I’m a disappointment

[sserafim]

Ugh idk why I decided to go to my sister's family weekend. She goes to an Ivy League and my mom is like "people are going to ask about you. What do you want me to tell them? That you stay at home all day? You're a disappointment. I wish you would do something with your life." I failed to launch after college but also a factor in it is that I didn't want to launch either. Like I don't want to do anything.

I wanted to go to see the campus of that college but ugh it's kind of annoying that my mom called me a failure…but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society. And people will be curious about me and ask me what I'm doing, that's true. Compared to everyone else (Ivy League high achievers and their families) I'll seem like even more of a failure…

 

[Lost_my_soul]

This sucks...thats why I never attend family gatherings or functions, everyone asks how is it going, I just wanna shout why tf do you care.

 

[sserafim]

This sucks...thats why I never attend family gatherings or functions, everyone asks how is it going, I just wanna shout why tf do you care.

Yeah ikr, like literally why do they care? It's not their life and it doesn't concern them. I guess people are curious but still…

 

[puella]

Family with harsh expectations who judge you can be so hard to be around. And what your mom said is just bullying—so messed up. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of it.

You're not a failure. People who think success is the only way people have value are backwards. It doesn't matter to me what you do, I care about you regardless. You should take life at your own pace and go in your own direction.

 

[R_N]

You are only a "failure" based on their concepts. I mean even that word is made up like any other. Don't let it bother you too much.

Their need to control all aspects of their lives will also come to bite them one day. Nothing is permanent and nature is unpredictable. Life will go the way they don't want it to go whether they like it or not. It is inevitable.

 

[アホペンギン]

I feel the same way as you, same things happening to me.

I won't derail this thread too much but basically what caused this, for me, is when my father pulled my siblings and I out of school, aiming to teach us well because he graduated from the best university in the country, he wanted us to be replicates of him. And to be fair, I respect that he wanted us to have a good future, hence why he wanted to homeschool us but he did it so wrong.. at least for me.

He'd yell at me daily, abuse me verbally and physically which both gradually ruined my mental health and that is why I'm here. I used to have ambition, at the start of this abuse but over the years, that ambition inside of me drained away and now I'm left with nothing. I had the motivation to improve myself but I can't do it anymore.

Because of this, I usually stay at home all day. My siblings look down on me, my father too, they constantly remind me of how much of a failure that I am, something that they did for many years.

My siblings are now successful in life while I am… a failure.

This sucks. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I understand how painful it is.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I'm sorry that your mother is compounding your suffering in this way. The lack of compassion and empathy is difficult to hear. I'm sorry that you have to deal with being compared to others. It's cruel.

I completely relate to your lack of desire to enter the workforce. It's so frustrating how doing so is thrust upon us. From an early age we are coerced into the maintenance of a world we don't feel a part of. "What do you want to do when you grow up?" It's rarely what we actually want. People don't actually care about our wants, or lack thereof.

If it's any consolation, I feel you have all right to move through the world as you wish. You are not the only person that feels this way. Have you heard of the "let it rot" (bai lan) trend in China? Many young people there have the same sentiment. Why work? Why do all this? Let's let it rot. This is connected to the "lying flat" (tang ping) trend earlier - a passive-aggressive slacker culture.

 

[sserafim]

I'm sorry that your mother is compounding your suffering in this way. The lack of compassion and empathy is difficult to hear. I'm sorry that you have to deal with being compared to others. It's cruel.

I completely relate to your lack of desire to enter the workforce. It's so frustrating how doing so is thrust upon us. From an early age we are coerced into the maintenance of a world we don't feel a part of. "What do you want to do when you grow up?" It's rarely what we actually want. People don't actually care about our wants, or lack thereof.

If it's any consolation, I feel you have all right to move through the world as you wish. You are not the only person that feels this way. Have you heard of the "let it rot" (bai lan) trend in China? Many young people there have the same sentiment. Why work? Why do all this? Let's let it rot. This is connected to the "lying flat" (tang ping) trend earlier - a passive-aggressive slacker culture.

Yeah I hate the fact that from a young age, we're expected to want to work and know what we want to do already. I hate this pipeline that we all have to participate in and that the world runs on: be born, school, work, get old, die. I remember people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I didn't have an answer because I didn't want to be anything. I never saw myself as an actual adult and I never had a dream job or career. It's sad that the other kids looked forward to growing up though, they were so excited for adulthood and becoming an adult and finally having "independence". They only looked at adulthood through rose-tinted glasses and were fed a lie, they were deceived. I never wanted to grow up or be independent, I hate the fact that I was forced into adulthood bc of the passage of time.

