Venting I'm a perverted weirdo

[Baron]

2 days ago I was masturbating to some porn and then I found a Video. A video that immediately got my attention. I watched it and fapped to it. But in this video you could see nude teenagers. It wasn't sex, it was students being examined by a doctor. And now I feel so terrible about it. I don't know what got into me to watch something like that. I mean it's basically child pornography, how could I in my right mind do something like that. But I still did it, I feel so guilty and terrible like I'm a child predator. I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about that incident. It's bad enough that stuff like that exists on the internet, but to actually watch it and get turned on by it is so disgusting and pathetic. And holy shit it's me, I'm the guy who masturbated to child porn. I am so disgusting and pathetic, this just gives me even more reasons to despise myself. Just had to get that out of my system. It's weird, I hate thinking about it, but I don't want to stop thinking about it. It's like my punishment, it's like I have to feel bad, because I am bad. I don't understand myself anymore. All my thoughts are making me go crazy.

 

[Sammie_com.sanrio]

Honestly I know it's bad but don't feel bad about it, it was an accident I mean I got turned on by seeing someone suffer and hurting myself and a worse thing I've done is get turned on by like guro

 

[Praestat_Mori]

See it as an accident and don't do it again. I see no reason why you should punish yourself now. Yes childporn and the like is inacceptable and disgusting and a huge crime destroying lives of innocents.

 

[Baron]

Honestly I know it's bad but don't feel bad about it, it was an accident I mean I got turned on by seeing someone suffer and hurting myself and a worse thing I've done is get turned on by like guro

It's weird. I appreciate your message, yet I wish you didn't write it. It made me feel a little better, yet I wish it didn't. I want to be insulted and called pathetic, weird and whatnot. I don't know why. Why do I want to feel depressed when that's just fucking with my mind even more. I don't understand, is it to give me more courage to ctb or am I just mentally fucked up. I don't know how I should feel about anything, but in the end I always end up feeling bad about everything. Have I brought all my suffering upon myself of free will? How can I sympathize with anyone feeling depressed, when they were all hurt, while I hurt myself? Am I just some spoiled brat that had too much freedom?

 

[Aisley]

Being turned on by teens isn't pedophilia, it's biology. It's in the makeup of a man's brain. Don't sweat this too much, it's quite normal. Not like you're hanging out at schools looking for a date.

 

[shantyizlit]

Being turned on by teens isn't pedophilia, it's biology. It's in the makeup of a man's brain. Don't sweat this too much, it's quite normal. Not like you're hanging out at schools looking for a date.

That certainly isn't the usual rhetoric. One second below 18 and off to jail you go.

 

[Sammie_com.sanrio]

It's weird. I appreciate your message, yet I wish you didn't write it. It made me feel a little better, yet I wish it didn't. I want to be insulted and called pathetic, weird and whatnot. I don't know why. Why do I want to feel depressed when that's just fucking with my mind even more. I don't understand, is it to give me more courage to ctb or am I just mentally fucked up. I don't know how I should feel about anything, but in the end I always end up feeling bad about everything. Have I brought all my suffering upon myself of free will? How can I sympathize with anyone feeling depressed, when they were all hurt, while I hurt myself? Am I just some spoiled brat that had too much freedom?

That's just a feeling of guilt and emotional masochism to want to be insulted, you don't deserve that, it's an accident, it's alright, don't sweat it

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's enough that you feel so bad about it now- it was obviously a slip up. You probably didn't think it through when you started watching it. We can't exactly help what we're turned on by BUT we can control what we watch and how we act on it- so- so long as you don't seek out more- or- start pursuing ACTUAL underage children- I think you're ok.

 

[Aisley]

That certainly isn't the usual rhetoric. One second below 18 and off to jail you go.

Meh. People get off on that moral superioriity bullshit. Like dopamine is released or something, and they don't even know what they're saying anymore, so long as they hold the high road. In all its forms, I hate high roading, and call it out.

It really is just biology. A man is driven to what isn't fertilized yet. And what's healthy enough to produce choice offspring. Youth means both of those quite often. It's that simple. And it's attraction to prepubescents that make a pedo.

 

[shantyizlit]

Meh. People get off on that moral superioriity bullshit. Like dopamine is released or something, and they don't even know what they're saying anymore, so long as they hold the high road. In all its forms, I hate high roading, and call it out.

It really is just biology. A man is driven to what isn't fertilized yet. And what's healthy enough to produce choice offspring. Youth means both of those quite often. It's that simple. And it's attraction to prepubescents that make a pedo.

