I'm at my limit with things and theres no one around to care anymore.

[Livingvsdying25]

(Cross posting? A post I made in the sanctuary lounge)

Feel like a worthless nothing (as usual) Feeling suicidal but with a very daunting reality... I am alone and I have a very hard time completely validating my existence. Which makes sense given my background but also just with naturally being human.

New COVID restrictions hit me hard. I don't enjoy just being online. I had no choice in the past bc of my own mental health. Now that its essentially forced... I have been having a hard-time... for the last fucking year...

Anyway

Trying my hand at just withdrawing from spaces.... which is fine bc I don't have much impact anywhere. It makes me feel more lonely being part of these communities in such a half way. I HATE JUST ONLINE.

I don't ever expect to find communities for suicidality that are as open as this one, in real life so. I guess it's been enough here.

My biggest presence anywhere was here anyway but... after my criticism against certain incels, No one/barly anyone interacts with my posts anymore. So... thats cool but doesn't make me feel that great.

Anyway... it's my fault that I have nothing in real life anf that my only sense of community and connection was online.


Can't explain how lifeless it makes me feel sometimes. Like one of those weird floaty advertisement things... just moving in the wind.....

Anyway, im suicidal as fuck again these days. I want/NEED to have a life outside of myself. I have lived years in survival jyst within myself.

My biggest connections was to my support workers. anyway. 2 of em, I was transitioning away from anyaay bc of location.
So, now they don't need worry about setting me up with new supports.

Anyway. I'm tryna figure out my own death. Hoping to have some kinda idea in 2 weeks or so.

Will probs just be posting here in the meantime bc... im human. Being alone has always killed me inside.

Feel free to continue to ignore. Its fine really. I'm just human so screaming/,typing into a void is better than being completely alone.. for now... i guess...

*shrugs* hate hate hate coming off as "woe is me" but thats exactly how I sound. So.

 

[blue_muse]

Well, I'm not ignoring you . Sounds like things have been building up?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Well, I'm not ignoring you . Sounds like things have been building up?

Yeah... it's so easy offline to pretend. But im so fucking alone it's killing me.

Socially.. like I don't think any of us are made for this.

Its COVID and theres this whole emphasis on checking up on the ones you love and staying somewhat connected and i have nothing genuine like that in my life.

I just want a break. I wanna go to my dad's home and fed and relax but they don't like me. I am too loud,problematic,viciously etc. I'm just a stress to them so.. but it'd spend the $25, train in a heart beat bc I don't wanna be alone right now.

Im sobbing sooo rn bc it doesn't matter how I feel. I have no one who genuinely knows me to reach out to.

 

[blue_muse]

Yeah... it's so easy offline to pretend. But im so fucking alone it's killing me.

Socially.. like I don't think any of us are made for this.

Its COVID and theres this whole emphasis on checking up on the ones you love and staying somewhat connected and i have nothing genuine like that in my life.

I just want a break. I wanna go to my dad's home and fed and relax but they don't like me. I am too loud,problematic,viciously etc. I'm just a stress to them so.. but it'd spend the $25, train in a heart beat bc I don't wanna be alone right now.

Im sobbing sooo rn bc it doesn't matter how I feel. I have no one who genuinely knows me to reach out to.

As much as MSM like to say we're in it together, Covid-19's actually driven people apart. It sucks when people make you feel like a problem, I used to get similar treatment "------- can you not act depressed" like I'm a court jester there to entertain everyone.

Not trying to sound like some pseudo-health professional; in these moments, how would you have coped before Covid-19?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

As much as MSM like to say we're in it together, Covid-19's actually driven people apart. It sucks when people make you feel like a problem, I used to get similar treatment "------- can you not act depressed" like I'm a court jester there to entertain everyone.

Not trying to sound like some pseudo-health professional; in these moments, how would you have coped before Covid-19?

Lmaoo yeah exactly. I was an inconvenience so their reactions to me freaking out about their treatment of me... is not a suprise.

And pre-pandemic I would've reached out in ways I can no longer. So, on top of the shitty pandemic... This is a time in my life to be learning all kinds of new ways to deal and all of its been shut down or out completely...

Even an option to stay somewhere that is like for these moments (crisis beds) don't exist anymore bc COVID...

So yeah I think it's truthfully a load of shit and problems with COVID limiting ny options extremely... I feel so weak and like im not trying enough but I seriously kno I am/have been...

And bringing this to my workers is useless bc I'm already doing what's avaliable. So it's my problem now to make due but I just can't much anymore.


Only other option is the hospital and I refuse for various reasons. Thats a last resort tbh. Its not for my kinda chronic issues and eother way im tryna present well on the outside so..

 

[blue_muse]

Lmaoo yeah exactly. I was an inconvenience so their reactions to me freaking out about their treatment of me... is not a suprise.

And pre-pandemic I would've reached out in ways I can no longer. So, on top of the shitty pandemic... This is a time in my life to be learning all kinds of new ways to deal and all of its been shut down or out completely...

Even an option to stay somewhere that is like for these moments (crisis beds) don't exist anymore bc COVID...

So yeah I think it's truthfully a load of shit and problems with COVID limiting ny options extremely... I feel so weak and like im not trying enough but I seriously kno I am/have been...

And bringing this to my workers is useless bc I'm already doing what's avaliable. So it's my problem now to make due but I just can't much anymore.


Only other option is the hospital and I refuse for various reasons. Thats a last resort tbh. Its not for my kinda chronic issues and eother way im tryna present well on the outside so..

You could make a to-do list, comparing what you did pre-Covid and what you can realistically do now. Hospitals can be counterproductive, I hear you on that.

With work, unless I've misunderstood, are you taking on other peoples' duties?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

You could make a to-do list, comparing what you did pre-Covid and what you can realistically do now. Hospitals can be counterproductive, I hear you on that.

With work, unless I've misunderstood, are you taking on other peoples' duties?

Thats a good suggestion thnx. And sorry by workers I meant support workers.

Tbh I don't think there's much that'll help right now so, yeah im just trying to figure out my exit.

Thanks for replying/interacting

 

[blue_muse]

Thats a good suggestion thnx. And sorry by workers I meant support workers.

Tbh I don't think there's much that'll help right now so, yeah im just trying to figure out my exit.

Thanks for replying/interacting

For a moment, thought you were a struggling company boss. There's only so much mileage someone can manage.

Whichever direction you go in, I'm here .