I’m at my suicide spot & this happened before at beachy ..I feel super calm to where I feel like I could never be insane enough to leap..

[cscott]

So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that I just can't even imagine the thought of throwing myself off..

PLEASE I'm not looking for sympathy comments although I appreciate them, but I need some boosters even if it just I dunno..

I truly hate myself and feel worthless like I can't even just get over a few seconds of fear to be ultimately free. The thought of waiting for sn is torture I would want a partner but I'm not sure 50g is even enough to share now .. as I want to make sure I fucking die if I take that shit with a second glass .. what the hell do u do in this hell when u feel enclosed ina box and it's worse cause deep down u know the box isn't real it's all an illusion of the mind to survive at any cost.. this body is ready to die but the mind is so strong

It's like I can share & tells others but talking myself up is just gone..

I feel by the time sn comes I'll be scared of that also wil I ever be free ??

 

[soonatpeace777888]

The same thing happened to me when I was at my full suspension location. For me it was more a fear of failure and hurting myself but there is a certain peace you get when your right at the point.

 

[cscott]

The same thing happened to me when I was at my full suspension location. For me it was more a fear of failure and hurting myself but there is a certain peace you get when your right at the point.

But this peace won't push you & this peace is never there any other time so why now when I'm not even free yet.. I feel this peace is a trick cause how the hell can I have true peace looking at my freedom n just not going for it ??

I'm more just terrified of the time in the air knowing once I land I'm gone. I'm not even worried of pain cause I know impact will do it.. but it's the literal thought of floating in the air with no more control .. I don't wanna scream

 

[soonatpeace777888]

But this peace won't push you & this peace is never there any other time so why now when I'm not even free yet.. I feel this peace is a trick cause how the hell can I have true peace looking at my freedom n just not going for it ??

Yeah it could be SI manifesting in a certain form.

 

[MatthieuFrederickW]

So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that I just can't even imagine the thought of throwing myself off..

PLEASE I'm not looking for sympathy comments although I appreciate them, but I need some boosters even if it just I dunno..

I truly hate myself and feel worthless like I can't even just get over a few seconds of fear to be ultimately free. The thought of waiting for sn is torture I would want a partner but I'm not sure 50g is even enough to share now .. as I want to make sure I fucking die if I take that shit with a second glass .. what the hell do u do in this hell when u feel enclosed ina box and it's worse cause deep down u know the box isn't real it's all an illusion of the mind to survive at any cost.. this body is ready to die but the mind is so strong

It's like I can share & tells others but talking myself up is just gone..

I feel by the time sn comes I'll be scared of that also wil I ever be free ??

Honestly if I knew for sure I'd be courageous enough to jump off Beachy Head I'd be heading there right now

 

[cscott]

Yeah it could be SI manifesting in a certain form.

I convinced it is cause in my own flat I am never this calm not even the slightest. It's like dissociating in this Airbnb so I don't have to face reality. Where as in my own flat so sick of it tbh & all the pain is in there that I can't wait to face reality..

Si is very smart .. that's what it's for right smart survival quick tricks to keep u alive

I don't even know how express my hate anymore

Honestly if I knew for sure I'd be courageous enough to jump off Beachy Head I'd be heading there right now

U say so but this si ain't no joke I'm at rock bottom I have nothing n yet still I stay trapped

 

[MatthieuFrederickW]

I convinced it is cause in my own flat I am never this calm not even the slightest. It's like dissociating in this Airbnb so I don't have to face reality. Where as in my own flat so sick of it tbh & all the pain is in there that I can't wait to face reality..

Si is very smart .. that's what it's for right smart survival quick tricks to keep u alive

I don't even know how express my hate anymore

U say so but this si ain't no joke I'm at rock bottom I have nothing n yet still I stay trapped

Yeah si so strong it's stops one jumping and hitting rock bottom in a literal sense

 

[cscott]

Yeah si so strong it's stops one jumping and hitting rock bottom in a literal sense

Literally! It's just heart shattering

 

[waRmblanket]

ultimately waiting for SN could help you. at the moment imo, SN is "peaceful" i understand it can hurt in some ways, but i feel with enough drugs for sedation you'll be okay after some time. really hope you can wait for SN:( i'm here if you ever need to talk, i'm sorry shit is getting difficult. SI is valid, jumping would be scary.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I said this before but I think I'd close my eyes and run towards the edge instead of looking down and waiting for the courage to jump. I'd say jumping is the one method you need to be impulsive and not give it a second thought to succeed.