I mean I was just afraid to say it xd

 

[Holu]

As long as you aren't out hurting children your A-Okay in my books!

 

[Sammie_com.sanrio]

I mean you weren't thinking in that moment so it's fins

 

[Baron]

That's just a feeling of guilt and emotional masochism to want to be insulted, you don't deserve that, it's an accident, it's alright, don't sweat it

That "don't sweat it" hit me deep. For some reason I am ignoring / rejecting the advice that you guys give me. I feel like I am the only one who knows myself thus I am the only one who can accurately judge myself, even though I don't truly know myself. That way of thinking seems really shitty to me, yet I think that way. Or maybe I am just thinking that I should think that way, because of my guilt perhaps? Now I feel like I kinda went overboard and vented too much and hurt you guys. Don't sweat it is such a simple thing, yet I cannot or I am not willing to not sweat it. Ahhhhh all this thinking is giving me a headache. All I do is overthink trivial matters. I don't know how to continue like this, I only know, that I never know

 

[Sammie_com.sanrio]

That "don't sweat it" hit me deep. For some reason I am ignoring / rejecting the advice that you guys give me. I feel like I am the only one who knows myself thus I am the only one who can accurately judge myself, even though I don't truly know myself. That way of thinking seems really shitty to me, yet I think that way. Or maybe I am just thinking that I should think that way, because of my guilt perhaps? Now I feel like I kinda went overboard and vented too much and hurt you guys. Don't sweat it is such a simple thing, yet I cannot or I am not willing to not sweat it. Ahhhhh all this thinking is giving me a headache. All I do is overthink trivial matters. I don't know how to continue like this, I only know, that I never know

I kind of think the same way and I don't think I can live with myself for a lot of things I do, it's not easy and maybe you should try even if it's hard to try find comfort, but if you need to just take it out the feelings on whatever

 

[Nephis]

~I hope for you, peace in your worries

 

[Ernest1964]

Being turned on by teens isn't pedophilia, it's biology. It's in the makeup of a man's brain. Don't sweat this too much, it's quite normal. Not like you're hanging out at schools looking for a date.

While controversial, I do not disagree with this statement. Attraction is something innate inside of a person. Being attracted to or finding a teenager attractive is not wrong. ACTING on that attraction is against the law. Don't do that, but looking at an attractive 16 year old and appreciating their youth and beauty is not going to land you in jail.

 

[d3c96524be95]

Around half of the population admits to having at least one paraphillic interest: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26941021/ . Up to 5% of men may have pedophilic fantasies: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4478390/ and most of them probably do consider this as perverted (that doesn't make them pedocriminals).

Human kind is perverted. It's not you, it's us. Don't assault people and don't give audience to human exploitation networks because it creates suffering and victims. But apart from that, I don't think you should blame yourself for being a human and having fantasies.

 

[day]

It's better than acting on anything IRL as you didn't harm anyone but yourself truly. The fact you feel shame is proof enough this isn't who you are. Horny men will do things they regret. Ive been sexually assaulted multiple times by men most of which have pleaded they were sorry after the fact.

 

[Worndown]

2 days ago I was masturbating to some porn and then I found a Video. A video that immediately got my attention. I watched it and fapped to it. But in this video you could see nude teenagers. It wasn't sex, it was students being examined by a doctor. And now I feel so terrible about it. I don't know what got into me to watch something like that. I mean it's basically child pornography, how could I in my right mind do something like that. But I still did it, I feel so guilty and terrible like I'm a child predator. I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about that incident. It's bad enough that stuff like that exists on the internet, but to actually watch it and get turned on by it is so disgusting and pathetic. And holy shit it's me, I'm the guy who masturbated to child porn. I am so disgusting and pathetic, this just gives me even more reasons to despise myself. Just had to get that out of my system. It's weird, I hate thinking about it, but I don't want to stop thinking about it. It's like my punishment, it's like I have to feel bad, because I am bad. I don't understand myself anymore. All my thoughts are making me go crazy.

You can easily stumble onto things thar are way outside your comfort zone. It happens. Just don't do it again.
That you found it kind of alluring., chalk that up to being a new find with naked people. Once you figured it out, it seems to have freaked you out. That is a good sign that you are not a creep.

 

[d3c96524be95]

You can easily stumble onto things thar are way outside your comfort zone. It happens. Just don't do it again.
That you found it kind of alluring., chalk that up to being a new find with naked people. Once you figured it out, it seems to have freaked you out. That is a good sign that you are not a creep.

