Venting I'm afraid I'm irremediably evil

[antonio_188]

I'm not sure how to go about it, but pretty much what the title says.

I'm scared I might be evil. All the people who hurt me mentioned doing so because of me, always. I was called manipulative, insane, evil, untrustworthy, self-important, entitled and I think I might be? What if I'm just so manipulative I manipulated myself into believing I was a good person? I know I try to do good, and I know I try to show others kindness but sometimes I just don't want to be kind, and I feel so fucking disgusting. If I was really a good person, I should always want to be kind, my friends are kind and when they're not, it's not out of a desire not to be, but me? I have malicious intentions sometimes, and I try my best to not act out on them but eventually I need to get them out and I thought that was normal but everyone keeps telling me it's not.

I need my monthly "petty day" (basically just a day every month where I let myself just kind of do whatever) to function properly the rest of the time, and I'm so foul I somehow thought that this was normal, and a harmless idea. I think it was, at one point, maybe, but I'm not even sure. The idea was that, having a singular day a month would force me to think twice about what I actually wanted to do and what I could feel good without. For instance, if I had an argument on any other day, it would force me to think twice before saying anything potentially harmful, and instead I'd just write down what I wanted to say, and then look back on it on my "petty day". A lot of the time, this actually works, as most my anger is gone by the time I get to my petty day, so really all I do is rewrite my impulsive, wrath filled messages to instead explain why I reacted the way I did, why I was hurt and so on. I'm autistic, so it often takes me the day because I have to do quite a lot of introspection and it's not always easy for me, but it makes me feel better. I rarely ever send those messages, I just keep them to myself unless it becomes too much, in which case I send them (never on the day they were written tho, I always wait a month or so) and then try to move on.

I genuinely thought this was a good compromise, because I get to get things out of my system and I don't hurt people on other days, but I was called a monster over it three times now, by three different people, and I can't keep ignoring it. If even what I think is good is evil, how messed up do I have to be? I genuinely thought this was harmless, and still now I don't understand... I hate myself for not understanding. I should understand. I should understand what makes this twisted and hurtful, and I don't. I sincerely don't. I'm aware I'm not perfect, but I at least hoped this would be a good option for everyone and I hate that it's not. I hate that I can't see why it's not. I'm scared I'm just so vile I don't see how this could hurt. I just want to be a good person...

 

[lizzywizzy09]

It sounds like you're like me and were gaslit into thinking everything is your fault and that you're a terrible person. The autism makes you sensitive to that kind of criticism and you take it to heart. At least that's what happened with me. I hope I'm not projecting but the fact that you seem to want to be a good person and try to be shows you're not "evil". If anyone is making you feel that way, they're not good for you and you should steer clear.

 

[antonio_188]

It sounds like you're like me and were gaslit into thinking everything is your fault and that you're a terrible person. The autism makes you sensitive to that kind of criticism and you take it to heart. At least that's what happened with me. I hope I'm not projecting but the fact that you seem to want to be a good person and try to be shows you're not "evil". If anyone is making you feel that way, they're not good for you and you should steer clear.

I'm not exactly sure this is gaslighting, as this seems to be the general opinion of me, and the only people who seem to actively disagree are the ones closest to me. I only sent one of those people a "petty day" message once, and while the rest know about my habit and have read and even helped me correct the spelling for some of those messages, they were never directly concerned. As for my best friend (the one person who received a petty day message and still cares about me), I genuinely believe she's some sort of angel. She's the best thing in my life, I love her so much, but I also know I hurt her more than once, even if unintentionally, and I feel stuck because if I leave her or distance myself, she's going to be hurt, if I don't, I might harm her and I could never forgive myself if I did...

 

[lovedread]

I'm not sure how to go about it, but pretty much what the title says.

I'm scared I might be evil. All the people who hurt me mentioned doing so because of me, always. I was called manipulative, insane, evil, untrustworthy, self-important, entitled and I think I might be? What if I'm just so manipulative I manipulated myself into believing I was a good person? I know I try to do good, and I know I try to show others kindness but sometimes I just don't want to be kind, and I feel so fucking disgusting. If I was really a good person, I should always want to be kind, my friends are kind and when they're not, it's not out of a desire not to be, but me? I have malicious intentions sometimes, and I try my best to not act out on them but eventually I need to get them out and I thought that was normal but everyone keeps telling me it's not.

