To start with, I would appreciate if no one commented "No you're not terrible" or offering pity or anything of the sort. I just want to be heard, I don't need reassurance right now, thank you for understanding.
I've started to bring people down with me, which I've always interpreted as a sign that I'm headed for rock bottom. It sounds dumb, but I lied to a classmate about studying for a test together. I promised her that we could see each other Saturday, then I told her I would be late, until I realized that I was not in the state of mind to see her at all, so I closed my phone and tried to forget about it. Obviously it made me feel worse, so I gave her a half-assed apology this morning. I didn't even feel bad, to be honest, not because I didn't care, but because I know I'm out of excuses. At this point, does it matter if I run friendships? I've finally reached that point I've heard so many times here, that mental illness ruin every relationship. I thought I was too good for that, ignorantly. Or maybe I was denying it in a feeble self-preservation attempt. Again, it might sound dumb, you're probably thinking that that's in no way rock bottom, but if you have social anxiety you might understand my point. I'd rather screw my entire existence than have people think wrongly of me, be a burden to them, or hurt them.
Which brings me to my next point: ctb is horribly selfish and I can't find it in myself to care. The grief will probably kill my parents as well. I could just turn around 180 in a moment, confess to them how I'm feeling, that I need help. They're such nice parents too, nothing like the abusive ones who ruin their children's lives. Yet all I can think about is how *I* feel. I can't figure out my life so I'm going to hurt everyone I know. Terrible.
Then next, I can't even help myself. I can't get my shit together. I got help through a therapist, but now I've realized if I really want to get better, it has to come from me. For example, I've lied to her, even though I know that in order to truly help, a therapist has to know the truth. However, I have no motivation to get better. I'm young but I don't see the point of recovery anymore. I told myself I would give me some time to think, I would give a opportunity for recovery, but I'm not sure I can even hold that long onto life. I think about how a few years ago, I had suicidal thoughts but didn't act on them, because I told myself I would get better. And it was true; I did get better, for a while. But the suffering never truly lets up, does it? I see members regretting not ctb earlier, and I can relate with my younger self. Did the few years of less pain really matter? Looking back on it, not really. Only more pain, with some nice memories dispersed throughout. Nothing to live for.
I'd like to tell you guys that I have a ctb date, but I know I'll just end up fucking lying just like everything else in my life and I don't want to put even more people through that. So just know that my will has been solidified.
Edit: just thought about this; I don't only disappoint people in my 'real life', I've let down a lot of people here too. If you've ever started a conversation with me, and then I never answered again, know I'm truly sorry. I don't have an excuse.
I've started to bring people down with me, which I've always interpreted as a sign that I'm headed for rock bottom. It sounds dumb, but I lied to a classmate about studying for a test together. I promised her that we could see each other Saturday, then I told her I would be late, until I realized that I was not in the state of mind to see her at all, so I closed my phone and tried to forget about it. Obviously it made me feel worse, so I gave her a half-assed apology this morning. I didn't even feel bad, to be honest, not because I didn't care, but because I know I'm out of excuses. At this point, does it matter if I run friendships? I've finally reached that point I've heard so many times here, that mental illness ruin every relationship. I thought I was too good for that, ignorantly. Or maybe I was denying it in a feeble self-preservation attempt. Again, it might sound dumb, you're probably thinking that that's in no way rock bottom, but if you have social anxiety you might understand my point. I'd rather screw my entire existence than have people think wrongly of me, be a burden to them, or hurt them.
Which brings me to my next point: ctb is horribly selfish and I can't find it in myself to care. The grief will probably kill my parents as well. I could just turn around 180 in a moment, confess to them how I'm feeling, that I need help. They're such nice parents too, nothing like the abusive ones who ruin their children's lives. Yet all I can think about is how *I* feel. I can't figure out my life so I'm going to hurt everyone I know. Terrible.
Then next, I can't even help myself. I can't get my shit together. I got help through a therapist, but now I've realized if I really want to get better, it has to come from me. For example, I've lied to her, even though I know that in order to truly help, a therapist has to know the truth. However, I have no motivation to get better. I'm young but I don't see the point of recovery anymore. I told myself I would give me some time to think, I would give a opportunity for recovery, but I'm not sure I can even hold that long onto life. I think about how a few years ago, I had suicidal thoughts but didn't act on them, because I told myself I would get better. And it was true; I did get better, for a while. But the suffering never truly lets up, does it? I see members regretting not ctb earlier, and I can relate with my younger self. Did the few years of less pain really matter? Looking back on it, not really. Only more pain, with some nice memories dispersed throughout. Nothing to live for.
I'd like to tell you guys that I have a ctb date, but I know I'll just end up fucking lying just like everything else in my life and I don't want to put even more people through that. So just know that my will has been solidified.
Edit: just thought about this; I don't only disappoint people in my 'real life', I've let down a lot of people here too. If you've ever started a conversation with me, and then I never answered again, know I'm truly sorry. I don't have an excuse.
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