Venting im alive but not really

[lady sea]

Yes, I am alive. I know I am alive. But then why doesn't it feel like it? I am here. Yet somehow it feels like i'm elsewhere. I am here physically, I am living my day to day life. Yet it feels like i'm not the one in control. It feels like I am just watching someone else live their life. I don't want to continue like this. I want peace but peace isn't here. So where is peace? The afterlife? Maybe. Here's the catch though: in order to actually see if the afterlife is peace, I have to go there. But if I go there, there is no coming back. Ever. I am not afraid of death. I am afraid of it not being what I want. What if I regret it? Either way, I know for sure here is not where I want to be. So maybe I should catch the bus to the afterlife of absolute nothing. Thoughts?

 

[ecmnesia]

same. I feel like I just don't belong.


you can either stick around and try aiming for different paths or catch the bus. there is no way to know, tho, unless you experience it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I feel like I'm watching my life on a screen so I can see everything and know what's happening, but it doesn't feel like I'm actually in control of it. I know what thoughts are behind what actions and what I want, but I feel like more of a spectator than a person.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Same. I'm just going through the motions with absolutely no feeling. I don't know what's after this. But I hope it's peaceful. I need whatever mercy to be bestowed upon me for this suffering I've been dealt. What scares me is that what if it's just going to be more of the same? What if there is no relief? Like this is it? You can only die once. Am I going to put my family and friends through that for nothing?

I hope not. I really hope not. I can't do this forever. Please don't let it be this bad forever.

As for when and if you should CTB, that's entirely up to you. You are the decider of your fate, as we all are. I sincerely hope you find peace in your journey.

 

[greebo6]

I have always thought 'living' is not the same as 'existing'. To live is to want to be alive , actually feel it and enjoy it but to just exist is simply to be here not through choice and with no joy.
Its sad when someone has to be the latter rather than the former.