Hello. As I type this, I feel a heavy heart due to not getting justice and my own family discarding me and abusing me like I was nothing more than trash. It's like I only exist on this earth to be a punching bag and someone to pick on to have their laughs and feel better about themselves. Even my own wife, I feel, just married me to fulfill her fantasy of what a marriage is supposed to be, and not the reality that I am living in. No one really cares about me. Not one. I am invisible and I don't matter. I have always tried to voice out my side and how I feel but it is just brushed aside because my brother has sneakily slandered me in group chats without my knowledge (he did this back in 2016. I only found out about it in 2022) that I am just delusional and making stuff up, crazy, etc. I always wondered why people didn't believe me whenever I told my side of the story and just brushed me off, turns out this POS pre-emptively made this stuff up so no one will believe me. I live in Asia, appearances and face matters more than truth here. Being outed as having an abusive family and having a kid who was messed up due to such abuses would predictably nose-dive the "face" of the family.
If memory serves me right, my father was really brutal and very physically and mentally abusive towards me. He has banged my head on cabinet doors, punched me in the head, made me his emotional sponge by saying abusive things if he got pissed off or was frustrated at something, even smashed the guitar on my shoulder giving me tics peculiar like suddenly moving my shoulders, etc. I even get made fun of it because I suddenly twitch my shoulders unconsciously. It's like some nerve got messed up when that guitar was smashed in my shoulder. Then of course, the blatant disrespect and favoritism to my younger brother. He was always the favorite. I vividly remember switching religions and my parents giving me a hard time for it but when the same brother switched, they suddenly congratulate him because he finally "changed" for the better. They didn't give him a hard time for it. In fact, they congratulated him for finally "finding" God. And since they play favorites, my brother obviously picked up on it and he would antagonize me to no end knowing my parents will readily side with him.
Obviously, I grew fucked up and withdrawn. Then there was the matter with my friends. Since I couldn't find love and acceptance in my own household, I looked for those outside. I rarely went home now and spent most of the time with my "homies" as a way to escape. I would rarely go back in the house unless it was in the wee hours of the morning knowing that if my family sees me, I will just be picked on and ganged up on again. Unfortunately, I had a falling out with one of them. One guy in my friend group was undergoing personal hell himself and started having anger issues. It got so bad that he started having auditory hallucinations telling us that he would hear voices or a piledriver being smashed into the ground. Tried to help him get back on his feet and even tried helping him landing a job in my country. Unfortunately, he has NOT recovered during that time so he would suddenly lash out in anger and somehow took the brunt of it. I had enough and left him on his own devices. What I didn't know at that time was that he would now slander me and cancel me on social media. Claimed I borrowed money with no intention to pay them back (which is a total lie. It was the other way around. He was the parasite who constantly borrowed money without paying), that I drugged him, that I left him to die, etc. My other friends then thought it was funny to side with him and piled on as well. It got so bad that I began to break. I had no choice but to go back to my father. What did he do? Brush me off. Told me it was all in my mind, etc. Refused to help me. In fact, I saw the smirk in his face when he saw me suffering.
I began withdrawing and cooping up in my bed all day because everything was just too much to bear. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. The only saving grace was my girlfriend then wife now. I didn't end it because she was the last thread holding on to my sanity. Then I find out she cheated later because, apparently, the drama in my life was "too much". She was also brainwashed by my brother in all of this too. Anyway, found out about her cheating and we broke up. She cried and broke up with the guy she cheated with as well.
We got back together but it's obvious things have never been the same since then. I know she doesn't respect or love me as she used to and just rolls her eyes when I talk to her about something, how I feel or the plans for my family (we now have a kid). I was wondering why so I accessed her account in social media and snooped around why. Turns out she was added to the Group Chat slandering me and was totally brainwashed by my brother. This is how I found out about the behind the scenes manipulations, the lies, the pre-emptive "strike" if you will. No wonder people view me with contempt, it can be traced to that freaking Group Chat that I found. All this was happening back in 2016 mind you. Almost a decade now. My life has been spiraling out of control ever since.