I've heard about tang ping and bai lan. It's nice to know that other people, even people halfway around the world, have the same sentiment and feelings as me. I think the US also had a similar trend as well (quiet quitting), but I think it died down. I feel like for me it's less socially acceptable though because I live in America, the most capitalist country in the world. Everyone is expected to be productive and work until they die. There's such a hustle culture in the US, it's the capitalist rat race. People take pride in working, they base their self-worth off of it. I wish that we wouldn't have these expectations and obligations imposed onto us. We're literally in the 21st century and the fact that the majority of us are still enslaved and have to work for a living baffles me. You would think that humanity would've advanced beyond the point of having to work for and earn a living anymore…

 

[nood11]

Ugh idk why I decided to go to my sister's family weekend. She goes to an Ivy League and my mom is like "people are going to ask about you. What do you want me to tell them? That you stay at home all day? You're a disappointment. I wish you would do something with your life." I failed to launch after college but also a factor in it is that I didn't want to launch either. Like I don't want to do anything.

I wanted to go to see the campus of that college but ugh it's kind of annoying that my mom called me a failure…but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society. And people will be curious about me and ask me what I'm doing, that's true. Compared to everyone else (Ivy League high achievers and their families) I'll seem like even more of a failure…

I'm sorry for your mom's hurtful words. None of us asked to be born, but here we are. We're forced to participate in life at least at a basic level. We all have to eat, drink, shave, shower, use the bathroom, buy and fix food, etc. For those of us who don't want to be here life is very hard because it forces you to participate.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

You are not the failure, but your mother is.

Your mother is a failure because she could never understand you. She sent you into this world to suffer and make you feel inferior to people with successful lives.

If she helped your sister get into Ivy League, why not you?

Did she give birth to you to care for you or to humiliate you in front of others?

Even if you haven't done much in your life, at least you've done more than your mother. Because all your mother does is sit idly by.

Comparing yourself to Ivy League people? Huh, it's like a homeless person comparing themselves to a billionaire.
Ivy League only proves that college is for status, not for knowledge. Education is supposed to be a right, not a business.
Even in the third world, we have to spend a lot of money to suffer through useless professors.
Even in the third world, people criticize you for not having a university education, calling you a failure when ironically you can earn just as much as someone with a university degree by simply selling hamburgers.

If one day they ask you why you're not doing anything, tell them it's thanks to your mother.
Because your situation reflects how much your mother has cared about you...

 

[sserafim]

You are not the failure, but your mother is.

Your mother is a failure because she could never understand you. She sent you into this world to suffer and make you feel inferior to people with successful lives.

If she helped your sister get into Ivy League, why not you?

Did she give birth to you to care for you or to humiliate you in front of others?

Even if you haven't done much in your life, at least you've done more than your mother. Because all your mother does is sit idly by.

Comparing yourself to Ivy League people? Huh, it's like a homeless person comparing themselves to a billionaire.
Ivy League only proves that college is for status, not for knowledge. Education is supposed to be a right, not a business.
Even in the third world, we have to spend a lot of money to suffer through useless professors.
Even in the third world, people criticize you for not having a university education, calling you a failure when ironically you can earn just as much as someone with a university degree by simply selling hamburgers.

If one day they ask you why you're not doing anything, tell them it's thanks to your mother.
Because your situation reflects how much your mother has cared about you...

I went to a school equivalent to the Ivy League and I already feel like a failure compared to my peers…they're out there making something out of themselves and having successful careers and bright futures. Imagine how much of a failure I'd feel when I'm compared to Ivy Leaguers. But the fact is that I don't want a career or to have to enter the workforce or working world, it's more like my parents and society expect me to. My parents want me to have a successful career and future but I just don't see the point in it. I honestly think that all of this is just pointless and absurd and there's no point in working/slaving away for 50 years when you're going to die in the end anyways. There's no point to all of this…

Honestly I never even wanted to be in this absurd world in the first place. If I had a choice I would've never even been born! I hate the fact that I was born, I didn't even get a chance or choice to consent to it or not. I hate this world too and the pipeline everyone has to go through. I never want to enter adulthood or the working world! I never want to enter old age either. I just hate this system society set up for everyone to follow (born, school, work, die). It's so meaningless and pointless. We're all slaves to the system, a system I never even wanted to be part of in the first place.

