Came to the conclusion a little while ago that I'm no longer me. I'm no longer really a human being. I'm a shell of what was once a person. Completely hollowed out by a decade of depressions.
My first depression was in 2010. It was rough. I felt very nihilistic and heartbroken but I was still me. Still working towards the future. Still emotional. Writing to write off my emotions.
At this point I'm on my fifth or sixth depression depending on how you count. And I'm just hollow.
I can't really do much anymore. I csn barely get out of bed. I don't care about much anymore. There's nothing and no one in my life anymore. I have no more dreams anymore. No energy to fight or get better anymore. Most of my thoughts are about dying or pain or missing her. My goals are gone. I can't write anymore. I csn barely feel anything anymore most of the time except for pain and a dull darkness.
I've been stripped of everything that made me me and made my life mine. Really I've been stripped of my basic humanity. My ability to feel, enjoy, set goals, hope, live.
I've been through 5 other depression. I got out of each of them eventually. But I think each one took something out of me that I can never get back. This one feels different. I can't muster the energy to get better anymore. I spend more time planning on how to end it than thinking about trying to get better.
It feels almost like a waking dream. Everything.
Even typing this doesn't feel real anymore, I feel so disconnected.
I'm still scared of dying. And I have rare moments, bursts of emotion, where I want to live. But I don't know how anymore. I have no idea where to start anymore. And nobody else seems to either, not even my psychologists.
My first depression was in 2010. It was rough. I felt very nihilistic and heartbroken but I was still me. Still working towards the future. Still emotional. Writing to write off my emotions.
At this point I'm on my fifth or sixth depression depending on how you count. And I'm just hollow.
I can't really do much anymore. I csn barely get out of bed. I don't care about much anymore. There's nothing and no one in my life anymore. I have no more dreams anymore. No energy to fight or get better anymore. Most of my thoughts are about dying or pain or missing her. My goals are gone. I can't write anymore. I csn barely feel anything anymore most of the time except for pain and a dull darkness.
I've been stripped of everything that made me me and made my life mine. Really I've been stripped of my basic humanity. My ability to feel, enjoy, set goals, hope, live.
I've been through 5 other depression. I got out of each of them eventually. But I think each one took something out of me that I can never get back. This one feels different. I can't muster the energy to get better anymore. I spend more time planning on how to end it than thinking about trying to get better.
It feels almost like a waking dream. Everything.
Even typing this doesn't feel real anymore, I feel so disconnected.
I'm still scared of dying. And I have rare moments, bursts of emotion, where I want to live. But I don't know how anymore. I have no idea where to start anymore. And nobody else seems to either, not even my psychologists.
