I don't particularly want to be alive right now, nor do I deserve to be. (For background on why, see this thread: https://sanctionedsuicide.site/thre...yself-wish-i-hadnt-thrown-away-the-sn.168950/ ; tldr: I raped my wife and made a weak attempt to kill myself over it; in hindsight I wish I'd pushed through on my method or hadn't disposed of the SN after, so I could use it now)
That being said, if I must, then I'd like to be reconnecting with my dad, who is elderly and declining. My wife, before going into a mental health episode from, imo, a combination of: underlying conditions, me being a shitty husband, what I did, and then the acid on top, had actually pulled strings after my attempt to get my dad and I reconciled. And she was the most explicitly supportive of anyone of me having survived the attempt.
But my frustration with my dad has been that he can be so lazy about putting in effort to be there for me and this episode is just wild for me in terms of reinforcing that. I know he's ailing, but he ain't dead but he sure as fuck is oblivious.
He flew out here to meet her and supposedly be there for me, but in the most critical part, disposing of the SN, he just quibbled about literally every possible way to do it, even after I pointed out to him this isn't an academic exercise: we really need to just get this done. And he just went silent instead of, you know, picking among the options and taking a lead or making any suggestion on his own.
So honestly more out of frustration than anything I just threw it away when I wasn't with him to be done with it. Because like an idiot I didn't just put it in storage. I really wish I had because I'd love a quick drink or two of that right now.
And when I tried to explain afterwards how much it hurt that he couldn't get over his quibbling to actually help me, he still couldn't really get it.
And now I'm supposed to be heading back to see this family supposed so glad I didn't do it...and of course he's just not available at all this week. Not because he's busy. But because his wife is, in the evenings. So it's not a good week for me to visit.
Nah, yeah, it's cool guys. I'm just limping home half-dead and wanting to kill myself. Don't mind me. I'll wait until it's a more convenient time for you to hang out.
My wife's wife said I should kill myself and that my own family doesn't want to save me. I firmly agree with her.
That being said, if I must, then I'd like to be reconnecting with my dad, who is elderly and declining. My wife, before going into a mental health episode from, imo, a combination of: underlying conditions, me being a shitty husband, what I did, and then the acid on top, had actually pulled strings after my attempt to get my dad and I reconciled. And she was the most explicitly supportive of anyone of me having survived the attempt.
But my frustration with my dad has been that he can be so lazy about putting in effort to be there for me and this episode is just wild for me in terms of reinforcing that. I know he's ailing, but he ain't dead but he sure as fuck is oblivious.
He flew out here to meet her and supposedly be there for me, but in the most critical part, disposing of the SN, he just quibbled about literally every possible way to do it, even after I pointed out to him this isn't an academic exercise: we really need to just get this done. And he just went silent instead of, you know, picking among the options and taking a lead or making any suggestion on his own.
So honestly more out of frustration than anything I just threw it away when I wasn't with him to be done with it. Because like an idiot I didn't just put it in storage. I really wish I had because I'd love a quick drink or two of that right now.
And when I tried to explain afterwards how much it hurt that he couldn't get over his quibbling to actually help me, he still couldn't really get it.
And now I'm supposed to be heading back to see this family supposed so glad I didn't do it...and of course he's just not available at all this week. Not because he's busy. But because his wife is, in the evenings. So it's not a good week for me to visit.
Nah, yeah, it's cool guys. I'm just limping home half-dead and wanting to kill myself. Don't mind me. I'll wait until it's a more convenient time for you to hang out.
My wife's wife said I should kill myself and that my own family doesn't want to save me. I firmly agree with her.
