Help i'm a failure, i've failed again. what do i do? how can i fix this?

[spring vainglory]

i made a friend from this site who understands me a lot, so i always vent to him about all my agonies including from my relationship. i like the idea of having nothing to hide from my partner, so in a lapse in judgement i told my partner that he could read my conversations or look through my phone or anything if he wanted to because i'm not doing anything to betray him. when i said that, i wasn't thinking about the venting ive done when i was upset about him. my bf doesn't vent to others about his relationship so he doesn't understand it, and i try to keep my venting to only one person, but i have really dark and mean and unstable thoughts that i need to let go of when i'm angry and frustrated... he's read so many things that i didn't and never will mean, including me saying "maybe i should just start beating him so he will hate me and leave me and let me kill myself." he already knew i'm suicidal and am staying alive to be with him so that part wasnt a suprise at least, but he was mostly hurt by the idea that i want to beat him. i didn't even mean that when i typed it out, i know i don't want to beat him i've never felt the urge to hit him, it was a sick joke i was just saying to cope and process, but he won't hear me when i explain. can anyone relate to things like this? i have bpd, so i split really hard when he makes me feel bad bc he's my most important person... i just need to let those feelings out so that they don't stay inside because i know they're not real! i understand how much hearing things like that would hurt, it was my mistake for letting him see that. but he won't forgive me....

now i tell him how much i love him and he won't believe me. he says that those mean things were my "raw and free" emotions but i know they're not because theyre MY emotions!! when i sit down and dig deep within myself and take the time to really articulate how i feel about him, how much i love him and how he is the only thing in my world, he doesn't believe me anymore. he says the reasons i gave him for why i love him don't match my narrative up until this point, as if i'm just making new stuff up, but that was me expressing to him things i've always felt but never have expressed in such detail before!! i don't know what to do. all he wants right now is to be convinced that i do love him but it's not working. have i ruined everything?? i think i've failed. again, i went and ruined everything like the failure i am...

i don't want to live in a world where we aren't together, its not a matter of opinion that my life will go to agony and purgatory if we break up so my plan has always been to ctb if we break up. i know this is the recovery thread, but i won't change my mind on that, i'm here in the recovery thread because i don't want it to come to that, i want to try to fix the relationship first but i don't know what to do..... how do i make him see again that i truly do love him?? i even tried to ask him, but all he answers is "idk"....

 

[whywere]

I wish nothing but the best for you always.

Breaks my heart reading this, and I hope and pray that everything works out for you. Just try and remember that ctb is one and done and maybe just maybe another person might come down the path of life.

Back in the 1970's I REALLY liked this one gal, and she had nothing but contempt for/to me. I wrote her a letter and sent it to her; she was in college, and I was working saving up to go to college and guess what?! She copied my letter thousands of times over and gave a copy to anyone and everyone who wanted one. I could not understand at first why so many people knew me, and they were always snickering at me. When I found out and saw a copy of my letter to her, I damn near pulled the plug on life, it hurt so damn much.

I took a step back and told myself that nobody was worth me killing myself for and it took time, but I moved on.

Karma, as she married and a few years later they got divorced and she went with so many guys and raised kids by herself. So, there is karma, and I went to college, had a girlfriend in school and got a great position upon graduation.

You can and will also, I 100% believe in YOU, my awesome friend.

Walter

 

[spring vainglory]

I wish nothing but the best for you always.

Breaks my heart reading this, and I hope and pray that everything works out for you. Just try and remember that ctb is one and done and maybe just maybe another person might come down the path of life.

Back in the 1970's I REALLY liked this one gal, and she had nothing but contempt for/to me. I wrote her a letter and sent it to her; she was in college, and I was working saving up to go to college and guess what?! She copied my letter thousands of times over and gave a copy to anyone and everyone who wanted one. I could not understand at first why so many people knew me, and they were always snickering at me. When I found out and saw a copy of my letter to her, I damn near pulled the plug on life, it hurt so damn much.

I took a step back and told myself that nobody was worth me killing myself for and it took time, but I moved on.

Karma, as she married and a few years later they got divorced and she went with so many guys and raised kids by herself. So, there is karma, and I went to college, had a girlfriend in school and got a great position upon graduation.

You can and will also, I 100% believe in YOU, my awesome friend.

Walter

thanks for sharing part of your story, that's sweet. but my mind is really made up. i don't want anyone but him, i don't care for life or this world, i only care for him. i've felt his love enough to say that it's the only love for me. i just want to fix this, if there's any way how.

 

[LoveroftheDark]

Sorry for being rude if I am, but to be honest, he seems like an enabler, or at least a FP. I know you probably don't care, but what would be best (and sadly the hardest) for you is to leave him. Lack of communication is something that will make the relationship suffer, and certainly for someone with BPD relapse.
I've been in your shoes before (or at least in a similar scenario), and girl, save the energy from the relationship to recover and find a partner that would communicate his needs, because you deserve better. You deserve someone who will follow the basics. And you will find that someone. It's not him though.

Okay, I've been a little blunt, so here's a cookie for you