BlueButterfly111
Autistic and Heartbroken
- Dec 26, 2024
- 323
Before I start, I want to make it clear that I'm not religious but I am spiritual. No one knows this about me irl, I grew up in a Christian family, and everyone that I know believes in God. I've never told anyone, because if I did, people would hate me more than they already do and I'd be pretty scared.
Even my boyfriend who passed away, that I loved/still love dearly was religious and believed in God as far as I know. I don't think he would've hated me if he knew I wasn't religious but I was still spiritual, because his love for me just seemed so unconditional as mine is for him. So it does feel scary for me not to believe in God, just because of all the religious conditioning that I've been subjected to/still am subjected to, but I just can't change my beliefs.
I'm not spiritual just because I grew up religious, but because I've had my own personal experiences with the universe that makes me believe in spirituality. I don't have a set of beliefs, but it seems as though, at least in my own life, many things happened for a reason. I don't believe in God or anything like that, but I do feel connected to the universe and the Earth and nature.
Despite being spiritual, I'm still like 99% sure that I will end my life by ctb, probably at the very least by the age of 30 or younger, (I'm 23 now,) (that's if nothing physically prevents me from doing it like a physical health issue or becoming physically unable to or something like that.) Even though I'm spiritual, I'm also aware that there are so many things that aren't black and white like religious people usually make it seem. Suffering exists, painful deaths exists, miserable slow and unnecessary life's exist, etc…. Also, my life sucks due to being autistic and having mental illness's/disorders because being around other people makes me miserable, and I also don't want to live the rest of my life being lonely and without my dead boyfriend.
It's kind of difficult, because on the one hand, I agree with some of the things that religious people say regarding spirituality. Then on the other hand, they always go way too extreme to the point where they are seeing everything in black and white. For example, I have a religious friend who says that if I commit suicide that I will end up in hell and I should stop saying that I won't live past 30. She also goes on and on about describing what hell is like, and how much people are gonna suffer, while reciting bible quotes. Meanwhile this woman is on drugs and never raised her 4 kids. I'm not trying to judge anyone, but this is the reason why I can't listen to religious people, because reality never lines up with how they try to project their religious beliefs onto other people.
The fact that I have access to methods that I am 100% comfortable with is all the reassurance that I need. I don't know what's gonna happen if I die by ctb, but I certainly don't believe that I am going to end up in a hell, but sometimes I think I might just get reincarnated or I'll go to a different reality and/or a better place. Really hope I don't get reincarnated though, because I feel as though the fact that I don't want to live past 30, and the fact that my soul feels old means that maybe I won't. Unless of course I came back and lived a very good and fulfilling life, but like I said, my soul feels too old for that, so I feel like that's unlikely.
Also, I feel as though my boyfriend and I will meet again in some kind of afterlife/alternate reality. I would say that we would probably find each other again in the next lifetime, but like I said, we both seemed like old souls, so I don't think that's likely. Maybe these are delusional beliefs, but that's what I'm thinking, or maybe nothing will happen, but for some reason with being spiritual I lean more towards the former. I wanted to see if anyone else can relate, even if you don't fully relate?
Even my boyfriend who passed away, that I loved/still love dearly was religious and believed in God as far as I know. I don't think he would've hated me if he knew I wasn't religious but I was still spiritual, because his love for me just seemed so unconditional as mine is for him. So it does feel scary for me not to believe in God, just because of all the religious conditioning that I've been subjected to/still am subjected to, but I just can't change my beliefs.
I'm not spiritual just because I grew up religious, but because I've had my own personal experiences with the universe that makes me believe in spirituality. I don't have a set of beliefs, but it seems as though, at least in my own life, many things happened for a reason. I don't believe in God or anything like that, but I do feel connected to the universe and the Earth and nature.
Despite being spiritual, I'm still like 99% sure that I will end my life by ctb, probably at the very least by the age of 30 or younger, (I'm 23 now,) (that's if nothing physically prevents me from doing it like a physical health issue or becoming physically unable to or something like that.) Even though I'm spiritual, I'm also aware that there are so many things that aren't black and white like religious people usually make it seem. Suffering exists, painful deaths exists, miserable slow and unnecessary life's exist, etc…. Also, my life sucks due to being autistic and having mental illness's/disorders because being around other people makes me miserable, and I also don't want to live the rest of my life being lonely and without my dead boyfriend.
It's kind of difficult, because on the one hand, I agree with some of the things that religious people say regarding spirituality. Then on the other hand, they always go way too extreme to the point where they are seeing everything in black and white. For example, I have a religious friend who says that if I commit suicide that I will end up in hell and I should stop saying that I won't live past 30. She also goes on and on about describing what hell is like, and how much people are gonna suffer, while reciting bible quotes. Meanwhile this woman is on drugs and never raised her 4 kids. I'm not trying to judge anyone, but this is the reason why I can't listen to religious people, because reality never lines up with how they try to project their religious beliefs onto other people.
The fact that I have access to methods that I am 100% comfortable with is all the reassurance that I need. I don't know what's gonna happen if I die by ctb, but I certainly don't believe that I am going to end up in a hell, but sometimes I think I might just get reincarnated or I'll go to a different reality and/or a better place. Really hope I don't get reincarnated though, because I feel as though the fact that I don't want to live past 30, and the fact that my soul feels old means that maybe I won't. Unless of course I came back and lived a very good and fulfilling life, but like I said, my soul feels too old for that, so I feel like that's unlikely.
Also, I feel as though my boyfriend and I will meet again in some kind of afterlife/alternate reality. I would say that we would probably find each other again in the next lifetime, but like I said, we both seemed like old souls, so I don't think that's likely. Maybe these are delusional beliefs, but that's what I'm thinking, or maybe nothing will happen, but for some reason with being spiritual I lean more towards the former. I wanted to see if anyone else can relate, even if you don't fully relate?
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