Venting i'm a bad person, i hate myself

[akira.kewl]

I can't go into detail because I feel a lot of guilt and shame for it obviously. The problem is that it's not so simple as "forgive and forget", because I'm not just talking about things I have done. I'm talking about things I actively do, things that are a core part of my identity and personality. Things that I can't change or am not willing to. Every day I'm anxious that the few people who like me will find out something about me and grow to hate me.

I don't care much for other people, their unwellbeing is nothing but an inconvenience, that's the only reason i act nice. but their opinion matters to me anyway. I still want people to love and care for me. but I don't, because I hate myself, it hurts to have someone care for me because I don't believe them and I don't want to be a burden. I feel guilty that they're wasting their time on me. I don't want to rely on anyone, I want to be my own person without letting anyone else dictate my beliefs and behaviors, but I cant live without the support of others either. I've done horrible things to others for my own gain that I live in constant guilt for, but I know I'd do it again and worse if given the opportunity.

All of my beliefs are contradictory and I view myself as being above needing to bother with solving cognitive dissonance. Yet I'm not that much of a narcissist, because again, I loathe everything about myself. I'm an incredibly anxious and insecure person, but as soon as someone gives me the validation to stand on, my ego shoots through the roof and suddenly I'm way above them. Yet I still know I'd be nothing without them, and it slams back down.

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else, but I know it wouldn't change anything. Maybe I just want a fresh start, but I know that won't help, since I'd do it all again. I never really know what I want, my entire sense of self is so incredibly unstable, the only stable thing about me is my hatred for certain others who have wronged me. I fantasize about being violent towards them, I think about the power I hold having sensitive information about them. The only thing stopping me from doing anything is that people would hate me, and yk the law and stuff.

Idk it's hard to put what im feeling into words, hopefully somebody will just understand the feeling that you want to escape your own skin. That youre rotting from the inside out. That you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The worst part is I cant be bothered to change, I can't accept help, I'm just gonna stay this way forever. It's hard to become a better person when you have no solid moral compass to give you the strength to do anything. It's hard to change the inner parts of you when they're already crumbling, when you're already in pain and burnt out just from waking up each day. It's hard to treat others well when they can't even treat you well, nor can you yourself.

Idk. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's all so confusing and complicated. I hate it. I hate me. I want to die

I want to die

 

[madeincruddy]

I understand. The things I've done started in childhood and seeped into my current life and cannot be effectively undone without causing a massive amount of pain to the people around me. It's one of my reasons to CTB. I'm much too weak to handle those consequences. If I could I'd go back and undo the little things that started it all, but there's no way. I feel like the only thing I can do for the world is die so nobody else will have the misfortune of meeting me.