Necrosis
Literally a bear
- Feb 23, 2023
- 39
I had been pretty active before on SS awhile ago, not enough to really be posting my own threads, but finding comfort in just talking to others. I had even made a few friends which now haven't lasted for various reasons. I don't ever think this site had made any of my issues worse or ever encouraged me to take part in harmful behavior/mindsets, but my mate expressed that he thinks I shouldn't be here as much as I was, and half joked that if we moved in together, he'd ban the site from being accessed on my computer he built for me. I had tried explaining to him that this site helped me, but he didn't understand. He was not really my reason for leaving, he didn't make any kind of ultimatum or demand that of me. But his attitude towards SS made me feel ashamed. The shame convinced me of delusions that this site was somehow making me worse, or thinking of suicide more than I would without it. (I know now this is not true)
I got to a point in my life with my mate that I decided I'd try to elongate my time left on this earth (health complications I didn't want operations for originally meant I'd have a shorter life) so that I could build a life with him. This turning point combined with my shame is really what made me decide to leave SS. But now I'm back...
This is after some rough waters with him. He isn't handling my behavior well for reasons I can't fully get into without dropping a novels worth of 5 year lore between us. I have made so much progress with him. I have quit numerous drugs, no more house parties, trap houses, better friends, cutback on self harm (never being clean, choosing not to because it becomes more threatening to my life), choosing better diets, physical therapy, tried talk therapy (not for me either), and just generally have done so much better. Acting like a "normal" human would, blending in well. Hiding all my instincts.
But I stopped being honest with my mate about how bad I'm still doing mentally. My habits may be better, but my mental health has been struggling significantly. Especially after he wants me to stop having so much one-on-one time with a friend I would crash with. He was my safe haven, but this has led to my mate questioning my loyalty, which I understand and take seriously because he has been cheated on horribly in the past. No matter what I said would relieve his paranoia, so I just have to cut contact with someone who helped me ore than he will ever know. Especially talking about my instincts with.
I guess this has pushed me to a place I haven't been to in so long. I am 100% faithful to this man, I changed so much of my lifestyle for him to have more hope in me, I suppress my animality/instincts. This just makes me so hopelessly frustrated. I can't even defend myself, and if I try it frustrates him because to him it's just excuses/diversions from my problems. It's made me hopeless about my overall progress. Especially when he's expressed he wants me to "grow up/get over it/stop living in the past" but that"s not really how my CPTSD works...I've definitely gotten better, but so much of my issue is chemical. My brain is rewired horribly after all I've been through. It takes time to recondition myself. I wonder if I'm wasting both of our time since he is realizing the halt in my progress due to how hard some specific issues are, and that he might never fully trust me no matter how much I show him I am faithful to him. It makes me want to stop trying with my "recovery". (sh tw) I've already started cutting again, still just keeping it to cat scratches/small beading but all over my body instead of just my torso. Another thing I cant tell him because he"s made a fucking LIST of issues he's got with me, one being he feel like he can't say certain things because he's constantly scared I'm gonna go cut myself or something? An unreasonable idea of me on his behalf, and I tell him just to talk to me/I'm not that sensitive. But yeah I am just not backing this idea up by telling him my sh is worse during this time of stress. We've also never really been this bad before, which is also why I think I've hit a limit.
I guess this could be because we're at the point where it's time to make up our minds about owning property together, him moving to my state permenantley, etc. We both really want this, but want it done right of course so he's addressing his concerns....but I don't have these issues with him. I'm just trying to be what he needs to be sure, but what's the point if after all this effort he doesn't see it? I'm worn down after all these acusations and grilling. WHy do I bother getting better if I'm being judged even harder, especially if I make a mistake?
I'm mostly venting, but I guess some advice on this might help from someone who's been through a similar expereience with regrets. We're at the peak of starting our forever after 5 years, do I just hold out, keep trying, do better?? Get to where he needs me to be and it'll all be worth it when we're together and things get easier??? Or do I just start to focus on self preservation, so I can just be here while he makes up his mind, because apparently my actions don't seem to impact this very much. I know I want this with him, but is it going to kill me if I keep pushing myself? Am I even worth all of this struggle?
Until my mind is made up, I'm letting myself be active on SS. Other humans don't have the empathy to give me real advice on this, especially my life partner. I need to use my rescources again, even if it's self indulgent. I need to feel better about what to do next. I just dont know what's next yet.
I got to a point in my life with my mate that I decided I'd try to elongate my time left on this earth (health complications I didn't want operations for originally meant I'd have a shorter life) so that I could build a life with him. This turning point combined with my shame is really what made me decide to leave SS. But now I'm back...
This is after some rough waters with him. He isn't handling my behavior well for reasons I can't fully get into without dropping a novels worth of 5 year lore between us. I have made so much progress with him. I have quit numerous drugs, no more house parties, trap houses, better friends, cutback on self harm (never being clean, choosing not to because it becomes more threatening to my life), choosing better diets, physical therapy, tried talk therapy (not for me either), and just generally have done so much better. Acting like a "normal" human would, blending in well. Hiding all my instincts.
But I stopped being honest with my mate about how bad I'm still doing mentally. My habits may be better, but my mental health has been struggling significantly. Especially after he wants me to stop having so much one-on-one time with a friend I would crash with. He was my safe haven, but this has led to my mate questioning my loyalty, which I understand and take seriously because he has been cheated on horribly in the past. No matter what I said would relieve his paranoia, so I just have to cut contact with someone who helped me ore than he will ever know. Especially talking about my instincts with.
I guess this has pushed me to a place I haven't been to in so long. I am 100% faithful to this man, I changed so much of my lifestyle for him to have more hope in me, I suppress my animality/instincts. This just makes me so hopelessly frustrated. I can't even defend myself, and if I try it frustrates him because to him it's just excuses/diversions from my problems. It's made me hopeless about my overall progress. Especially when he's expressed he wants me to "grow up/get over it/stop living in the past" but that"s not really how my CPTSD works...I've definitely gotten better, but so much of my issue is chemical. My brain is rewired horribly after all I've been through. It takes time to recondition myself. I wonder if I'm wasting both of our time since he is realizing the halt in my progress due to how hard some specific issues are, and that he might never fully trust me no matter how much I show him I am faithful to him. It makes me want to stop trying with my "recovery". (sh tw) I've already started cutting again, still just keeping it to cat scratches/small beading but all over my body instead of just my torso. Another thing I cant tell him because he"s made a fucking LIST of issues he's got with me, one being he feel like he can't say certain things because he's constantly scared I'm gonna go cut myself or something? An unreasonable idea of me on his behalf, and I tell him just to talk to me/I'm not that sensitive. But yeah I am just not backing this idea up by telling him my sh is worse during this time of stress. We've also never really been this bad before, which is also why I think I've hit a limit.
I guess this could be because we're at the point where it's time to make up our minds about owning property together, him moving to my state permenantley, etc. We both really want this, but want it done right of course so he's addressing his concerns....but I don't have these issues with him. I'm just trying to be what he needs to be sure, but what's the point if after all this effort he doesn't see it? I'm worn down after all these acusations and grilling. WHy do I bother getting better if I'm being judged even harder, especially if I make a mistake?
I'm mostly venting, but I guess some advice on this might help from someone who's been through a similar expereience with regrets. We're at the peak of starting our forever after 5 years, do I just hold out, keep trying, do better?? Get to where he needs me to be and it'll all be worth it when we're together and things get easier??? Or do I just start to focus on self preservation, so I can just be here while he makes up his mind, because apparently my actions don't seem to impact this very much. I know I want this with him, but is it going to kill me if I keep pushing myself? Am I even worth all of this struggle?
Until my mind is made up, I'm letting myself be active on SS. Other humans don't have the empathy to give me real advice on this, especially my life partner. I need to use my rescources again, even if it's self indulgent. I need to feel better about what to do next. I just dont know what's next yet.
