I'm a loser

[evilnkaa]

I'm filled with so many emotions. I hate myself. No amount of effort I put I feel not good enough. I feel like I'm living for other people but not for myself. I make friends but I don't feel loved. I start talking to guys but I don't feel the same love anymore. I'm destroyed. I cry about everything and anything... I would always try to say I'm sensitive. But I don't think it's because I'm sensitive. I'm so lost. I feel like theres no purpose and I'm counting days like sheep. I want to just breathe. I can't breathe and my head is filled with so many feelings and thoughts and I wish I could get a moment to stop them all so all I get is radio silence. I can't look at myself or even remotely love me as a person. I hate how I depend on others. I hate my voice, body, the way I stutter and talk, I hate how my face looks, & I hate how I try to improve but I see no progress. I feel like the biggest loser. I hurt everyone around me and push them all away. I don't know what to do aside from ctb. I'm so unsatisfied with life. I'm running out of options.

 

[banger12]

That's a rough feeling and I'm so sorry you're in pain. I don't want to invalidate your feelings, your pain is valid, but I have a hard time believing you are as bad as you think. However, even if you are, you demonstrate self awareness about it and a desire to be better, which puts you ahead of all the bad people who are comfortable in how bad they are. So count the small wins, if you can. I hope this was soothing or did something for you.

 

[whywere]

1st off you are NOT a loser NEVER EVER. You have talents, loving and caring feelings, your thread says so loud and clear.

I have been told before, never here, that I am too sensitive also, and to that I say bull crap. I am 68, as I mention this because I have been in the business world for over 40 years, and I have seen way too much backstabbing and general greedy people that being sensitive is wonderful period.

Please do not be so hard on yourself, as you are a kind, caring and intelligent soul and it makes me cry thinking about you being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back and know that you have so much not only to give yourself but to others.

I send you lots of hugs and caring thoughts, as you are in pain right now BUT I care about you so much, really do.

I am older, age is a number only, however I have been hurt a lot myself and want the very best for you always, and you are a fantastic person to/for me as having no family nor friends, it is folks like YOU who help me and my 24/7 chronic pain each and every day, thank you for that. See, you are a wonderful person!

Lots of well wishes and vibrant sunny blue skies to you my good friend.

Walter

 

[evilnkaa]

That's a rough feeling and I'm so sorry you're in pain. I don't want to invalidate your feelings, your pain is valid, but I have a hard time believing you are as bad as you think. However, even if you are, you demonstrate self awareness about it and a desire to be better, which puts you ahead of all the bad people who are comfortable in how bad they are. So count the small wins, if you can. I hope this was soothing or did something for you.

I understand where you are coming from I just have this heavy feeling that I do everyone wrong and the world would be more peaceful for them If I was gone. I distract myself but the feeling is neverending. I blame myself for every issue or anything that happens. I degrade myself. I do want to get better in a way but at the same time I feel like I'm running out of options. Thank you for brightening my day I feel like I don't have much friends so I don't really got a support system.

1st off you are NOT a loser NEVER EVER. You have talents, loving and caring feelings, your thread says so loud and clear.

I have been told before, never here, that I am too sensitive also, and to that I say bull crap. I am 68, as I mention this because I have been in the business world for over 40 years, and I have seen way too much backstabbing and general greedy people that being sensitive is wonderful period.

Please do not be so hard on yourself, as you are a kind, caring and intelligent soul and it makes me cry thinking about you being too hard on yourself. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back and know that you have so much not only to give yourself but to others.

I send you lots of hugs and caring thoughts, as you are in pain right now BUT I care about you so much, really do.

I am older, age is a number only, however I have been hurt a lot myself and want the very best for you always, and you are a fantastic person to/for me as having no family nor friends, it is folks like YOU who help me and my 24/7 chronic pain each and every day, thank you for that. See, you are a wonderful person!

Lots of well wishes and vibrant sunny blue skies to you my good friend.

Walter

I cried joyful tears reading this. I'm 19 and this world is so cruel. I'm breathing and kicking but theres been lots of days where I told myself I wouldn't make it to 21. I hurt myself more than anyone in this world. I try and give love and that I do for everyone but myself. I know I need to give myself a break and be okay with making mistakes and crying at everything but with my past I just haven't found the right people that don't toss ne away. I love this community. This site has helped me to live one more day. And I know It's corny but I'm glad I found this. I'm glad theres people like you. I sure as hell feel like I don't deserve this amount of kindness but thank you. I'm even crying writing this,,, I appreciate you. This meant the world to me. I've been struggling with my image since I was 11 I had such a bad upbringing that confidence is nonexistent for me. I'm always in and out of hospitals because I have panic attacks that make me go into a complete seize and I'm unable to breathe. My body stops working. And the reason for that is because I hold all my feelings and emotions and frustrations all of it in. Boiled. When it pops I just feel like angry at myself. I'm always angry. And I feel a sense of everyone being angry at me. I know I'm young and I blamed it all on hormones and me growing but I know a 11 year old was not starving themselves or trying to push the limits of death. I try and better myself I want to push myself to better myself but I have a lot of progress and self doubt. But I'm also ok with ctb. I made peace with it. I do want to see how life can play out after trade school. Thank you for writing on my post. I cannot express how small words can make a person feel.