 

[FuneralCry]

Jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me which is why I envy those who succeeded so much, they were so courageous and must had been so determined. It really shouldn't be so difficult to finally be free from this existence.

 

[cscott]

I said this before but I think I'd close my eyes and run towards the edge instead of looking down and waiting for the courage to jump. I'd say jumping is the one method you need to be impulsive and not give it a second thought to succeed.

This is exactly what I've thought & know that that there can't be no thoughts.. this really is a test of Buddha no mind .. but every time I'm like I can or just breath n look n think to run.. I'm lil like I can't. It's this battle within.

The other part of me is just like bro what dream r u living u can't jump

Jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me which is why I envy those who succeeded so much, they were so courageous and must had been so determined. It really shouldn't be so difficult to finally be free from this existence.

I swear I truly truly envy n wonder how they went through cause even in all my torment it's like I can't muster it. N .. I AM TIRED

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

This is exactly what I've thought & know that that there can't be no thoughts.. this really is a test of Buddha no mind .. but every time I'm like I can or just breath n look n think to run.. I'm lil like I can't. It's this battle within.

The other part of me is just like bro what dream r u living u can't jump

Sorry if it sounds dumb but what about earphones and really loud music so it's the only thing on your mind? Close your eyes and sing the lyrics, focus on the sound and nothing else.

 

[cscott]

Sorry if it sounds dumb but what about earphones and really loud music so it's the only thing on your mind? Close your eyes and sing the lyrics, focus on the sound and nothing else.

I ac thought if this too.. but my love for music has completely gone ..music was my life & I don't even listen to anything anymore like literally . I sit in my house in silence everyday. So I'm like will this work ..

I even bought sleeping pads for ur eyes to not see anything. But it's the fact in my mind I fucking knowwwwwww!

I have therapy tomo and I feel like this is gonna break me cause Im tired of faking shit and the world trying to save me. So if not tonight I dunno maybe I break tomo.. I just don't know anymore..

I think I of running up to it
Sitting and just fall back
It's like whatever I do to help my mind won't fall for the trick cause it knows it's lights out for it ..

I ac wanna laugh but I can't but a part of me wants to at the stupidity of this all cause how can one be so aware but so trapped in their own prison

 

[BlackDog81]

"So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that"

For what my opinion's worth. Which is really not a lot, I just wanted to share this. I can relate to everything thing that you're saying. I think the sense of calmness that arises in these moments comes from knowing you are seated in your power and that actually you do have an enormous amount of control.

As for super high. For a while this was my preffered option. Then my research led me to discover a surprisingly high survival rate with the obvious horrendous consequences. So for me personally this is not good enough, as I need to know that 100% I'm not ending up in a hospital and certainly not as a vegetable. If you have something more reliable then maybe stay seated in your power just a little bit longer?

 

[cscott]

"So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that"

For what my opinion's worth. Which is really not a lot, I just wanted to share this. I can relate to everything thing that you're saying. I think the sense of calmness that arises in these moments comes from knowing you are seated in your power and that actually you do have an enormous amount of control.

As for super high. For a while this was my preffered option. Then my research led me to discover a surprisingly high survival rate with the obvious horrendous consequences. So for me personally this is not good enough, as I need to know that 100% I'm not ending up in a hospital and certainly not as a vegetable. If you have something more reliable then maybe stay seated in your power just a little bit longer?

But for me I see this as pure weakness. I want to go over the rail goddamit. I'm tired!!! I feel the shock and impact would take me out no doubt so why am I calm.. when I'm in my flat I'm in torture every second of every minute even with sn on the way.

So if I'm in my power and I'm in control why couldn't I just wait for the sn and relax.

When I'm in my house I have nothing at all to do. No work, no tv, music, nature.. people nothing helps.. All of a sudden I'm super calm beyond belief .. none of this shit makes fucking sense for me anymore I'm sick of the games

I appreciate ur words tho & I guess I will have to await as I can't muster the balls

 

[jessisme]

I ac thought if this too.. but my love for music has completely gone ..music was my life & I don't even listen to anything anymore like literally . I sit in my house in silence everyday. So I'm like will this work ..

I even bought sleeping pads for ur eyes to not see anything. But it's the fact in my mind I fucking knowwwwwww!

I have therapy tomo and I feel like this is gonna break me cause Im tired of faking shit and the world trying to save me. So if not tonight I dunno maybe I break tomo.. I just don't know anymore..

I think I of running up to it
Sitting and just fall back
It's like whatever I do to help my mind won't fall for the trick cause it knows it's lights out for it ..

