I'm a monster... But even monsters need friends.

[Hollowillow]

(Warning. I can't write. I use a voice converter. It can write the opposite of what I mean)

I guess I'm kind of alive...

I took a break for many reasons:

1. I cried when I first saw a stranger die here. Then I tried to be brave so people could see a kind smile before dying. But when I saw someone I know die... My friend who was being kind to me... A rare people who have been kind to me in my life... I was so tempted to beg him to live. If I had I don't think I would have been a pro lifer... But I know he was in pain so it would have been selfish. So by care for him I did my best to respect his wishes. But then I was so heartbroken... I broke... It's hard to read goodbye Treads now... But it's even sadder if people leave without one... maybe. After that I wanted to die too even more. His way was SN... He seems to have been successful and I really hope so because I know he was suffering and doomed to suffer... Did you see @ojinzo come back? I hope he's at peace and free. *Crying*

2. I got SN from IC. With express shipping it cost me $175 Canadian. It's less for Americans. I got scared to die. So I didn't try right away... I cried thinking of all the things that I wanted to do before I died. I'm bedridden since decades, all alone... I never had a life... I wanted to watch at least some more anime before I died. I tried to recover. Someone helped me... But I am so deep in the abyss that I scared her away... I'm ready tempted to try SN. I wake up crying from the physical pain. It seems even worse now that I grieve the loss of a friend. Now that I have nothing good to look forward too when I wake up. I feel like I will never have a friend. Because I'm too in pain. People think I'm a monster when they see how much pain I'm in. They take my screams of agony as an insult and attack against them so they abandon me... Or they try to abuse me sexually when I'm vulnerable. Abusing my trust and dignity... As if I was not already broken beyond repair... They break me further. I feel like my heart is frozen in ice. I keep crying but it's not melting. I need a friend but I can't trust. I tried to talk things out but once again my hurt feelings seem like insults. Every time I express my limits and my needs people become angry. And when I cried like a child, people said I was a monster. Even when I bled people said I was guilty and lying about my pain. I am so deep in the abyss because of abuse from monsters. That now I look like a monster even when I cry like a child. No matter how much someone has a good heart when it gets difficult they run away. I guess I do too I can't bear to be where I'm not wanted... I really should die... Life is not worth living without a friend. I can't bear how much physical pain I'm in without a friend. I need to hear a voice I need to see a face at least on zoom. I need to feel the care in other people's heart. But I can't because mine is so hurt I can't trust. And even if I feel it I know they will abandon me if I get a seizure & scream in agony.

3. I was terrified to come back because of bullying. I'm a piece of s*** so I guess I understand if someone wants me off the site and is happier without me here. Sorry to come back but sorry I didn't die but I'm so lonely... What broke me is seeing bullying against the people who helped me or watch much better people than me get attacked here after their trauma... That really drew me nuts. I'm sorry I went berserk here. But now that I look back I don't think I was just insane. Since that period I have to use a voice converter to type. I got hit in the head by a car. When I get very stressed out I get seizures and I start freaking out incoherently. I think it's because stress causes brain damage. It fries the brain. I don't know if it only works on me because I'm already brain damaged from the car accident. I think it hurts everyone but it's faster & more obvious on me because I'm barely alive. I think being pushed beyond our limit and tortured causes a physical wound in the brain. It's nerve damage. From overwhelming oversimulation. Like electrocuting a brain until it fries. Bullying is a physical assault. it can push someone to die, it's murder. The reason why I'm in unbearable physical pain (worse than a car accident and assault) is from a chemical in my home. It causes nerve damage and I feel my entire body being burned and electrocuted all the time. I wake up crying and I want to scream all the time. I can barely think and just watching TV is overwhelming. I can barely concentrate because I'm so in pain all over inside my body. My right eye twitches like I'm about to get a stroke. And when I can't hide it anymore and be all loving... People attack me and tell me I don't deserve help... That I'm a monster who don't deserve friendship... My own parents never wanted me to be born. Even doctors and the police invalidated me. My social worker was against me and sided with my abusers. It was really hard to get another one. I showed her the pictures of my legs covered in blood after assault, I told her how much it hurts to be told it just anxiety after enduring so much PHYSICAL torture... But she still replied it's probably just anxiety and said she's not the right person to help me. The right person to help me is someone who want to care and want to help!!! So she rejected me. But didn't ask to be replaced. So once again people get paid even though they refuse to do the job and make it worse. I wanted her protection to overcome agoraphobia. But she said that i should stay home so i wouldn't be assaulted & hit by cars... wtf!? She encouraged me to give up living!!! People abandon me when I'm in pain... Even more if they're kinder... They only promise more so they let down more... It's so easy to make beautiful promises when I'm all lovely and warm... But if I cry like a child and scream like a strangled cat... No one wants to stay with me in the abyss... And even those would do can't understand & have empathy unless they've been in the abyss themselves... and even those in the dark can't if my abyss is deeper! But most normal people just want to stay in denial and bully anyone who will remind them of the true abyss... And sometime people viciously want to kick others in the abyss. I kinda understand why... But I can't bear to be kicked anymore. If you see me scream I wish people could jump to the conclusion that I'm in pain or got kicked and am the victim. People who kick are laughing so they look like kind and fun people. The people who are in pain are a pain in the ass. That's why once you fall in the abyss there's no way out. No one wants to help & hear you. Because no matter how kind you are your scars will make you look like a monster. Because empathy means to suffer with you. I wish I could run away from my own life. Someone who can run... will...


I am a monster. My heart is frozen in ice. I think even if people cared about me I would not be able to feel it to believe it. I'm only able to bond with darkness. I can't relate to people with a happy normal life. I'm not just having a bad day the depth of my abyss scare even depressed people who had traumas. I was told that I'm a lost cause by people supposed to defend the right of people in my situation.

I think I saw people in a much deeper abyss who were actually happier than me... And loved ...

I wish I knew what the f*** is wrong with me... I never killed or raped anyone, but even the police treated me worse than those people. If it's because I'm sincere and of manipulate people by telling them only what they want to hear... The way narcissists can manipulate people to do their abuse for them while making them feel like they're doing something good... The world is awful.

No matter how kind I tried to be... People treated me like a monster. No matter how much I cried like a child... People said I was guilty and mean. No matter how much I obey the law the law never protected me.

When I am treated like a monster I become one. Because it kills me inside.

I am a monster. But I am lonely. I don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to trust.

I never demanded perfection. Only to be spoken to... Only to be there when they're there... Only to not make things worse...

I I am an immortal monster... People beat me so hard and I still survive.

Maybe I'm dead and I'm in hell.

When kind people come near me I can't reach out... Because I feel that if they saw my wounds they would run away terrified.

I'm so lonely I could die. I can't live all alone. I can't live with grief and loss and rejection.

I can't live like this.

Hated for things that I'm not. Hated for feelings that I don't feel. Hated for thoughts that are the opposite of my thoughts.

I can't live all alone...

It hurts so much to notice how alone I am... When someone claim to care but won't act like it...

How can I make peace if people don't speak to me! How can I make peace when people reveal their true feelings and refuse to hear mine! Is that what friendship is supposed to be? To pretend to be perfect and that everything is fine, hiding resentment and talking in each other's back? Is that how normal people have friends? I'm too brain damage to hide the pain to fake perfection to fake not being hurt and heartbroken...

Expressing my needs limits and pain makes me a monster

It simply means that I'm alive and real...

I hoped that I would be free to share who I really am here...

I am a monster. I am the abyss.

And I am lonely...

I am sorry for being alive. I am scared to die...

I need to speak & bond with someone... A real friendship even off ss...

How can I bear to live when no one care that I am alive enough to share their life with me...

Loneliness & grief... losing a friend... hurts more than a car accident, assault & poison...

But it hurts even more to feel like I never had friends and doomed to never have any. The helplesness & despair is worse than death.

I wish I was never born... I wish I could undo my birth & all my pain. I wished I could spare it in the younger... But I can't even save myself...

I need help but people think that coertion & control is help... Even psychiatry prey on the vulberable. Especially them.

I need... A friend... In the abyss?

 

[makethepainstop]

Unless you have killed a few people I seriously doubt that you are a monster. Charles Manson, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Castro, Jeff Dahmer, Ted Bundy...NOW THOSE WERE MONSTERS!

 

[Musichater]

I'm good for nothing, probably not even good enough to be your friend. Still, allow me to send you a virtual hug. XO

 

[Hollowillow]

Unless you have killed a few people I seriously doubt that you are a monster. Charles Manson, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Castro, Jeff Dahmer, Ted Bundy...NOW THOSE WERE MONSTERS!

Thank you my friend but why are people treating me worse than them? They have fan clubs. Psychiatrist don't touch them they end in prison. Those serial killers are happy about their crimes so they don't take anti depressants. Cops wouldn't dare to bully them are they would end up with their face eaten off.

And that's why society sucks. It's made for predators by predators... All the prayers have to do is unite but they rather bully each other... Because the predators have fun making them fight each other. And once you're a victim the good people see you as a monster. I wish I was a serial killer. Thank you for comforting me. Inside me there is a part that is really dark. But strangely people run away from my crying inner child instead. Why?

I'm good for nothing, probably not even good enough to be your friend. Still, allow me to send you a virtual hug. XO

Thank you feel free to send me a private message too. Not a chat I'm too dumb to figure out how to use them. My brain damage can keep up with live text unless it's a voice on zoom.

A narcissist will never be able to admit a flaw, not even if we threatened them with a chainsaw against their crotch. So you're better than most

 

[Maudlin]

(Warning. I can't write. I use a voice converter. It can write the opposite of what I mean)

I guess I'm kind of alive...

I took a break for many reasons:

1. I cried when I first saw a stranger die here. Then I tried to be brave so people could see a kind smile before dying. But when I saw someone I know die... My friend who was being kind to me... A rare people who have been kind to me in my life... I was so tempted to beg him to live. If I had I don't think I would have been a pro lifer... But I know he was in pain so it would have been selfish. So by care for him I did my best to respect his wishes. But then I was so heartbroken... I broke... It's hard to read goodbye Treads now... But it's even sadder if people leave without one... maybe. After that I wanted to die too even more. His way was SN... He seems to have been successful and I really hope so because I know he was suffering and doomed to suffer... Did you see @ojinzo come back? I hope he's at peace and free. *Crying*

2. I got SN from IC. With express shipping it cost me $175 Canadian. It's less for Americans. I got scared to die. So I didn't try right away... I cried thinking of all the things that I wanted to do before I died. I'm bedridden since decades, all alone... I never had a life... I wanted to watch at least some more anime before I died. I tried to recover. Someone helped me... But I am so deep in the abyss that I scared her away... I'm ready tempted to try SN. I wake up crying from the physical pain. It seems even worse now that I grieve the loss of a friend. Now that I have nothing good to look forward too when I wake up. I feel like I will never have a friend. Because I'm too in pain. People think I'm a monster when they see how much pain I'm in. They take my screams of agony as an insult and attack against them so they abandon me... Or they try to abuse me sexually when I'm vulnerable. Abusing my trust and dignity... As if I was not already broken beyond repair... They break me further. I feel like my heart is frozen in ice. I keep crying but it's not melting. I need a friend but I can't trust. I tried to talk things out but once again my hurt feelings seem like insults. Every time I express my limits and my needs people become angry. And when I cried like a child, people said I was a monster. Even when I bled people said I was guilty and lying about my pain. I am so deep in the abyss because of abuse from monsters. That now I look like a monster even when I cry like a child. No matter how much someone has a good heart when it gets difficult they run away. I guess I do too I can't bear to be where I'm not wanted... I really should die... Life is not worth living without a friend. I can't bear how much physical pain I'm in without a friend. I need to hear a voice I need to see a face at least on zoom. I need to feel the care in other people's heart. But I can't because mine is so hurt I can't trust. And even if I feel it I know they will abandon me if I get a seizure & scream in agony.

3. I was terrified to come back because of bullying. I'm a piece of s*** so I guess I understand if someone wants me off the site and is happier without me here. Sorry to come back but sorry I didn't die but I'm so lonely... What broke me is seeing bullying against the people who helped me or watch much better people than me get attacked here after their trauma... That really drew me nuts. I'm sorry I went berserk here. But now that I look back I don't think I was just insane. Since that period I have to use a voice converter to type. I got hit in the head by a car. When I get very stressed out I get seizures and I start freaking out incoherently. I think it's because stress causes brain damage. It fries the brain. I don't know if it only works on me because I'm already brain damaged from the car accident. I think it hurts everyone but it's faster & more obvious on me because I'm barely alive. I think being pushed beyond our limit and tortured causes a physical wound in the brain. It's nerve damage. From overwhelming oversimulation. Like electrocuting a brain until it fries. Bullying is a physical assault. it can push someone to die, it's murder. The reason why I'm in unbearable physical pain (worse than a car accident and assault) is from a chemical in my home. It causes nerve damage and I feel my entire body being burned and electrocuted all the time. I wake up crying and I want to scream all the time. I can barely think and just watching TV is overwhelming. I can barely concentrate because I'm so in pain all over inside my body. My right eye twitches like I'm about to get a stroke. And when I can't hide it anymore and be all loving... People attack me and tell me I don't deserve help... That I'm a monster who don't deserve friendship... My own parents never wanted me to be born. Even doctors and the police invalidated me. My social worker was against me and sided with my abusers. It was really hard to get another one. I showed her the pictures of my legs covered in blood after assault, I told her how much it hurts to be told it just anxiety after enduring so much PHYSICAL torture... But she still replied it's probably just anxiety and said she's not the right person to help me. The right person to help me is someone who want to care and want to help!!! So she rejected me. But didn't ask to be replaced. So once again people get paid even though they refuse to do the job and make it worse. I wanted her protection to overcome agoraphobia. But she said that i should stay home so i wouldn't be assaulted & hit by cars... wtf!? She encouraged me to give up living!!! People abandon me when I'm in pain... Even more if they're kinder... They only promise more so they let down more... It's so easy to make beautiful promises when I'm all lovely and warm... But if I cry like a child and scream like a strangled cat... No one wants to stay with me in the abyss... And even those would do can't understand & have empathy unless they've been in the abyss themselves... and even those in the dark can't if my abyss is deeper! But most normal people just want to stay in denial and bully anyone who will remind them of the true abyss... And sometime people viciously want to kick others in the abyss. I kinda understand why... But I can't bear to be kicked anymore. If you see me scream I wish people could jump to the conclusion that I'm in pain or got kicked and am the victim. People who kick are laughing so they look like kind and fun people. The people who are in pain are a pain in the ass. That's why once you fall in the abyss there's no way out. No one wants to help & hear you. Because no matter how kind you are your scars will make you look like a monster. Because empathy means to suffer with you. I wish I could run away from my own life. Someone who can run... will...


I am a monster. My heart is frozen in ice. I think even if people cared about me I would not be able to feel it to believe it. I'm only able to bond with darkness. I can't relate to people with a happy normal life. I'm not just having a bad day the depth of my abyss scare even depressed people who had traumas. I was told that I'm a lost cause by people supposed to defend the right of people in my situation.

I think I saw people in a much deeper abyss who were actually happier than me... And loved ...

I wish I knew what the f*** is wrong with me... I never killed or raped anyone, but even the police treated me worse than those people. If it's because I'm sincere and of manipulate people by telling them only what they want to hear... The way narcissists can manipulate people to do their abuse for them while making them feel like they're doing something good... The world is awful.

No matter how kind I tried to be... People treated me like a monster. No matter how much I cried like a child... People said I was guilty and mean. No matter how much I obey the law the law never protected me.

When I am treated like a monster I become one. Because it kills me inside.

I am a monster. But I am lonely. I don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to trust.

I never demanded perfection. Only to be spoken to... Only to be there when they're there... Only to not make things worse...

I I am an immortal monster... People beat me so hard and I still survive.

Maybe I'm dead and I'm in hell.

When kind people come near me I can't reach out... Because I feel that if they saw my wounds they would run away terrified.

I'm so lonely I could die. I can't live all alone. I can't live with grief and loss and rejection.

I can't live like this.

Hated for things that I'm not. Hated for feelings that I don't feel. Hated for thoughts that are the opposite of my thoughts.

I can't live all alone...

It hurts so much to notice how alone I am... When someone claim to care but won't act like it...

How can I make peace if people don't speak to me! How can I make peace when people reveal their true feelings and refuse to hear mine! Is that what friendship is supposed to be? To pretend to be perfect and that everything is fine, hiding resentment and talking in each other's back? Is that how normal people have friends? I'm too brain damage to hide the pain to fake perfection to fake not being hurt and heartbroken...

Expressing my needs limits and pain makes me a monster

It simply means that I'm alive and real...

I hoped that I would be free to share who I really am here...

I am a monster. I am the abyss.

And I am lonely...

I am sorry for being alive. I am scared to die...

I need to speak & bond with someone... A real friendship even off ss...

How can I bear to live when no one care that I am alive enough to share their life with me...

Loneliness & grief... losing a friend... hurts more than a car accident, assault & poison...

But it hurts even more to feel like I never had friends and doomed to never have any. The helplesness & despair is worse than death.

I wish I was never born... I wish I could undo my birth & all my pain. I wished I could spare it in the younger... But I can't even save myself...

I need help but people think that coertion & control is help... Even psychiatry prey on the vulberable. Especially them.

I need... A friend... In the abyss?

I don't know you, so I can't really "care" about you. You're just another out of millions. Regardless, I empathize with your pain. Aside from here, on this platform, I rarely talk about pain. I was raised to believe that Men don't do that. It gets lonely. I vent about it here, though.

It's hell. It's excruciating. Saying so makes me a fucking pussy. A whiner.

The worst thing about it is how I can't do the things I used to do, anymore. So, that makes me worthless.

The second worse thing is what it does to my disposition. I'm an asshole. Toxic.

My grandad always told me "Boy, gettin' old ain't for sissies!"

He was right.

For my part, like I said I can't "care", the way you want care... but I'm curious. That's a start. I'll promise nothing to you except that I'll read what you put on the screen, and sometimes I might interact. I'll keep that up until I can't anymore, because I'll be gone.

I'm an asshole, I'm hard to deal with, and I'm toxic. I'm selfish as all fuck, because I can't stop thinking about my body, my pain, my situation. If I get it in my mind I've been screwed over by someone, I often can't stop myself from obsessing on retribution until I find satisfaction. I've always been that way. That said, I'm not thin-skinned... I'm practically a walking callous. For the most part, words roll off me like water off a ducks' back. Unfortunately I often forget some people can't handle words they don't like. Did I say unfortunately? lol

Fuck people like that. I never did care what most people think and feel, and I still don't.

Will I care about you? I don't know. But I'm curious. What I've said is all I can offer.

I understand pain, and the shitty disposition it brings. I understand the void. I understand being a monster.

I understand friendship, too.

Your words touched me, so I just reached out and touched you back.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm good for nothing, probably not even good enough to be your friend. Still, allow me to send you a virtual hug. XO

Everyone should have friends! None should ever feel they are not good enough. You are a human being and as such you deserve people in your life. Much love to you.

 

[Hollowillow]

I don't know you, so I can't really "care" about you. You're just another out of millions. Regardless, I empathize with your pain. Aside from here, on this platform, I rarely talk about pain. I was raised to believe that Men don't do that. It gets lonely. I vent about it here, though.

It's hell. It's excruciating. Saying so makes me a fucking pussy. A whiner.

The worst thing about it is how I can't do the things I used to do, anymore. So, that makes me worthless.

The second worse thing is what it does to my disposition. I'm an asshole. Toxic.

My grandad always told me "Boy, gettin' old ain't for sissies!"

He was right.

For my part, like I said I can't "care", the way you want care... but I'm curious. That's a start. I'll promise nothing to you except that I'll read what you put on the screen, and sometimes I might interact. I'll keep that up until I can't anymore, because I'll be gone.

I'm an asshole, I'm hard to deal with, and I'm toxic. I'm selfish as all fuck, because I can't stop thinking about my body, my pain, my situation. If I get it in my mind I've been screwed over by someone, I often can't stop myself from obsessing on retribution until I find satisfaction. I've always been that way. That said, I'm not thin-skinned... I'm practically a walking callous. For the most part, words roll off me like water off a ducks' back. Unfortunately I often forget some people can't handle words they don't like. Did I say unfortunately? lol

Fuck people like that. I never did care what most people think and feel, and I still don't.

Will I care about you? I don't know. But I'm curious. What I've said is all I can offer.

I understand pain, and the shitty disposition it brings. I understand the void. I understand being a monster.

I understand friendship, too.

Your words touched me, so I just reached out and touched you back.

Thank you deeply. I feel you. Most people pretend to be kind and then they stab you on the back when it gets hard. I need the opposite. Someone who will dare to talk about the dark stuff and won't run away when it gets dark. Please be kind to me. The Japanese has such a nice meeting phrase that means that. I don't remember what it is but it's adorable. I'll pm you. I think I noticed you too I'm glad to see you thank you

Everyone should have friends! None should ever feel they are not good enough. You are a human being and as such you deserve people in your life. Much love to you.

Thank you. Sometimes I guess it's me. It's so hard for me to open up. Even if people came back after hurting me I don't think they will ever be able to reach me again the same... I don't know how to trust someone who hurt me. But maybe sometimes it's true that apologies are not sincere. How can someone truly be my friend if they think I'm a scary rude monster. The problem is... That person saw the child not the monster... So how can i dare to show myself to them when they can't even handle the best of me when I'm in pain. And a part of me is tempted to show the worst of me... When someone stabbed me in their heart is it really surprising if I stab them back. The only thing I expect my darkness to do is to not stab an innocent instead. I don't want to perpetuate the cycle of abuse on the innocent. But I have no problem telling that that a dog is a canine... Maybe that's why people hate me... Don't know what I'm saying I don't understand what happened. I was so full of trust and all of sudden all I could feel was loneliness and pain...

I wish I could warn you against me but I don't even know what I do wrong. I do appreciate your kind words and I hope that they will manage to deserve them.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hello.

I'm really sorry that you feel this way.

Please don't think so badly of yourself.

I'm sending you a hug.

 

[BillyBob]

Can someone message me what IC means in relation to SN if that is possible. My current supplyed of SN is 2 years old and are looking at ordering a new lot but are having trouble finding any in the country I live in. Thank you

 

[Hollowillow]

Hello.

I'm really sorry that you feel this way.

Please don't think so badly of yourself.

I'm sending you a hug.

