Venting I'm almost ready to go

[Spyro24]

Just joined this forum because it finally seems like I found a place where I can discuss suicide without being judged. Yay!

I used to get bullied a lot in high school and it turned a very social boy into a very depressed and anxious man. I'm now 22 and I feel like I'm almost ready to ctb. I'm finally okay with the fact that no one wants me and that if I were to continue living, I would be all alone forever. I've got no one to talk to that understands my feelings and the people that do talk to me just do it because they feel bad. Until they realise how many problems I have, then they leave. Or they end up using me as a tool. I've never felt more worthless and pathetic.

I tried to get help but it seems like no one can help me. Even my therapist let out a large sigh when she had the complete story and I can tell she knows there is not much she can do. My doctor seems to be the only one that slightly cares but he has no clue what the pills he prescribes actually do. The only option my doctor has left is to send me to a psych ward and lock me in a cage. There are no more pills to try. And my parents? They say they care but I can just see it in their eyes that they're disappointed in me.

It pisses me off that there's no easy and humane way out for people like me, at least in a lot of countries. My depression hurts, it really fucking hurts. Although it isn't physical pain, it is by far the absolute worst pain I've ever had to endure. My fear of death and dying has been decreasing for a while now and I feel like I'm almost ready to go.

As for the method? I've decided to try SN. No suicide method is painless but hey, it can't be worse than the pain I'm in now. It seems easy enough and I totally don't have the energy to try anything more complex. A gun would also be easy but I live in Belgium and getting my hands on one would be very difficult.

The only thing left for me to do, is to find some SN and pick a date. This is surprisingly difficult since everyone seems to be catching on to how 'dangerous' it is. All because suicide is frowned upon and we would rather have people suffer endlessly or die in a brutal way that will negatively impact a lot of people. My suicide notes are ready to be sent including one to the girl I have a massive crush on. Although I believe she too is only talking to me because she feels bad.

I can't promise I'll actually go through with it after I get the SN but knowing the solution to all of my problems is just mere feet away, is very comforting. I hope I do get the balls to do it one day. All it takes is a few seconds of courage and the job is done.

 

[hush hush]

Just joined this forum because it finally seems like I found a place where I can discuss suicide without being judged. Yay!

I used to get bullied a lot in high school and it turned a very social boy into a very depressed and anxious man. I'm now 22 and I feel like I'm almost ready to ctb. I'm finally okay with the fact that no one wants me and that if I were to continue living, I would be all alone forever. I've got no one to talk to that understands my feelings and the people that do talk to me just do it because they feel bad. Until they realise how many problems I have, then they leave. Or they end up using me as a tool. I've never felt more worthless and pathetic.

I tried to get help but it seems like no one can help me. Even my therapist let out a large sigh when she had the complete story and I can tell she knows there is not much she can do. My doctor seems to be the only one that slightly cares but he has no clue what the pills he prescribes actually do. The only option my doctor has left is to send me to a psych ward and lock me in a cage. There are no more pills to try. And my parents? They say they care but I can just see it in their eyes that they're disappointed in me.

It pisses me off that there's no easy and humane way out for people like me, at least in a lot of countries. My depression hurts, it really fucking hurts. Although it isn't physical pain, it is by far the absolute worst pain I've ever had to endure. My fear of death and dying has been decreasing for a while now and I feel like I'm almost ready to go.

As for the method? I've decided to try SN. No suicide method is painless but hey, it can't be worse than the pain I'm in now. It seems easy enough and I totally don't have the energy to try anything more complex. A gun would also be easy but I live in Belgium and getting my hands on one would be very difficult.

The only thing left for me to do, is to find some SN and pick a date. This is surprisingly difficult since everyone seems to be catching on to how 'dangerous' it is. All because suicide is frowned upon and we would rather have people suffer endlessly or die in a brutal way that will negatively impact a lot of people. My suicide notes are ready to be sent including one to the girl I have a massive crush on. Although I believe she too is only talking to me because she feels bad.

I can't promise I'll actually go through with it after I get the SN but knowing the solution to all of my problems is just mere feet away, is very comforting. I hope I do get the balls to do it one day. All it takes is a few seconds of courage and the job is done.

Can you apply for assisted suicide/euthanasia in Belgium? I know there are many procedural hurdles, but it is an option worthy of trying.

 

[biboty]

looks like you can mature this ctb idea. I'm looking for the best method anyway

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that we all deserve the option of a peaceful exit and I wish that we lived in a world where our right to die is respected. None of us asked for this life in the first place and we will all die eventually someday, so to me it is unfair to try and force people to live. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. Some people really are so cruel and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything feels so hopeless. I understand why you would be so relieved at the thought of having the SN. I hope that you find relief from pain in whatever happens.

 

[Spyro24]

Can you apply for assisted suicide/euthanasia in Belgium? I know there are many procedural hurdles, but it is an option worthy of trying.

Seems like this might be available although very complicated. If I'm being honest, I do not have the energy anymore to try this nor fight with family over it. I'd rather take full control over it myself. Maybe this sounds selfish but I'm tired of suffering. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. It's like a terminally ill patient refusing treatment, at some point enough is enough.

I do think that we all deserve the option of a peaceful exit and I wish that we lived in a world where our right to die is respected. None of us asked for this life in the first place and we will all die eventually someday, so to me it is unfair to try and force people to live. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. Some people really are so cruel and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything feels so hopeless. I understand why you would be so relieved at the thought of having the SN. I hope that you find relief from pain in whatever happens.

I hope so too. Life can be incredibly unfair. If I had the option to give my life to an innocent person that lost theirs in an unfortunate event, I would do so immediately. Someone else can make better use of it.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

I don't understand why mothers can abort babies safely and legally (Not saying it's a good thing either, it's sad),but we can't rid of ourselves of the same manner. Like a suicide center where we can fill out a will, take care of end of life matters and be put down. The older I get the more I just hate being alive. Life isn't a gift, but a flesh prison filled with grief, pain, sadness, sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak and loneliness. Too much of a coward to ctb then again I have always been a coward to all things. No self esteem or worth. I just want to be done. Just awaiting for my vital signs to finally cease.

 

[Spyro24]

I don't understand why mothers can abort babies safely and legally (Not saying it's a good thing either, it's sad),but we can't rid of ourselves of the same manner. Like a suicide center where we can fill out a will, take care of end of life matters and be put down. The older I get the more I just hate being alive. Life isn't a gift, but a flesh prison filled with grief, pain, sadness, sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak and loneliness. Too much of a coward to ctb then again I have always been a coward to all things. No self esteem or worth. I just want to be done. Just awaiting for my vital signs to finally cease.

I feel you. I never wanted to be born so I should have the right to undo that. I do believe that a lot of people can be helped but just like you and me, that isn't for everyone. For people like us, at least let us die with dignity...

It's totally okay to fear the end and no one here is going to judge you for it. Hell, it took me a long time to even make the decision to write this post. Your brain tries its best to prevent you from ctb but it does not prevent you from planning it. You can make your plans, no rush and you always have the option to back out. All it takes to execute your plan is mere seconds of confidence.

A lot of people are scared of death and dying but we also deserve to have our peace.

 

[DerTod]

You said you have many problems and when people find out about them they leave. Would you care to share what those problems are? Only if you are comfortable.

 

[Spyro24]

You said you have many problems and when people find out about them they leave. Would you care to share what those problems are? Only if you are comfortable.

Sure, I'll give you an example. I'm trying to talk to a girl I like but my anxiety destroys my ability to communicate properly. I hit up a friend on Discord to see if he can help me out and they do initially. When things don't go right I start to drag myself down in my conversations with my friend, talking about how pathetic I am, how worthless I am and how no one will ever want me. This can repeat itself many times. They eventually just get tired and annoyed or creeped out and stop talking to me altogether. I hate myself for bothering other people with my problems and it feels like I destroy every person I come in contact with.

This situation is partially true. In fact, I'm in the middle of it right now. I fucking love this girl. She understands me and has depression herself. I just can't communicate with her properly. My friend in this case is still talking to me but I can tell that hes going to leave soon.

 

[DerTod]

Sure, I'll give you an example. I'm trying to talk to a girl I like but my anxiety destroys my ability to communicate properly. I hit up a friend on Discord to see if he can help me out and they do initially. When things don't go right I start to drag myself down in my conversations with my friend, talking about how pathetic I am, how worthless I am and how no one will ever want me. This can repeat itself many times. They eventually just get tired and annoyed or creeped out and stop talking to me altogether. I hate myself for bothering other people with my problems and it feels like I destroy every person I come in contact with.

This situation is partially true. In fact, I'm in the middle of it right now. I fucking love this girl. She understands me and has depression herself. I just can't communicate with her properly. My friend in this case is still talking to me but I can tell that hes going to leave soon.

Is the girl you love aware that you are into her? It looks like you have severe social anxiety indeed. I hope i'm not intrusive, but did you try some medication for anxiety? Some of them can cut this obsessive and eroding thoughts of worthlessness that you experience now.
What if you just write to your girl that she means a lot to you and explain to her your anxiety? Since she is depressed as well,she might understand you. Writing could sometimes help if you can't find your words to tell her face to face.
You are not worthless. It's just that in your mind this thought is magnified and constantly digs into you. Hence why you try to get it out to your friend and have the feeling that you bore him or other people in your life.

 

[Spyro24]

Is the girl you love aware that you are into her? It looks like you have severe social anxiety indeed. I hope i'm not intrusive, but did you try some medication for anxiety? Some of them can cut this obsessive and eroding thoughts of worthlessness that you experience now.
What if you just write to your girl that she means a lot to you and explain to her your anxiety? Since she is depressed as well,she might understand you. Writing could sometimes help if you can't find your words to tell her face to face.
You are not worthless. It's just that in your mind this thought is magnified and constantly digs into you. Hence why you try to get it out to your friend and have the feeling that you bore him or other people in your life.

I know I'm not worthless. I just can't get my subconscious to actually believe it. I'm currently taking Cymbalta for depression but I don't feel like bothering my doctor with another problem since I've been over there at least every week for the past few months.

I'm pretty sure she knows I'm into her. I started talking to her a few weeks ago but I made the mistake of telling her I really liked her just a few days after meeting her. She started talking to me again out of the blue and we've been talking for about a week now. I've been trying to take it slow but I still have the urge to tell her how much I love her.

I am unable to judge if she is into me or even open to a relationship. I already know this is going to end in an absolute disaster. Me eventually creeping her out, her trying to get away from me and the cycle repeats. I can't even remember the amount of girls I fucked up with because I do the same thing every single time.

She has her own problems but that makes her just so much more appealing. I could talk about her for hours. I would do everything for her. She's special and she's beautiful but her appearance isn't what I love. Her personality is what I am after. I dream about her and me being a team, cooking together, laughing together, fighting life together and so much more. For now my dream lasts until I inevitably tell her I love her and it all ends.

 

[DerTod]

Can't you change the doctor if you have this feeling that you bother her? Though i'm sure that rationally you know that it's all in your mind due to your anxiety. Might need an extra anxiolytic along with Cymbalta. I'm also on a SNRI ( Venlafaxine) and i take Gabapentine on top of that for anxiety.
Now about your girl: Big mistake to tell her right away that you love her. I did the same mistake as well with the only man i ever truly wanted. He got creeped and pushed me away. So...refrain. Why tell her you love her when you could show her through small gestures? It takes time to develop and that's the beauty of it.No need to rush especially since she is depressed. She most likely has her fears as well and when you come off fast with big gestures all you do is to scare her. Have you thought of the possibility that she might not be prepared for a relationship since she's depressed? That's why it's best to take it nice and easy like a friendship. Once you stabilize yourself on a good treatment it should be a little easier for you to refrain from getting clingy.
I know you wanna get to this part because you feel so so lonely: "I dream about her and me being a team, cooking together, laughing together, fighting life together and so much more." But best is to develop a strong friendship with her and not push. Listen to her very carefully and find out(subtly) what she enjoys then surprise her by doing something she likes or offering her something she mentioned. You'll see that you'll like it once you give it a try. You get a lot more reward by being subtle and patient than "consuming" it all quickly. I believe it would be unfortunate to die now without giving this a fair shot. You are only 22. This is your change to get out all your creativity and if you feel you don't have any,well you'll discover that you have. You can Pm me if you need an advice regarding what to do with her or just wanna get something off your chest. Alternatively there is "Recovery" section where you can ask for advice. Love is worth it!

 

[Spyro24]

Can't you change the doctor if you have this feeling that you bother her? Though i'm sure that rationally you know that it's all in your mind due to your anxiety. Might need an extra anxiolytic along with Cymbalta. I'm also on a SNRI ( Venlafaxine) and i take Gabapentine on top of that for anxiety.
Now about your girl: Big mistake to tell her right away that you love her. I did the same mistake as well with the only man i ever truly wanted. He got creeped and pushed me away. So...refrain. Why tell her you love her when you could show her through small gestures? It takes time to develop and that's the beauty of it.No need to rush especially since she is depressed. She most likely has her fears as well and when you come off fast with big gestures all you do is to scare her. Have you thought of the possibility that she might not be prepared for a relationship since she's depressed? That's why it's best to take it nice and easy like a friendship. Once you stabilize yourself on a good treatment it should be a little easier for you to refrain from getting clingy.
I know you wanna get to this part because you feel so so lonely: "I dream about her and me being a team, cooking together, laughing together, fighting life together and so much more." But best is to develop a strong friendship with her and not push. Listen to her very carefully and find out(subtly) what she enjoys then surprise her by doing something she likes or offering her something she mentioned. You'll see that you'll like it once you give it a try. You get a lot more reward by being subtle and patient than "consuming" it all quickly. I believe it would be unfortunate to die now without giving this a fair shot. You are only 22. This is your change to get out all your creativity and if you feel you don't have any,well you'll discover that you have. You can Pm me if you need an advice regarding what to do with her or just wanna get something off your chest. Alternatively there is "Recovery" section where you can ask for advice. Love is worth it!

I'm giving it all I've got. I know love is worth it, I just haven't been getting any for at least 10 years. I've gotten hurt at least 20 times at this point either because of a mistake I made or because the other person was just purely awful. Every time I get hurt, it takes longer to recover. The last time it took well over a year.

The only reason I'm holding on is because of her. She brings some positivity into my life and I never want to go back to what it was like before. My SN is on the way and it comforts me to know that I have a way out should things go horribly wrong.

It also comforts me to know that you are here for me. You might get a PM from me soon.

 

[deathbecomesus]

You are one year younger than me. I feel so much of your pain. I was bullied a lot in high school too. I ended up becoming a bitter, nasty person due to my abuse and trauma. I ended up hurting the feelings of people I care deeply about. And in return, I got hurt in the worst ways imaginable. It's like a cycle. Damaged people damage people. And the world is so cruel and heartless. My parents are the same way as yours. Very cold and dismissive. I wish euthanasia was legalized as well. I'd be able to come to this conclusion with the support of others. I could prepare, say my goodbyes, and be somewhere safe and secure surrounded by family. Everyone would likely understand why I came to the decision.

It is against my morals to push you towards one way or another. It would also be a hypocrite for me to talk anyone out of it. I just hope you find peace. We all deserve it.