Venting im afraid BPD will ruin my happy relationship

[wetcigarette]

(warning: this post is coming from the perspective of someone who has never been official diagnosed with BPD (i don't believe in modern therapy) but aligns very strongly with the symptoms.

i feel like this is the only place I can post this without being judged. I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now, and so far he fits every box of my "dream boyfriend." i love him a lot (maybe too much) and I know he loves me too but everyday I get more terrified of the thought that my mental problems and trauma will end up pushing him away. Like, one day I'll end up saying something just too far gone and he'll leave, because that's "just too much to handle." this anxiety turns into paranoia, and my paranoia turns into rage directed at him (despite him never being in the wrong, we've never even argued before) and when I calm down from an episode, I feel so, so guilty. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve someone as broken and angry as me. im currently leaving him on delivered because im still reeling from the shame of the last outburst. does anyone else have this problem in their relationship (or previous ones?) I hope I'm not the only one going through this.

 

[woh6]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of anxiety and insecurity in your relationship due to your mental health problems. It's important to remember that you are not alone in feeling this way, and many people struggle with similar fears and challenges in their relationships.

Communication is key in any relationship. You're aware of your bpd symptoms, and being self aware is always a good start. Talk to your bf about your concerns and fears. Share with him what you're going through, and allow him the opportunity to understand and support you. It's possible that he may be more understanding and accepting than you think. Let him know that you're aware of the struggles, and want to improve it for the both of you. Ask him if he has any concerns, and what you could do to help him with that.

I also withdrew a lot from my previous relationship. Whenever I had an episode, I wouldn't talk to him at all, and in general I didn't share enough with him. He voiced his concerns to me and we agreed that I'd let him know before withdrawing. A simple "I love you, I'll talk to you later today" really helps instead of not saying anything.

I'd also like to note, if you find that you often do impulsive things/decisions, I'd like to warn you to be careful about making these in your relationship. I've impulsively broken up with my boyfriend several times, and it definitely caused a lot of hurt. So be aware of that, and if you find yourself about to do something similar, take some time to think about it if you're really sure.

Remember, it's important to recognize that your worth as a person is not defined by your mental health or past experiences. You deserve love and support just like anyone else !

 

[wetcigarette]

thank you, I'm glad to hear those words and that there are other people who can relate to my experience. (For better or for worse.)
After I calmed down last night we talked about some of the things you mentioned in your reply and you were right; he was much more understanding than I thought he would be. we both agreed to be more open with eachother during times like this. relationships are never easy but hopefully things'll get better w good communication

 

[cgrtt.brns]

as woh6 said, you're aware of your behaviours and thats an amazing start. communication is so unbelievably important, it wont "fix" anything but itll make difficult times much easier to cope with. i also think it might be useful to remember there could potentially be things that the two of you cant cope with alone (eg negative thoughts, coping with impulses) so if you arent already, getting external help like a therapist or even a couples therapist might be useful if its available, and definitely isnt something to feel bad about needing (if you do end up needing it, not saying you absolutely should). i hope that made sense, i wish you the best <3

if it helps u feel less alone, ill share my experience in my first (and only actually good, at least for me) relationship. i was young, but it still doesnt excuse my behaviour, and i was completely oblivious to it. i would casually mention feeling suicidal, crying to her that she was going to leave me for someone better, constantly asking her for reassurance about different things. eventually it was too much for her to handle and she rightfully ended the relationship. at the time i was fucking devastated bc i didnt actually know what i had done wrong, i just assumed i was a failure and didnt deserve to be in a relationship. ever since then ive been so scared of starting another relationship bc i worry my bpd will ruin it. but at least now im aware of unhealthy habits, so i hope if i ever do get the balls to find a new relationship it at least wont be as bad lol