I ac wanna laugh but I can't but a part of me wants to at the stupidity of this all cause how can one be so aware but so trapped in their own prison

How many attempts have you had already?

 

[cscott]

How many attempts have you had already?

Well when I first started really settling into killing myself and feeling real manic uncontrollably waking up at like 4am in the morning every night. I went to look at high places all the time but ac went to high tower block about 4 times or so

Then I went beachy head 2

And now this ..

I dunno why I just felt like I wanted that free feeling or just to let go as I fall as laying in bed with after drinking something just doesn't feel like I'm being freed if that makes sense ..

 

[BlackDog81]

But for me I see this as pure weakness. I want to go over the rail goddamit. I'm tired!!! I feel the shock and impact would take me out no doubt so why am I calm.. when I'm in my flat I'm in torture every second of every minute even with sn on the way.

So if I'm in my power and I'm in control why couldn't I just wait for the sn and relax.

When I'm in my house I have nothing at all to do. No work, no tv, music, nature.. people nothing helps.. All of a sudden I'm super calm beyond belief .. none of this shit makes fucking sense for me anymore I'm sick of the games

I appreciate ur words tho & I guess I will have to await as I can't muster the balls

I hear you completely and feel very similar to you in so many ways. Please try not to feel weak, I don't think of myself as weak, even though many people might think so because I I'll be using a very painless and hopefully reliable method. Also because I have had to wait and be patient whilst making arrangements such as will etc. I frame it for myself as sitting in my power.
I've endured so much pain already that enduring a little more to be assured of the result I want, seems like the opposite of weakness. For me personally. Weakness for me would be to rush into it impulsively, risk messing things up completely and creating a real mess. Not literally.
I wish for you peace and strength, may your sense of calm endure for as long as you do. You are braver than you realise.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that I just can't even imagine the thought of throwing myself off..

PLEASE I'm not looking for sympathy comments although I appreciate them, but I need some boosters even if it just I dunno..

I truly hate myself and feel worthless like I can't even just get over a few seconds of fear to be ultimately free. The thought of waiting for sn is torture I would want a partner but I'm not sure 50g is even enough to share now .. as I want to make sure I fucking die if I take that shit with a second glass .. what the hell do u do in this hell when u feel enclosed ina box and it's worse cause deep down u know the box isn't real it's all an illusion of the mind to survive at any cost.. this body is ready to die but the mind is so strong

It's like I can share & tells others but talking myself up is just gone..

I feel by the time sn comes I'll be scared of that also wil I ever be free ??

So I booked an Airbnb super high up to do the job not worried about that I just can't even imagine the thought of throwing myself off..

PLEASE I'm not looking for sympathy comments although I appreciate them, but I need some boosters even if it just I dunno..

I truly hate myself and feel worthless like I can't even just get over a few seconds of fear to be ultimately free. The thought of waiting for sn is torture I would want a partner but I'm not sure 50g is even enough to share now .. as I want to make sure I fucking die if I take that shit with a second glass .. what the hell do u do in this hell when u feel enclosed ina box and it's worse cause deep down u know the box isn't real it's all an illusion of the mind to survive at any cost.. this body is ready to die but the mind is so strong

It's like I can share & tells others but talking myself up is just gone..

I feel by the time sn comes I'll be scared of that also wil I ever be free ??

I feel ya man! Check out my user name and title, but yet here I am. I thought it would be so easy. At first when I felt calm I thought yes this is how I should feel about it. But, like you said being calm isn't gonna cut it. When I do get the rush to go for it then I realize it will take time to get there and climb, by then I'm sure SI would take over. I think I got in trouble before for encouraging, so all I can say is one day we will find our peace or it will find us.

 

[cscott]

I feel ya man! Check out my user name and title, but yet here I am. I thought it would be so easy. At first when I felt calm I thought yes this is how I should feel about it. But, like you said being calm isn't gonna cut it. When I do get the rush to go for it then I realize it will take time to get there and climb, by then I'm sure SI would take over. I think I got in trouble before for encouraging, so all I can say is one day we will find our peace or it will find us.

I genuinely just don't know how ppl do it.. it has to be one of the greatest courageous methods.

I don't even know what to say cause I'm so tired of fighting death like this shit wants me but I can't give into it … jumping deffo has to be on impulse I feel or letting the insanity just push u off & it's there in the back of my mind but it's like I just can't get it to push me enough to just lose it and let go .. it's very painful man cause u also feel very insane but it's like how far do I have to go I just don't get it anymore ..