Method I'm all alone in life. Im tired of this cycle. Im ending it this week.

[Livingvsdying25]

I am going to be getting another alpha blocker(?) Basically a medication that lowers blood pressure.

Currently Im on prazosin. Dextroamphetamine. Buspirone. Gabapentin. Klonopin

Yesterday I took extra of my prazosin and felt my breathe get lighter but heavy?

I would love to / am trying to this week findnthe right cocktail. Dextro aint shit in regards to dying and honestly wouldn't bother trying.

I feel like if I starve out enough and combine the alpha blockers with the other downers and maybe alcohol and maybe something else I can possibly die.

(Can you tell how desperate I am? Ik medication have an extremely low death rate.)

I'm just so fed up. Im tired of going through the cycle of suicidal and then "ok enough"

Yesterday was a holiday and I was feeling so suicidal and awful and relaized how alone I am bc I have no one to call or talk to. Bc the only people I have to talk to in my life are mental health support workers. They obv don't work on holiday's.

Yeah... I'm alone in life. Putting in all this effort to find a part time job to have more funds to take car eof myself and go out and start a life. But whats the fucking point?

Treated like a garbage nothing all my fucking life. Have to move 6 fucking hrs away for my so called family (Dad and brother) to treat me decently and EVEN THEN Its still a work in progress.

Like WHAT THE FUCK? Im done with them. It shouldn't be a fucking work in progress to treat me properly. To care for me properly. Should be a fucking given AT LEAST FOR MY FAMILY. ( I no longer talk to my mother bc if u read my post history you'll kno. Shes an abusive cunt.)


I don't trust myself to not get caught back into trying again to buy N (bc I'd have to use all my money for the month and then be fucked over if I can't)

SN I know id gag hard but feeling like I don't care / senses are numbed bc of my mood so maybe I dunno

Gonna be searching around this week for the right cocktail. Nothing too expensive and hopefully not too hard to find but I can wait...im just done trying. I am alone. I shall be isolated. And blah blah blah.

 

[Somber]

If this forum is evidence of anything, it's that you aren't alone in your isolation. You still have options as your parents and siblings are still alive. If there is any chance of mending relationships with them, please do. Even if it's the last thing you ever do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through all this pain. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Oop actually y'all upon further thought...

Im getting some extra $$ from taxes And there my tax return. Im buying N.

I've had enough of the struggle to find a method or not having enough $$$ for the easier one. Plus I imagine ill struggle/wanna take some time to like think before I end it even with the method bought.

Owhh im excited now. I'm gonna enjoy shit that I can alone. Like doing makeup and cooking shit I haven't before. Wearing more androgynous clothes.. play my guitars. Drink wine coolers and wine to my hearts content. Eat whatever the fuck I want maybe get fat as fuck (I have an ED and also love all body types just hate mine)

I find it HILARIOUS how people would look at that lost and think "oh those are things to live for" HAHAHA no. I've been abused my whole fucking life. Assaulted in everyway possible. I'm done. This world is rotten. My life is literally just a fight against the shit. I don't want to fight.

I feel some peace now.
This is now a discussion post.

What things should I do before I die/ things you've thought of doing before going?

If this forum is evidence of anything, it's that you aren't alone in your isolation. You still have options as your parents and siblings are still alive. If there is any chance of mending relationships with them, please do. Even if it's the last thing you ever do.

Ik you wrote this in good faith so I'm going to reply with that in mind and plz lemme kno if it comes off abrasive.

My whole family are assholes and have treated me like dirt my whole life and even worse when I was struggling. Been the scapegoat my whole life.


I've been tryna mend the relationship with my father and brother and it finally hit me that they have no idea how to treat me decently. Its like holding their hand through it. So they still constantly hurt me.

They are not worth living for. I have a lot of things in life and I can't constantly be wasting energy showing my family how to treat me like 20% decently.


This website is a big thing that makes me feel not alone but its also a website. I need organic people that can like be here in person and in general Kinda thing to actually feel not alone tho

 

[Somber]

I'm not saying you should live for your parents or siblings or anyone for that matter (except maybe your children, if you have those), as that would only make you resent them.

But if they don't know how to treat you correctly, how can you blame them for not doing so? Maybe they are doing the best they can, as inadequate as that might seem to you, or as inadequate as it is.

I don't know your personal situation, but I know I wouldn't want to die that way. Carrying through with suicide plans with outstanding issues seems a lot more anxiety inducing than doing so with a sense of closure.

 

[S like suicide]

relaized how alone I am bc I have no one to call or talk to.

Yes...me too:(