 

[Gonnerr]

Family gathering with over achievers is really bad , that's why i only saw my family a handful of time in the last few years.

I prefer to stay home alone at Christmas or go to one friend i got who is in the same situation. I know i cannot stand those gathering and won't ever be back attending those even though they will put pressure on me to show up.

 

[lachrymost]

Your mom is being a bitch imo. She should be happy she gets a single Ivy League child.

I feel bad for my mom when her friends and family ask about her kids, since we are both losers who have not achieved anything. No jobs, no school (neither of us even finished high school), no anything. I have a boyfriend, which is quite the accomplishment for me admittedly, but that's it. My sister hasn't really left our parents' basement in a decade, and she doesn't even talk to them. Lmao it's actually crazy how sad it is that Mom has to white lie or tapdance around the subject.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I went to a school equivalent to the Ivy League and I already feel like a failure compared to my peers…they're out there making something out of themselves and having successful careers and bright futures. Imagine how much of a failure I'd feel when I'm compared to Ivy Leaguers. But the fact is that I don't want a career or to have to enter the workforce or working world, it's more like my parents and society expect me to. My parents want me to have a successful career and future but I just don't see the point in it. I honestly think that all of this is just pointless and absurd and there's no point in working/slaving away for 50 years when you're going to die in the end anyways. There's no point to all of this…

Honestly I never even wanted to be in this absurd world in the first place. If I had a choice I would've never even been born! I hate the fact that I was born, I didn't even get a chance or choice to consent to it or not. I hate this world too and the pipeline everyone has to go through. I never want to enter adulthood or the working world! I never want to enter old age either. I just hate this system society set up for everyone to follow (born, school, work, die). It's so meaningless and pointless. We're all slaves to the system, a system I never even wanted to be part of in the first place.

I see. Essentially, you have to live in a competitive environment where everyone competes to see who will be successful.
But instead of following the same path as society, you chose to go in a different direction. You didn't want to be like everyone else; you wanted to be yourself.
That's great; you know that belonging to the elite won't guarantee your happiness. However, your parents and the capitalist society of a tumultuous city are not capable of understanding that you and others see the world differently, and in the end, they make us suffer.

If I were you, I wouldn't hesitate to get out of that horrible place. Maybe I would find a job, even if I don't like it, to earn money, and with that money, I would escape to a third-world country, at least to cut off communication with those people and plan how to leave this world without anyone getting in my way. Or I would go to a forest to die surrounded by nature.
But well, your situation is almost like having a wall in front of you.
I'm just giving dumb ideas.

 

[Blue Elephant]

You are only a "failure" based on their concepts.

Exactly! @ifeelthelight develop your own concepts, or live without any. It's your choice!

but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society.

It's not true!

I am… a failure.

I don't agree with you either!

People take pride in working

Indoctrination works!

Family gathering with over achievers is really bad

No, it's not! I'm always honest and proud that I walked my own path. I haven't worked in four years, I enjoyed life as much as I could. It was beautiful, while it lasted. I couldn't have made a better choice.

 

[carac]

Fuck them, fuck them all. I am a complete failure and just one big heap of wasted potential. But I have learned one thing, the people that you really need in your life don't care about all that, they will like you for you. And the people that do care about that stuff, well you are better off without them.

Find something that can add value to your life and make you feel valuable, you have nothing to prove to anyone.

I may be a waste of a life but I try to help in little ways, I volunteer with old folks, in a couple of weeks I'm donating blood. If I see someone is lonely I will reach out despite my social anxiety.

Even by posting here you are adding value more than you know, you may be comforting someone distressed or on their way out.

 

[sserafim]

Fuck them, fuck them all. I am a complete failure and just one big heap of wasted potential. But I have learned one thing, the people that you really need in your life don't care about all that, they will like you for you. And the people that do care about that stuff, well you are better off without them.

Find something that can add value to your life and make you feel valuable, you have nothing to prove to anyone.

I may be a waste of a life but I try to help in little ways, I volunteer with old folks, in a couple of weeks I'm donating blood. If I see someone is lonely I will reach out despite my social anxiety.

Even by posting here you are adding value more than you know, you may be comforting someone distressed or on their way out.

