Venting im afraid of my friend

[cultpup]

a while back a friend and i got into a kinda spat i guess because i was asking when we could hang out more often or for longer, and he kept accusing me of disliking his partner because he was spending time with her instead. it's ok to spend time with your partner, and it's completely reasonable for her to be a priority over anyone including me, who he says is his best friend, but i was trying to communicate that i was missing him lately and it sucked to feel abandoned every time his partner got back online. obviously i will always be second choice to his partner, but it hurts to see it so obviously laid out that he'd much rather be around her than continue to spend time with me even when we haven't hung out much. i really am trying hard to not be obsessive with him or his time. BPD makes it strange and difficult to have close friendships so im trying to talk to him any time i'm feeling off so we can work on it before it gets at all bad. but it was really hurtful to be attacked so quickly and accused of hating someone who i'm chill with, and our arguments always end in me submitting with an apology that he doesn't reply to.

then, today, he messages me and says "sorry for getting frustrated" but not at all acknowledging how hurtful he was or has been. he's not a bad person and i know he's not trying to hurt me, and that a lot of the hurt he does is out of ignorance, but i'm growing to be terrified of him. i'm afraid of when next we'll argue over something stupid and he'll hurt me and i'll apologize. i don't even know what i'm apologizing for anymore. starting it? bringing it up? showing emotions? not showing emotions? misunderstanding it and being stupid ??

i care about him and i know he's not trying to be malicious but it sucks so fucking badly to feel so afraid of him. i dont even want to consider myself friends with him anymore, i don't want to be around him, i'm scared he'll hurt me again. i dont want to be around him or talk to him i want to emotionally detach from him so it cant happen again. i want to stop talking to him so it cant happen again. and it's not like he ever gives a satisfying apology, he never acknowledges that he's hurt me or what happened he just says "sorry i got mad" and that's the end of it. and even then i still feel disgusting even wanting an apology. what if i'm still actually the one who fucked up? given that i'm so ill and all i don't even always know if i'm meant to trust my own judgement. because sometimes my judgement from one moment changes dramatically in a few minutes, and hell knows how reliable that makes me, right? i feel really sick about it. i just want to curl up forever. im so sick of caring about people or having friends. im just so sick.

 

[Chili]

This is very relatable; I'm sorry you're going through it. Honestly, you can be someone's partner and a good friend. You can put your partner first AND spend time with your friend, and I hope you can find someone who appreciates you and can own up to their mistakes. I do think you'd probably benefit from detaching from him, but damn, does it hurt to lose a friend. I don't understand the full situation because I wasn't there, but it doesn't sound like he takes you seriously.

One day they're going to look back and wish they had you as a friend again because it's hard to find people who really care about you :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, this is something that has happened with me and a female best friend- we barely talk at all now she has a partner and child. I've known it happen to an even more extreme degree with a couple of guys. One almost entirely shut his family off. The other made it clear to his Mum that his girlfriend was his priority now.

It's shitty- I agree but, it tends to happen with some people. It did really hurt when I lost my best friend but I've kind of accepted it now. I've also got to the point where I don't even want to see them or other people.

Regarding your situation though. When you say you're afraid of him- isn't it that you're afraid of his reaction when you say a particular thing to him? I get it that you want to be open with him. You want to express how you feel so that it doesn't fester and get worse. Still- I think you may have to accept that- that kind of talk is going to trigger him. He may not be willing to make the adjustment. In which case- you might have to. Maybe it does mean a shift in your relationship and maybe you're not willing to bother with that but- it may be that he becomes more of a 'fair weather friend' for now.

There might be stuff it's just better to bite your tongue over- if it leads into an argument. It does sadly mean that the relationship won't be as close and open as it was before but the way I see it- you've got three choices: Continue the way you are and put up with the agression you get when you express certain things; attempt to make him see it from your point of view so that he listens without getting angry- presumably you've tried this though and he won't change; or, change the way you talk to him. Avoid the subjects you realise are going to provoke that reaction. It's horrible to do but accept that the relationship dynamic has changed. His priorities lie elsewhere now. He'll likely still be there for you but- only up to an extent. He doesn't sound like he wants to be pushed for more.

I can't remember what it was now but I remember once, my friend came out and said her partner was now her best friend. It hurt but of course- she was right. I realised that my neediness wasn't welcome now. I couldn't rely on her. Doesn't matter how needy she was in the past or, continued to be. It made it clear to me I needed to take a step back- for my own sake. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can find a way to still be friends with this guy but avoid the arguments.