I need my monthly "petty day" (basically just a day every month where I let myself just kind of do whatever) to function properly the rest of the time, and I'm so foul I somehow thought that this was normal, and a harmless idea. I think it was, at one point, maybe, but I'm not even sure. The idea was that, having a singular day a month would force me to think twice about what I actually wanted to do and what I could feel good without. For instance, if I had an argument on any other day, it would force me to think twice before saying anything potentially harmful, and instead I'd just write down what I wanted to say, and then look back on it on my "petty day". A lot of the time, this actually works, as most my anger is gone by the time I get to my petty day, so really all I do is rewrite my impulsive, wrath filled messages to instead explain why I reacted the way I did, why I was hurt and so on. I'm autistic, so it often takes me the day because I have to do quite a lot of introspection and it's not always easy for me, but it makes me feel better. I rarely ever send those messages, I just keep them to myself unless it becomes too much, in which case I send them (never on the day they were written tho, I always wait a month or so) and then try to move on.

I genuinely thought this was a good compromise, because I get to get things out of my system and I don't hurt people on other days, but I was called a monster over it three times now, by three different people, and I can't keep ignoring it. If even what I think is good is evil, how messed up do I have to be? I genuinely thought this was harmless, and still now I don't understand... I hate myself for not understanding. I should understand. I should understand what makes this twisted and hurtful, and I don't. I sincerely don't. I'm aware I'm not perfect, but I at least hoped this would be a good option for everyone and I hate that it's not. I hate that I can't see why it's not. I'm scared I'm just so vile I don't see how this could hurt. I just want to be a good person...

I relate to this post a lot.

I think a big thing is that okay so, u thought in the past tht this outlet for your anger was a healthy compromise…ur now realizing that okay, so while yes its a compromise, it still isnt healthy and basically harms others.

I think its good now that you have some awareness bc now it means you can make s changes to maybe find a better outlet for your anger, and maybe think why you have that suppressed anger building up in the first place. Maybe its coz ur dettached or maybe its learnt behavior from childhood etc.

I said i relate to this bc i was engaging in behavior b4 that was pretty manipulative and shtty but bc it was "better" than what i actually wanted to do i just let myseLf. Idk sorry for rambling ur post just reminded me of that. Basically im saying youre aware now so u can adjust.

 

[MarkSmith73]

If you're concerned or afraid about being evil then you aren't. True evil sociopaths have zero remorse for anything.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Any chance you might have a Cluster B personality disorder? You're certainly not a sociopath as those people are incapable of feeling empathy, guilt, or any other genuine emotions. Whereas people with certain disorders like BPD feel overwhelmed by their emotions, have trouble regulating them, and often hurt others without truly meaning to.

 

[antonio_188]

Any chance you might have a Cluster B personality disorder? You're certainly not a sociopath as those people are incapable of feeling empathy, guilt, or any other genuine emotions. Whereas people with certain disorders like BPD feel overwhelmed by their emotions, have trouble regulating them, and often hurt others without truly meaning to.

I myself don't (my mom and sister have BPD tho), but I'm autistic and clinically depressed. I got my diagnosis 7+ years ago now. At the time, it was a relief because people weren't expecting me to read into social clues so much, and there was a quite noticeable improvement, but I know that, since I improved myself social wise thanks to the help I received, a few people forgot I needed help to begin with and it got worse. That's one of the reasons I feel so upset all the time, but being upset doesn't excuse anything, I shouldn't have to use outlets like that to feel better, but when I don't I just end up exploding and it's so much worse?

I don't want to hurt people on petty days, that is not the point, the point is to have an outlet, but I do, and I don't understand why, or what it is I say that hurts them because my texts are just my own feelings written down, and if I send them it's at least a month after the initial situation, but my feelings and views hurt people, always... They hurt people if I take time to word them in the most sensible way I can, they hurt people if I word them on the spot, they hurt people if I stay silent, no matter what I do, everyone is hurt.

I'd share my last petty day text here, but I'm scared someone I know might use the site and recognize it, but those texts aren't worded harshly and they are checked not only by me, but also by friends I trust, so I really don't understand why they keep hurting people. Only explanation would be that there is something inherently wrong with me and that I'm so deep in it I can't even see what is wrong, and it terrifies me.

 

[ARW3N]

I think it's definitely the other way around. It's others who are manipulative and toxic. They want to force their own agendas on you and when they can't, they turn toxic.