Thank you. I'm sorry that you're a victim of psychiatry too. Using those cruel labels invented by bullies as your name... You are scared & sad. And I'm sure that you have damn good reasons to be *hugs* thank you I have too many reasons too

Can someone message me what IC means in relation to SN if that is possible. My current supplyed of SN is 2 years old and are looking at ordering a new lot but are having trouble finding any in the country I live in. Thank you

It's forbidden to post it in public because the supplier could be bullied into stopping to sell it to the public like DD probably was. I'll pm you. You could have said some kind of words for me but if you're uncaring I guess it's even more motivating to give it to you isn't it?

 

[shamefulfaliure]

Why is life so full of pains I'd it because of things we did in a past life. My man stay strong but soon I hope to ctb I hope I am successful bcos Ian in a 3rd world country if u fail u become a taboo.

 

[Hollowillow]

Why is life so full of pains I'd it because of things we did in a past life. My man stay strong but soon I hope to ctb I hope I am successful bcos Ian in a 3rd world country if u fail u become a taboo.

I don't speak English so maybe I'm wrong but if there is an error in the way you wrote your name "shameful failure" it's as funny as the tattoo "no regerts" (no regrets). Embrace your failures. But I wish you to succeed to be free.

I don't think we're punished for a past life. We can only learn from the mistakes that we remember it's pointless to punish us, especially if we don't even know why. I think it's a slave mentality. We're told to think like that by religion that is used to control the slaves. Shame us against revolting against oppression telling us that we deserve to suffer but we don't. Shaming us and trying to kill ourselves instead to let others exploit us. We suffer because of mistakes and because of the abuse of others. And because psychopaths have more solidarity than mothers and fathers. If we revolted we could take over the world. But instead we starve in the gutter and cry to death. And when someone asks for help we are encouraged to shun them and send them in psychiatry to be tortured and drugged into obedience. We are lazy and heartless.

I was a taboo from birth. My parents wanted to abort me and then they may be regret to be born and they made me a helpless Target because they told me that I deserved it.

I don't care about what I deserve. Killers have fan clubs. If I deserve pain then they can come and kill me otherwise they have to shut up

I live in a first world country. It's unbearable so I feel for everyone who live in third world countries. But I feel like their family values might be deeper than ours. Here we only value machines and drugs.

But making 12 kids in that country where we can't feed 1... People are going to die in agony...

Why are they making people be born when they can only under torment. It's because of selfish sex not because you deserve to be punished

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrible what you have to endure. This life really is just too painful and cruel and it's awful how life can torture people in so many ways with the chance of things getting worse always being there and causing more suffering. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to deal with what you are going through, but I wish you the best.

 

[hamvil]

Long post and it is hard for me to follow it, not because of your fault but because it is hard for me to concentrate. I know a little bit what you are going trough, I feel like a monster too sometimes. I would like to reply to each point and if I gather the energies I will do it. For now just know that I can relate with some of what you said. No idea or advice from my side. I am way beyond tired of all and have little energy.

 

[makethepainstop]

Thank you my friend but why are people treating me worse than them? They have fan clubs. Psychiatrist don't touch them they end in prison. Those serial killers are happy about their crimes so they don't take anti depressants. Cops wouldn't dare to bully them are they would end up with their face eaten off.

And that's why society sucks. It's made for predators by predators... All the prayers have to do is unite but they rather bully each other... Because the predators have fun making them fight each other. And once you're a victim the good people see you as a monster. I wish I was a serial killer. Thank you for comforting me. Inside me there is a part that is really dark. But strangely people run away from my crying inner child instead. Why?

Thank you feel free to send me a private message too. Not a chat I'm too dumb to figure out how to use them. My brain damage can keep up with live text unless it's a voice on zoom.

A narcissist will never be able to admit a flaw, not even if we threatened them with a chainsaw against their crotch. So you're better than most

A fan club might be nice, but i wouldn't want to hurt or kill innocent people to get one. Sometimes being alone allows you the freedom to be your true self, without others influence on your thoughts or feelings. I know you suffering, I wish you could escape the pain. As always much love to you.

 

[shamefulfaliure]

I don't speak English so maybe I'm wrong but if there is an error in the way you wrote your name "shameful failure" it's as funny as the tattoo "no regerts" (no regrets). Embrace your failures. But I wish you to succeed to be free.

I don't think we're punished for a past life. We can only learn from the mistakes that we remember it's pointless to punish us, especially if we don't even know why. I think it's a slave mentality. We're told to think like that by religion that is used to control the slaves. Shame us against revolting against oppression telling us that we deserve to suffer but we don't. Shaming us and trying to kill ourselves instead to let others exploit us. We suffer because of mistakes and because of the abuse of others. And because psychopaths have more solidarity than mothers and fathers. If we revolted we could take over the world. But instead we starve in the gutter and cry to death. And when someone asks for help we are encouraged to shun them and send them in psychiatry to be tortured and drugged into obedience. We are lazy and heartless.

I was a taboo from birth. My parents wanted to abort me and then they may be regret to be born and they made me a helpless Target because they told me that I deserved it.

I don't care about what I deserve. Killers have fan clubs. If I deserve pain then they can come and kill me otherwise they have to shut up

I live in a first world country. It's unbearable so I feel for everyone who live in third world countries. But I feel like their family values might be deeper than ours. Here we only value machines and drugs.

But making 12 kids in that country where we can't feed 1... People are going to die in agony...

Why are they making people be born when they can only under torment. It's because of selfish sex not because you deserve to be punished

You don't understand the 3rd world u think it's just for sex. Here we embrace the metaphysical if u are not performing optimally it's spiritual and should be casted out. Well misery is misery if I was in a first world nation I would probably not ctb but here ppl literally mock u. Religious leaders read meaning to ur wrongs as spiritual. Let's just forget d discussion respect the thread

 

[Hollowillow]

It sounds really horrible what you have to endure. This life really is just too painful and cruel and it's awful how life can torture people in so many ways with the chance of things getting worse always being there and causing more suffering. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to deal with what you are going through, but I wish you the best.

Thank you. Got more rejection today by group therapies on zoom. I'm hated and a lost cause. The psychological violence is why i panic and they justify violence by my unpleasant panic. One told me that i need to be medicamented or no one will want to listen just because i speak fast. But i do because they say i only have 10 minutes and spend half filling forms!

Long post and it is hard for me to follow it, not because of your fault but because it is hard for me to concentrate. I know a little bit what you are going trough, I feel like a monster too sometimes. I would like to reply to each point and if I gather the energies I will do it. For now just know that I can relate with some of what you said. No idea or advice from my side. I am way beyond tired of all and have little energy.

I feel the same. Brain hurts *hugs*

Long post and it is hard for me to follow it, not because of your fault but because it is hard for me to concentrate. I know a little bit what you are going trough, I feel like a monster too sometimes. I would like to reply to each point and if I gather the energies I will do it. For now just know that I can relate with some of what you said. No idea or advice from my side. I am way beyond tired of all and have little energy.

I feel the same. Brain hurts *hugs*

A fan club might be nice, but i wouldn't want to hurt or kill innocent people to get one. Sometimes being alone allows you the freedom to be your true self, without others influence on your thoughts or feelings. I know you suffering, I wish you could escape the pain. As always much love to you.

Thank you. Dexter (tv show) killed killers. But can't watch horror anymore. I hate how depressed people are threated worse than the criminals who tortured them

You don't understand the 3rd world u think it's just for sex. Here we embrace the metaphysical if u are not performing optimally it's spiritual and should be casted out. Well misery is misery if I was in a first world nation I would probably not ctb but here ppl literally mock u. Religious leaders read meaning to ur wrongs as spiritual. Let's just forget d discussion respect the thread

Please forgive my ignorant self. I probably said something stupid. My parents just wanted sex and wanted an abortion but my mom's sister shamed her into keeping me... Here we're promised everything but told we don't deserve it when we ask. It's just fake to rob our taxes.