 

[banger12]

I understand where you are coming from I just have this heavy feeling that I do everyone wrong and the world would be more peaceful for them If I was gone. I distract myself but the feeling is neverending. I blame myself for every issue or anything that happens. I degrade myself. I do want to get better in a way but at the same time I feel like I'm running out of options. Thank you for brightening my day I feel like I don't have much friends so I don't really got a support system.

I cried joyful tears reading this. I'm 19 and this world is so cruel. I'm breathing and kicking but theres been lots of days where I told myself I wouldn't make it to 21. I hurt myself more than anyone in this world. I try and give love and that I do for everyone but myself. I know I need to give myself a break and be okay with making mistakes and crying at everything but with my past I just haven't found the right people that don't toss ne away. I love this community. This site has helped me to live one more day. And I know It's corny but I'm glad I found this. I'm glad theres people like you. I sure as hell feel like I don't deserve this amount of kindness but thank you. I'm even crying writing this,,, I appreciate you. This meant the world to me. I've been struggling with my image since I was 11 I had such a bad upbringing that confidence is nonexistent for me. I'm always in and out of hospitals because I have panic attacks that make me go into a complete seize and I'm unable to breathe. My body stops working. And the reason for that is because I hold all my feelings and emotions and frustrations all of it in. Boiled. When it pops I just feel like angry at myself. I'm always angry. And I feel a sense of everyone being angry at me. I know I'm young and I blamed it all on hormones and me growing but I know a 11 year old was not starving themselves or trying to push the limits of death. I try and better myself I want to push myself to better myself but I have a lot of progress and self doubt. But I'm also ok with ctb. I made peace with it. I do want to see how life can play out after trade school. Thank you for writing on my post. I cannot express how small words can make a person feel.

No worries. I'm glad it helped. And you're not alone in those feelings, I can really relate to some of it to an extent, especially recently. But you seem very kind, self aware and at least you have a desire to be better, which is better than I think you're giving yourself credit for.

 

[CatLvr]

I understand where you are coming from I just have this heavy feeling that I do everyone wrong and the world would be more peaceful for them If I was gone. I distract myself but the feeling is neverending. I blame myself for every issue or anything that happens. I degrade myself. I do want to get better in a way but at the same time I feel like I'm running out of options. Thank you for brightening my day I feel like I don't have much friends so I don't really got a support system.

I cried joyful tears reading this. I'm 19 and this world is so cruel. I'm breathing and kicking but theres been lots of days where I told myself I wouldn't make it to 21. I hurt myself more than anyone in this world. I try and give love and that I do for everyone but myself. I know I need to give myself a break and be okay with making mistakes and crying at everything but with my past I just haven't found the right people that don't toss ne away. I love this community. This site has helped me to live one more day. And I know It's corny but I'm glad I found this. I'm glad theres people like you. I sure as hell feel like I don't deserve this amount of kindness but thank you. I'm even crying writing this,,, I appreciate you. This meant the world to me. I've been struggling with my image since I was 11 I had such a bad upbringing that confidence is nonexistent for me. I'm always in and out of hospitals because I have panic attacks that make me go into a complete seize and I'm unable to breathe. My body stops working. And the reason for that is because I hold all my feelings and emotions and frustrations all of it in. Boiled. When it pops I just feel like angry at myself. I'm always angry. And I feel a sense of everyone being angry at me. I know I'm young and I blamed it all on hormones and me growing but I know a 11 year old was not starving themselves or trying to push the limits of death. I try and better myself I want to push myself to better myself but I have a lot of progress and self doubt. But I'm also ok with ctb. I made peace with it. I do want to see how life can play out after trade school. Thank you for writing on my post. I cannot express how small words can make a person feel.

You are 19?!?!??!!? And in trade school?!?!??!?? AND you are actually taking positive steps to improve yourself even with how bad you feel?? Do you realize HOW MAJOR an accomplishment that is??!?!? I know you don't know me, but I am SO PROUD of the person you are. And the person you are trying to become! Don't EVER minimalize the work you do for yourself. To be a better person. Or a more self-sufficient person. Or a happier person.

Ok, everything else in your comment that I quoted I could have written when I was 19. And I am now pushing up on 70. I still have all the self-loathing, the feelings of unworthiness, that I am never good enough. But instead of being my constant companion they are mostly just a little whisper that gets a little louder when I'm exhausted, or my pain levels are uncontrolled for one reason or another. And the other big difference is even though they are there I know it is just a lie my brain tells me.

The difference is I have enough life experience now to have put some distance between those childhood and teenage experience that loom so large in your experience base right now. You will have ups and downs but the longer you are on this planet you will see just how much you can change yourself for the better -- love yourself a little more, take a little pride in your accomplishments, find a person or who loves the real you -- not the "you" you think you are but the "you" you really are. The you the rest of us can so clearly see -- but, for now at least, you cannot.

BUT ... Like you, I have always tried to do right by others. I have always shown more grace and forgiveness to everyone around me, whether they deserved it or not, but never for myself. NEVER. Now I have several chronic issues and chronic pain from a BUNCH of surgeries and an accident or three. And I am learning not to be so hard on myself because I now know I CANNOT do for everybody else. I can't. It is a physical impossibility. And strangely enough, this inability has taught me to save a little grace for myself. Because if I don't ain't NONE OF US getting through it.

You are doing a GREAT job, even if you don't feel like it right now. Keep up the good work!