Venting I'm completely losing my sanity

[clicmsf]

I just turned 18 last month and I'm already losing my sanity. I live in a family of above average wealth, but everyone in our family is depressed. I can't hold much longer as i now am experiencing physical pain as well as my previous mental depression. I'm feeling so deprived and i barely have talked to anyone in the past years. Sometimes i just say things so i don't forget my voice. Having money while being alone and living in a depressed household is a death sentence. The problem is everyone in our family would ctb if it wouldn't be a burden to others. I hate the fact that i still have people care about me. My biggest fear before was not being remembered by anyone after i die, but It has turned to a wish now.

 

[Darkover]

It's true, emotions are contagious. Studies suggest that other people's moods may be as easy to catch as their germs. You can be infected with someone's happiness — or sadness. Researchers call this phenomenon emotional contagion (EC), in which one person's emotions transfer to another.

Is depression contagious? The short answer is: yes—it's not called the common cold of mental illness for nothing.

But like most things, it's complicated. Depression is contagious, but it's not as if you get infected when your depressed friend cries on your shoulder. Instead, your own susceptibility or immunity depends on lots of things–your genetics, history, stress, and more.

It's been known for almost a decade that both healthy and unhealthy behaviors are contagious—if your friends quit smoking or become obese, you're more likely to do so, too. Even suicide can come in clusters.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. That sounds really tough. Would you consider moving out? Is that even an option?

 

[clicmsf]

I'm so sorry. That sounds really tough. Would you consider moving out? Is that even an option?

The thing is I'm tired of trying to get better. In reality I'm never ok. I have been in the process of healing/escaping from problems forever. I'm tired and I don't have enough energy to keep going and trying to get better. I can't move out as i personally barely have any money (my parents wouldn't give me a cent). I'm not living, I'm just surviving and I'm really exhausted. I feel safe in this forum because it feels like home everytime i read someone's post. Other than that, I'm suffering to death. In my opinion, not even drowning is a painful death compared to actually living

 

[Forever Sleep]

The thing is I'm tired of trying to get better. In reality I'm never ok. I have been in the process of healing/escaping from problems forever. I'm tired and I don't have enough energy to keep going and trying to get better. I can't move out as i personally barely have any money (my parents wouldn't give me a cent). I'm not living, I'm just surviving and I'm really exhausted. I feel safe in this forum because it feels like home everytime i read someone's post. Other than that, I'm suffering to death. In my opinion, not even drowning is a painful death compared to actually living

I'm so sorry. Yes- I understand. I feel very similar- the motivation is gone. It's very hard to do anything when the will simply isn't there. I'm so sorry.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Have you tried antidepressants? They can be a total game changer, especially if you have financial resources . I have seen them work wonders. They are imperfect, but potentially better than existing in misery - the world can be an amazing place for people who have the resources. Feel free to message me.

 

[Darkover]

take it with a pitch of salt that antidepressant work i've been on prozac and sertraline they didn't work for me

do not completely believe something that you are told, because i know it is unlikely to be true:

more than half the people who take antidepressants for depression never get relief.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be so awful feeling trapped here and it does sound really tiring what you have to endure, but anyway best wishes.

 

[LunaRory]

I totally get the not wanting to be mourned thing. There's a scene at the beginning of the 7th Harry Potter movie where Hermione puts a memory spell on her parents so they won't remember she ever existed. I keep re-watching that 20 second or so scene all the time. I wish I could go and it's as if I never existed, nobody to miss me or ask themselves if they could have done anything.
This is also why I can't really talk about this with my friends. They know I struggle with CPTSD and are very supportive but I'm fairly certain I'll jump off the planet at some point and I'd rather they'll be able to honestly say that they had no idea it was that bad. That they don't think they could/should have done something.

Do you get any treatment? Medication, therapy?

 

[clicmsf]

I totally get the not wanting to be mourned thing. There's a scene at the beginning of the 7th Harry Potter movie where Hermione puts a memory spell on her parents so they won't remember she ever existed. I keep re-watching that 20 second or so scene all the time. I wish I could go and it's as if I never existed, nobody to miss me or ask themselves if they could have done anything.
This is also why I can't really talk about this with my friends. They know I struggle with CPTSD and are very supportive but I'm fairly certain I'll jump off the planet at some point and I'd rather they'll be able to honestly say that they had no idea it was that bad. That they don't think they could/should have done something.

Do you get any treatment? Medication, therapy?

I used to go to therapy, but it didn't work. They refused to give me any medication as they thought I'm too young (17 at that time) and it's just a phase. Eventually i stopped going to therapy because all they did was giving me hope that life will be good and etc. I live in a country that mental health isn't really taken that seriously. I'm also a foreigner in this country so people are naturally not kind and caring (not everyone ofc). Currently I'm not getting any treatment, So yeah that's it.