kinda same tbh. although its more horrible thoughts than saying horrible things usually because i try to keep everything to myself as much as possible but sometimes they happen. its worse when its horrible thoughts about my friends though. like an incident i had where a friend ignored my dm while i could see they were online (if they're offline it still hurts but not like as much really but like still i get worried about when theyre gonna reply and like im obsessively checking every so often to see if theyve replied and worrying about what theyre gonna say) and then i just decided she was actually the worst person ever and i wrote a whole rant on how much i hated her on notepad because i logged off of discord so as to avoid a fight cus i'd probably get ganged up on which would make me feel worse. every time i go back and read that it reminds me how awful i am and like if that happens at the wrong time i might do something bad idk.
like i've had multiple friendgroups end because i overreact to an argument and decide that either they hate me or i hate them so i just blow up on them and leave. ngl nothing has been as bad as my current friendgroup though because im usually somewhat closed off from them but recent events forced it open and now im like too attached to them and i hate it. i hate feeling jealous and thinking bad things when theyre having fun without me. One time one of them was chatting to someone else and my brain decided the other person was clearly trying to replace me and i got so jealous and angry that i threw up. Also recently a friend had a grandparent die and my brain had bad thoughts about needing to do something because they were getting too much attention compared to me and i hate it.
i wish i could be normal. how long is it until i do something and hurt these people? and like what the fuck will i do when theyre gone? im nothing without them my entire life is based around them they are literally fucking everything to me. i would fucking die without them i can barely be without them during the day. i can kinda accept it cus theyre not online much even if i fucking hate it aslong as we get to vc at the end of the day (when that doesnt happen my mood gets very bad lmao) but like idk earlier today one of them said the other wanted to vc and i waited like 5 minutes and heard nothing from the other and i could like feel myself start to spiral and worry that she hates me and doesnt wanna talk to me and wants to leave me and i gave in and was like "where is she" and he was like "Bruh it was just 10 mins" and idk how to explain to him how exactly those minutes felt lmao.
the worst bit was when they had a meetup recently and thus were online less and there were no VCs and it was genuinely the worst fucking week of my life all i could do was just sit and watch movies and cycle through periods of depression, anger, and jealousy. i hate it. i really wanna tell them exactly how insane i am and leave them cus theyd be better without me but like i cant bring myself to do it i cant leave them. I forced myself to be away from them for 12 hours yesterday because i decided i needed to be punished for making them worry too much about me with something i said (probably cus i wanted attention) and it was genuinely fucking hell. i cant take that every day. i cant take them hating me. i wanna be normal. this rant was longer than i intended but in my defense im drunk rn and i have a habit of rambling because autism/adhd (its one of them idk which). sorry.
