Venting I'm 22 and will kill myself if I don't fucking transition. I'm so tired of acting and playing a role.

[pharma]

The media is obsessed with trans women but no one ever fucking talks about how isolating it is to be transmasc and in the closet. It's the misogyny of people saying I'm crazy because apparently I'm biologically incapably of making my own decisions or that I'm a "confused lesbian". And on the other hand, it is coupled with the misandry that I only want to be a man because 'it's the winning team' or, in the words of other LGB "allies" that transmascs have it easy because of "male privilege." I don't want to be a boy. I don't want short hair. I don't want to wear "boy clothes." I AM a boy. I go out every day in drag and feel like a freak. I hate my fucking life. I've been thinking about how so many in people in my family have died to cancer, lupus, MS-what if I fucking drop dead from a brain bleed tomorrow? I don't want to be buried in a dress. I'm 22 and I've never even jerked off because I hate the shape of my body so much it's impossible to derive pleasure from it. I just want to die and rip my body apart. I'm so embarrassed of my self that I can't even befriend other boys because I'm too girly, and talking to girls feels impossible because there's 5,000 social rules I have to balance in my head.

My mother called me hideous and a "monster" the only time in my life where I cut my hair (when I was 20) and that fucking destroyed myself esteem. She tells me that queers should be killed and fucking shows me anti-LGBT content and rambles about how I'm being brainwashed by university (the university that is being ran by conservatives in a RED states). I feel like I've lost my entire life. I can't keep living like this. I remember when I started puberty earlier than everyone else and my first thought was "I need to kill myself" and tried to (or at least as much as a ten year old can try to kill themselves). I have a vague hope that one day things will turn out okay, that I will be depressed and a real man, but I think that's just another role I'm playing.

 

[chernobylmosqut]

That's just straight up abuse. Being also 22 and trans masc I understand completely. How possible is moving for you? Here in Mass transitioning is protected, more accepted, and completely covered by Masshealth. Obviously moving is a huge deal and not at all easy, I only moved back because I lost my job and house and had nothing to lose, and I also knew a few people. But between ending your life and going through a major life change like that, I think it's worth a shot if you're that desperate.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

No, you being a man is not a role you are playing, it's who you are, your mother is a monster with 0 empathy. I'm sorry dude. Why are people so hateful, I don't even know what to call it, pure abuse and hate?

On one hand it's misogyny because they think that women in general are confused and incapable, it's misandry because their idea of manhood is fucked and it's transphobia because everyone rejects the fact that you were always a man.

It's disgusting. Also the depression is not a role you are playing either, it's the circumstances of a sick society that has lead you down this path, I'm sorry

 

[KlMeNw]

What is Transmasc?