I’m back, I was too scared

[ghostspace]

hi. I don't know if anyone remembers me but I left to CTB over the summer and stopped coming online because I couldn't tell if I was ready or not and didn't want to convince myself to do something I wasn't sure of.

I really wish I'd done it then. I lost my best friend of 6 years after coming clean to her about some fucked up stuff I lied about in my past, which obviously destroyed her trust in me. We haven't spoken in 3 months and aren't friends anymore. She was the only best friend I've ever had.

Anyways, I got more SN and have nearly CTB on impulse the past couple nights so I figured I'd come back here to feel less alone through whatever comes next.

You guys are the only people I feel at home with. I'm almost crying typing this, the past few months have been more painful and lonely than the entirety of my life before then.

I love you, I'm glad to be back. This feels like a safe little purgatory where I can sort things out and be truly understood.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Hello, and thanks for sharing your story. Welcome back! I love your profile picture, it's really pretty!

Sorry about your friend. It would feel awful losing someone who was so important to you. Know you have people here happy to have you here and welcome you back as you sort out your thoughts and feelings. This really is the only place where we can be understood.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[DyingAlf]

Welcome back.
Sorry you lost your best friend, it really sucks when that happens.
Glad you didn't do your SN on impulse, I think SN needs to be carefully planned or it could go so wrong.

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi, I remember you. Sorry to hear life has been such a struggle. Sometimes breaks can help. Welcome back

 

[WFJ74]

We love you too. I think we all understand where you are and your desire to CTB. We've all made mistakes in our lives and have felt that same suffering. As I sit here writing this I'm staring at my bottle of SN on my desk. Its been there a little over a week now so I'm right there with you. For now, stay here in the forums where you feel safe and accepted. We will listen and support whatever decision you make :)

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry to hear about your friend. we're here to support you, whatever decision you make.

 

[ghostspace]

Oh man I love you guys so much, I want to send you little gifts of art and letters on cute stationery for being so kind and understanding.

thank you for the warm welcome back, I'm actually crying now.

 

[Silver]

Hey and welcome back. Sorry to hear about losing your best friend. I lost mine a couple of years ago because she wasn't willing to keep it up. It hurt so much. Glad you're back on this site so you can work out your next steps with support and understanding.

 

[sadworld]

Hey, welcome back. This place is our home and we are here for you

 

[MariV]

its perfectly normal and understandable. survival instinct is so deeply ingrained in us...and together with hope and fear, prolong the misery that could be at once finished!

 

[ghostspace]

its perfectly normal and understandable. survival instinct is so deeply ingrained in us...and together with hope and fear, prolong the misery that could be at once finished!

survival instinct is such a b*tch, coming in to mess up my party when she wasn't even invited.

 

[Niirvana]

survival instinct is such a b*tch, coming in to mess up my party when she wasn't even invited.

Agree... :( nice to meet u ^^

 

[WFJ74]

survival instinct is such a b*tch, coming in to mess up my party when she wasn't even invited.

Yup got me two weekends ago when I finally had everything lined up and ready to go. It really is a b*tch.

 

[DeathNoot]

Welcome back, I did wonder where you'd gone. I'm sorry about your best friend, I lost mine for different reasons but I know how it feels. I wish the best for you whatever happens <3

 

[whywere]

WELCOME back, love having you here!!! I have been here for a few months and YES!! this is the BEST place in the world as far as the nicest most caring people, that are non-judgemental and help one another out. SI is very strong, thats nature at either its best or worst. Love and peace be with you and welcome back!!!!

 

[ghostspace]

Welcome back, I did wonder where you'd gone. I'm sorry about your best friend, I lost mine for different reasons but I know how it feels. I wish the best for you whatever happens <3

DeathNoot, every time I see your screen name it makes me smile. I'm glad you're still here and am so sorry about your friend. It's more painful than any other kind of breakup.

 

[tidalwxves]

hi. I don't know if anyone remembers me but I left to CTB over the summer and stopped coming online because I couldn't tell if I was ready or not and didn't want to convince myself to do something I wasn't sure of.

I really wish I'd done it then. I lost my best friend of 6 years after coming clean to her about some fucked up stuff I lied about in my past, which obviously destroyed her trust in me. We haven't spoken in 3 months and aren't friends anymore. She was the only best friend I've ever had.

Anyways, I got more SN and have nearly CTB on impulse the past couple nights so I figured I'd come back here to feel less alone through whatever comes next.

You guys are the only people I feel at home with. I'm almost crying typing this, the past few months have been more painful and lonely than the entirety of my life before then.

I love you, I'm glad to be back. This feels like a safe little purgatory where I can sort things out and be truly understood.

Thanks for being brave enough to come back and ask for help. That's not easy, I get it.. Please try professional help as well before you CTB. I suggest this just because its a permanent decision that you should make only after exhausting your other options, plus as much as we can care and support we aren't professionals here. Again, glad you are back in that you can get some level of encouragement in this forum but please try to create some other safe spaces before you let go

 

[ghostspace]

Thanks for being brave enough to come back and ask for help. That's not easy, I get it.. Please try professional help as well before you CTB. I suggest this just because its a permanent decision that you should make only after exhausting your other options, plus as much as we can care and support we aren't professionals here. Again, glad you are back in that you can get some level of encouragement in this forum but please try to create some other safe spaces before you let go

Yes! I currently see two therapists and have been in treatment since I was 10.

Thank you, I definitely agree that people should seek professional help if they can.

This is a suicide forum, though, so I'm here because while professional help has led me to understand myself better, I do suffer from an untreatable disorder which totally sucks. I don't want to just talk to professionals but also to people who understand what I'm going through.

CTB or not, I do intend to stay in therapy ♡

 

[tidalwxves]

Yes! I currently see two therapists and have been in treatment since I was 10.

Thank you, I definitely agree that people should seek professional help if they can.

This is a suicide forum, though, so I'm here because while professional help has led me to understand myself better, I do suffer from an untreatable disorder which totally sucks. I don't want to just talk to professionals but also to people who understand what I'm going through.

CTB or not, I do intend to stay in therapy ♡

Thanks for sharing, I'm not here to judge the decisions anyone makes, but sometimes I encounter people who are hell bent on CTB without having tried professional help and that worries/saddens me. One thing I'll say - and again, its up to you what you do - maybe these aren't the right therapists for you? If you have been seeing them a long time and you haven't improved its possible they just aren't the right fit. Hope you get some rest and peace soon

 

[ghostspace]

Thanks for sharing, I'm not here to judge the decisions anyone makes, but sometimes I encounter people who are hell bent on CTB without having tried professional help and that worries/saddens me. One thing I'll say - and again, its up to you what you do - maybe these aren't the right therapists for you? If you have been seeing them a long time and you haven't improved its possible they just aren't the right fit. Hope you get some rest and peace soon

My therapists are fantastic and their personalities work really well with mine. I've definitely improved a lot since starting treatment with them.

I have something called quiet BPD which isn't noticeable by others but isn't treatable, either. There's stuff I can do to cope better, but I'll always feel the way I feel and I don't know if I want a life like that.

I'm glad I didn't find this site as a teenager because even though I wanted to die then, I didn't really know what I wanted or how different things would be with medication and therapy.

 

[Ulisses]

welcome. I hope the forum will help in whatever you need.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I remember you, I've lost alot of friends myself this past year. It can be rough but we're here for you what we can be, welcome back!

 

[ghostspace]

I remember you, I've lost alot of friends myself this past year. It can be rough but we're here for you what we can be, welcome back!

I remember you, too. and your cool avatar ♡ *:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: