couple days ago, and I had to delay my CTB date because of it. I can't stand feeling like this all the time, and the fact that school is just around the corner isn't making me feel much better at all. I might end up CTBing out of desperation at this point, but I can't let it happen that way. Death is the one time I'm supposed to feel at peace, and it's the one thing I need to feel that way.
If I get absorbed into a tv show, I've found that it stops. But if I take a break to eat, it starts again. I've started binge-watching things to a unhealthy degree- no breaks, even to sleep. I watched a 24 episode show in only 1 and 1/2 days. I can't take much more of this.

 

[RedDEE]

What's making you feel this way might be anxiety over CTB. I have schizophrenia, and whenever I set a date to CTB, my symptoms get a lot worse the closer I get to that date. It makes it so that I have to delay my CTB, like you did. I am unable to CTB, because whenever I get close to doing it, my schizophrenia symptoms get so bad that I am unable to proceed.

I consider my schizophrenia symptoms to be a type of "pain". Mental pain. It's like this "pain" is stopping me from CTB. This anxiety, and psychosis, it gets so severe that it paralyzes me. It's a shame, to be in so much pain that you can't even kill yourself. To be held prisoner in life by pain. It sucks that life keeps you held captive by pain, and not pleasure. Life says "You think you can kill yourself? You think you can escape me? Well here, take this pain! I'll put you in so much pain, you won't be able to escape!". I wish it was the other way around, I wish life said "You think you can escape me! Here, take this pleasure! I'll put you in so much pleasure, you won't want to escape!". That would be nice.

Somehow, we have to figure out a way to break through this barrier of anxiety and "pain". I think having a dose of a benzo would help tremendously to break through that barrier. Or maybe we do have to kill ourselves out of desperation. I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet.