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lamargue
pugilist
- Jun 5, 2024
- 114
when i was in highschool i had a very romantic view of sex and relationships in general. even if my mind at that point had been saturated with pornography, i still held to the idea that love was a worthy pursuit, that sexual relationships was more than token gratification. in novels that i've read its especially clear that there is more to it than bland eroticism. i sometimes wish i could be aromantic. it feels to me quite sickening to ever combine the saturated representation of sex as seen in pornography and the romantic view. at times i will cling to some vain notion that it's my own apathy which has lead to me never having a girlfriend. but perhaps that's just another lie i tell myself. i feel as if there is another side to life which i haven't explored; that there is something of fundamental importance in sex which may save me yet. i don't really know. nowadays my sexual desires have become warped and conflated with romanticism, being fantasies rather than hopes.
i don't think i can communicate this very well. i've always been terrible at expressing things that truly matter to me, as when i am unable to convince my parents that i need help, as terms like suicide get stuck in my throat, and i begin to doubt my own motives. i had thought about going into a clinic, but my parents convinced me otherwise. it isn't practical, and there are other ways of getting treatment which don't intervene on my future. anyway, that's unrelated.
i think it's the possibility that i will be ignorant to what the world has to offer that scares me the most. i don't want to die alone, but that seems to be the only course of action. i wonder if pornography has ruined everything.
i don't think i can communicate this very well. i've always been terrible at expressing things that truly matter to me, as when i am unable to convince my parents that i need help, as terms like suicide get stuck in my throat, and i begin to doubt my own motives. i had thought about going into a clinic, but my parents convinced me otherwise. it isn't practical, and there are other ways of getting treatment which don't intervene on my future. anyway, that's unrelated.
i think it's the possibility that i will be ignorant to what the world has to offer that scares me the most. i don't want to die alone, but that seems to be the only course of action. i wonder if pornography has ruined everything.