That's how my family sees me, as wasted potential…but I honestly don't want to do anything with my life though. I never even wanted to reach adulthood or become an adult. I don't want a job or career or to enter the workforce and work for a living. I don't want to have to participate in society. My family wants me to eventually be independent and on my own, and I just don't feel ready for the responsibilities of adult life. Life as an adult also sounds so depressing, I'd hate to have to pay bills and taxes and shit. The responsibilities, demands, and obligations of adulthood sound overwhelming to me. I wish I could be a kid again…I never even wanted to grow up in the first place

 

[deathviahanging]

Ugh idk why I decided to go to my sister's family weekend. She goes to an Ivy League and my mom is like "people are going to ask about you. What do you want me to tell them? That you stay at home all day? You're a disappointment. I wish you would do something with your life." I failed to launch after college but also a factor in it is that I didn't want to launch either. Like I don't want to do anything.

I wanted to go to see the campus of that college but ugh it's kind of annoying that my mom called me a failure…but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society. And people will be curious about me and ask me what I'm doing, that's true. Compared to everyone else (Ivy League high achievers and their families) I'll seem like even more of a failure…

there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do anything you aren't a failure for not wanting to participate in life, living doesn't really require you to do anything so you can't really "fail" it, those who have achieved something just decided to dedicate their life to a cause but you don't have to do that, being alive is more than enough even the little things count as achievements, there isn't anything wrong with just wanting to exist, or not wanting to at all

 

[MeltingBrain]

Ugh idk why I decided to go to my sister's family weekend. She goes to an Ivy League and my mom is like "people are going to ask about you. What do you want me to tell them? That you stay at home all day? You're a disappointment. I wish you would do something with your life." I failed to launch after college but also a factor in it is that I didn't want to launch either. Like I don't want to do anything.

I wanted to go to see the campus of that college but ugh it's kind of annoying that my mom called me a failure…but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society. And people will be curious about me and ask me what I'm doing, that's true. Compared to everyone else (Ivy League high achievers and their families) I'll seem like even more of a failure…

I know how you feel . In a group setting people share their shiny degrees and glamorous job titles while you have something very underwhelming to say. It can get awkward and embarassing . I have been in this situation . Your mother calling you a "disappointment " is really driving the nail even further .

This sucks...thats why I never attend family gatherings or functions, everyone asks how is it going, I just wanna shout why tf do you care.

To be fair, I think most people are just curious than judgemental when they ask that question . Although it can lead to an embarrassing situation if you have something very underwhelming to say .

 

[Immensevoid]

You're not a failure just because you feel to not belong to the standards and objectives of this society. Your posts make me think that you are a very smart person with a brilliant and different mentality from that generally widespread in society but this absolutely does not make you a failure, quite the opposite. The fact that you have not achieved goals after college does not make you inferior to ANYONE, this only indicates that no one should be forced to participate in a path already paved by society but rather to give space to people who think and feel differently than that the world imposes on us.
It is time that people stopped measuring the value of a person based on what they achieve in life because this closed circuit that they impose on us is not always suitable for all people in the world and it is very sad and selfish that we are forced to participate in something that it makes us feel this way :/
However, I'm in the same situation as you, so remember you're not alone in this fight we face daily. I spent years hating myself for this too but now I don't anymore because I understood how the reality of things is, I know my personal life story and what brought me here and I don't feel "less" for this anymore.
And I hope that this situation will be less painful for you too.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I'm sorry your mother said that to you. I enjoy your presence on here, you are very well-spoken, intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. Not being ready to launch doesn't make you a failure. Some people take more time, that's perfectly okay. Or at least it should be, if society was more humanistic and empathetic with its expectations. I imagine being surrounded by such high expectations and stereotypical success is especially daunting in that situation. I can honestly relate, being completely dysfunctional, depressed, and suicidal while at a super rigorous college where everyone else seems to have their shit together flawlessly. I don't have an answer, but know that you're not alone

 

[haibane]

My dad started calling me a failure/disappointment when i was a kid. It feel horrible to be called that (even if its true for me). Im so sorry ure going through that too, and i hope u will get through that. Good luck and hope u will find peace

 

[dragonofenvy]

I was compared to my sisters too. Now I don't even contact my family anymore and I haven't heard from them in months. Both my sisters went to college to become teachers. One is engaged, the other is married. I work at a metal casting plant and am probably never going to go on a date with anyone let alone get married. I get pestered with "do you have a girlfriend yet?" by my mom a lot. Then I get asked when I'm gonna move on with my casting job and good a "respected job." My dad is fine with whatever I do, but I still feel bad that he became a police officer, a model police officer in fact. He got to help people and I just make cup holder frames.