What's wrong if he does it again though?

 

[Worndown]

That us really his problem. I feel you get a pass after you process what you are looking at and back away in horror.
If you return willingly, you have a problem we cannot fix.

 

[Ernest1964]

What's wrong if he does it again though?

Exactly, he is not hurting anyone if he does it... even daily. What's done online in the privacy of your own home stays online in the privacy of your own home. Though, that can be a slippery slope. First it's looking at 16 or 17 years old, 6 months later it may be 12 or 13 year olds... or even younger. U might want to give that a little thought.

That us really his problem. I feel you get a pass after you process what you are looking at and back away in horror.
If you return willingly, you have a problem we cannot fix.

..."in horror"? depending on what he saw, probably not "in horror".

 

[Coldpizza22]

I've fapped to many questionable stuff. I think it's best to limit it, maybe do a nofab for a few days so you stay relatively normal. I think i know the feeling you're experiencing right now, i just got it in a different setting.

I went to the supermarket to get an energy drink and i got a phone call and talked with my mom. I went to the aisle picked a drink and put the can inside of my backpack. It took me a couple of seconds to realize what i was doing and quickly took it out, and went to the register to pay for it. I had enough money i just went on autopilot because i was on a phone call and almost committed robbery.
It happened again a few months later. Now I'm more careful to not do it again. You can use the feeling of guilt/shame to remind yourself not to repeat the same mistake again. I think this is a mechanism inside of our heads so we can learn from our mistakes. You remember the stuff that you did bad easier than the stuff you did good.

Your story reminds me of an anime character. He's a neet in a show and he was his friend to shame him as he goes to watch a school playground, to see how much of a looser he really is. I think it's also implied that he's watching some videos of "characters of questionable age" on his PC, his friend gives him some DVD. The show is called "Welcome to the NHK", i recommend you watch it its fun and it also makes you think about life. Spoilers, but if i remember correctly the guy trieds to CBT with his hand strength alone in the first episode (which is physically impossible IRL). If you don't know where to find it, i can help with that. Here's a short clip, it's not in context, but its the best i could find on youtube

 

[d3c96524be95]

Exactly, he is not hurting anyone if he does it... even daily. What's done online in the privacy of your own home stays online in the privacy of your own home. Though, that can be a slippery slope. First it's looking at 16 or 17 years old, 6 months later it may be 12 or 13 year olds... or even younger. U might want to give that a little thought.

I agree that a few questions arise. I'm wondering if maintaining such fantasies can indeed:
- make them more and more extreme and intrusive (as you said, the slippery slope argument)
- make you significantly more likely to commit a crime related to them
- make you hate yourself even more or create/aggravate a mental disorder, out of the sexual frustration or disgust in yourself

Having some proper insights on that would allow for more useful advices regarding OP's mental health, and I'd be very interested. Let me share my own experience and uneducated opinion about this: I've had very twisted fantasies since I was born. I did not particularly try to restrain them and it is true that they did get more and more extreme through time, but it's unclear whether trying to restrain them would have made the slope less or more slippery. Like OP, I often had this feeling of guilt and disgust in myself when I was turned on by new stuff, but this feeling often faded out with time and was replaced by self-acceptance and increased arousal/pleasure which improved my quality of life overall. It is true that, if I were socially competent, I could be more likely to experiment such things IRL (and for the most part it wouldn't even put me any legal trouble). *However*, I feel there's still a very clear distinction between the fantasy and what I'd be up to in reality. For instance, I fantasize a lot about non-consensual sex, but I could never ever ever ever ever enjoy such thing IRL because I'm not morally aligned with that at all. I also know I wouldn't put myself or someone else at risk of permanent injuries or death, although that's also part of my dreams. This moral boundary has never shifted in my mind, and I think that's what differentiates a simple "perverted weirdo" like me from an actual predator. IMHO, the fact that OP feels disgusted about the fantasy is a pretty good sign that his ethics is not ok with it, and therefore he would never be able to engage with an underaged.

So yeah, my hot take would be: as long as he's not accessing illegal material or abusing anyone IRL, he could be fantasizing about murdering a toddler that it'd be no one's business. If he feels that he'd be morally capable of commiting a crime to satisfy a sexual urge, then he probably needs to pause and get some help. But I'm not specially qualified to know where's the limit and I'd be very interested if someone had more data on this.