I am writing this not looking for sympathy but to let something off my chest. That I be heard. That my voice matters. That I refused to be silenced .This is heavy for me and too much to bear. I just want everything to end. A decade of suffering and pain. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to fight but enough is enough. It's the end of the tunnel for me. Please just let me die.
If anyone is kind enough, please give me resources to go out painlessly. I want to die peacefully in my sleep. I deserve that at least.
If memory serves me right, my father was really brutal and very physically and mentally abusive towards me. He has banged my head on cabinet doors, punched me in the head, made me his emotional sponge by saying abusive things if he got pissed off or was frustrated at something, even smashed the guitar on my shoulder giving me tics peculiar like suddenly moving my shoulders, etc. I even get made fun of it because I suddenly twitch my shoulders unconsciously. It's like some nerve got messed up when that guitar was smashed in my shoulder. Then of course, the blatant disrespect and favoritism to my younger brother. He was always the favorite. I vividly remember switching religions and my parents giving me a hard time for it but when the same brother switched, they suddenly congratulate him because he finally "changed" for the better. They didn't give him a hard time for it. In fact, they congratulated him for finally "finding" God. And since they play favorites, my brother obviously picked up on it and he would antagonize me to no end knowing my parents will readily side with him.
Obviously, I grew fucked up and withdrawn. Then there was the matter with my friends. Since I couldn't find love and acceptance in my own household, I looked for those outside. I rarely went home now and spent most of the time with my "homies" as a way to escape. I would rarely go back in the house unless it was in the wee hours of the morning knowing that if my family sees me, I will just be picked on and ganged up on again. Unfortunately, I had a falling out with one of them. One guy in my friend group was undergoing personal hell himself and started having anger issues. It got so bad that he started having auditory hallucinations telling us that he would hear voices or a piledriver being smashed into the ground. Tried to help him get back on his feet and even tried helping him landing a job in my country. Unfortunately, he has NOT recovered during that time so he would suddenly lash out in anger and somehow took the brunt of it. I had enough and left him on his own devices. What I didn't know at that time was that he would now slander me and cancel me on social media. Claimed I borrowed money with no intention to pay them back (which is a total lie. It was the other way around. He was the parasite who constantly borrowed money without paying), that I drugged him, that I left him to die, etc. My other friends then thought it was funny to side with him and piled on as well. It got so bad that I began to break. I had no choice but to go back to my father. What did he do? Brush me off. Told me it was all in my mind, etc. Refused to help me. In fact, I saw the smirk in his face when he saw me suffering.
I began withdrawing and cooping up in my bed all day because everything was just too much to bear. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. The only saving grace was my girlfriend then wife now. I didn't end it because she was the last thread holding on to my sanity. Then I find out she cheated later because, apparently, the drama in my life was "too much". She was also brainwashed by my brother in all of this too. Anyway, found out about her cheating and we broke up. She cried and broke up with the guy she cheated with as well.
We got back together but it's obvious things have never been the same since then. I know she doesn't respect or love me as she used to and just rolls her eyes when I talk to her about something, how I feel or the plans for my family (we now have a kid). I was wondering why so I accessed her account in social media and snooped around why. Turns out she was added to the Group Chat slandering me and was totally brainwashed by my brother. This is how I found out about the behind the scenes manipulations, the lies, the pre-emptive "strike" if you will. No wonder people view me with contempt, it can be traced to that freaking Group Chat that I found. All this was happening back in 2016 mind you. Almost a decade now. My life has been spiraling out of control ever since.
I am writing this not looking for sympathy but to let something off my chest. That I be heard. That my voice matters. That I refused to be silenced .This is heavy for me and too much to bear. I just want everything to end. A decade of suffering and pain. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to fight but enough is enough. It's the end of the tunnel for me. Please just let me die.
If anyone is kind enough, please give me resources to go out painlessly. I want to die peacefully in my sleep. I deserve that at least.
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