I fully understand how you feel about not wanting to enter the workforce. Having everyone put you down worsens it. I don't think they realize that the more they call you a failure, the more you actually become one. If they gave some encouragement instead of berating you, let you love your own life instead of the life they want to force you to live, I bet things would've turned out differently.

I hope one day you can find a purpose. It doesn't need to be a job, just something that you can be proud of doing. Something you can do for yourself, others be damned.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Your mother shouldn't have said that to you. That's not encouraging at all. She should be proud that you graduated from college, a top-tier one too, all the while dealing with your issues. Lots of young people flounder after college. Some don't even manage to graduate at all.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Brutal.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Ugh idk why I decided to go to my sister's family weekend. She goes to an Ivy League and my mom is like "people are going to ask about you. What do you want me to tell them? That you stay at home all day? You're a disappointment. I wish you would do something with your life." I failed to launch after college but also a factor in it is that I didn't want to launch either. Like I don't want to do anything.

I wanted to go to see the campus of that college but ugh it's kind of annoying that my mom called me a failure…but the saddest thing is that it's true, I haven't done anything after college but it's bc I don't want to enter the workforce or working world. I don't want to participate in society. And people will be curious about me and ask me what I'm doing, that's true. Compared to everyone else (Ivy League high achievers and their families) I'll seem like even more of a failure…

Seriously, I would refuse to be judged by other people's standards.
Society is designed to make us feel like failures if we don't play the game and become so-called " successful " people.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Still, unless you have at least somewhat immediate CTB plans, it's in your interest to at least meet the normie world halfway and be engaged in something.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Yeah I hate the fact that from a young age, we're expected to want to work and know what we want to do already. I hate this pipeline that we all have to participate in and that the world runs on: be born, school, work, get old, die. I remember people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I didn't have an answer because I didn't want to be anything. I never saw myself as an actual adult and I never had a dream job or career. It's sad that the other kids looked forward to growing up though, they were so excited for adulthood and becoming an adult and finally having "independence". They only looked at adulthood through rose-tinted glasses and were fed a lie, they were deceived. I never wanted to grow up or be independent, I hate the fact that I was forced into adulthood bc of the passage of time.

I've heard about tang ping and bai lan. It's nice to know that other people, even people halfway around the world, have the same sentiment and feelings as me. I think the US also had a similar trend as well (quiet quitting), but I think it died down. I feel like for me it's less socially acceptable though because I live in America, the most capitalist country in the world. Everyone is expected to be productive and work until they die. There's such a hustle culture in the US, it's the capitalist rat race. People take pride in working, they base their self-worth off of it. I wish that we wouldn't have these expectations and obligations imposed onto us. We're literally in the 21st century and the fact that the majority of us are still enslaved and have to work for a living baffles me. You would think that humanity would've advanced beyond the point of having to work for and earn a living anymore…

I'm curious if there's any sort of work, volunteering, etc. that would feel fulfilling to you? Maybe something where the work contributes to something bigger than yourself, or something that helps others while also helping yourself? I considered medical research for a while, because even if the work drained me, at least it contributes to something objectively worthwhile. But at this point, after assisting in labs for about a year now as an undergrad, I realize I don't have the thinking power, learning capacity, or reliability to effectively lead a research project. Now, I'm considering some sort of clinical psychology, or maybe teaching/school psychology; I love my psych classes, and working with kiddos, so these feel more feasible while also fulfilling. It wouldn't feel so much like grueling work to get over, but rather a purpose.
Is there anything, any idea at all, that could potentially feel like this to you? Anything that gives you a bit of satisfaction?
What did you major in? What classes did you enjoy in college, if any?

(But with this, it's totally valid to feel how you do, and relatable. Our culture places so much emphasis on a career, it's easy to place our value into what we do and our productivity. I've felt a similar burn out, and really had to dig to find something I may enjoy. And it's okay if you truly can't think of anything at this time; your value exists beyond a career or interests. I just find this fun to explore with people, to find their values and dreams. Feel free to ignore this if it feels demeaning, or you just aren't up for it. I wish you all the best regardless)