I don't want to celebrate the new year. I don't want to make it to another decade. I don't want this life, I don't want to be cared for, I want to be done. I have lost myself. I'm so numb and can shed no tears. I picture my death as it deserving to be in this year and in this timeline. I am hopeful that tonight I will successfully ctb via partial. If I return for any SI, which I hope to fight with drugs.. I will officially give in to one of my two other options that require more financial strain which is just big right now. Regardless, I know not many people hold faith in this method, but knowing my own personal limits, how I picture personally going, I would really like it to be this way. Practice has given me enough of an idea. Im going to spend today deleting things, organizing what I can. I know nobody really cares that much but I just desperately wanted a place to write my thoughts down.
woxihuanni
Illuminated
- Aug 19, 2019
- 3,299
Your thoughts are always welcome here. I truly hope you find the peace you deserve no matter how.
charlie_z
Student
- Apr 30, 2018
- 184
I recognize that we don't know one another, but I do care. I care because your thoughts and feelings parallel many of my own. I'm glad you're at least able to vent and consequently share your thoughts and feelings. When I find others that are struggling that way I am, I feel a little less alone. It may not be enough to change the underlying problem(s), but for me at least, it lets me know I'm not alone, that I'm not a deviant anomaly. maybealreadydead, I hope that whatever path you finally decide on will bring you relief. My thoughts are with you.
Well I did not end up having the opportunity as a bunch of shit went down and I wasn't able to be home. So I went to try today instead, had a total melt down and a chance. But no meds to prevent si. And i chose to try, it fast, but the moment my legs began to tingle I felt this unreal fear of unknown I guess, I managed to loosened it off me and stood up straight and then felt myself sharply begin to go out likely maybe the siphon effect I have read about? My neck is a bit sore. It was a little scary admittedly coming to and I feel really dizzy and weird. I am really sad and ashamed that I couldn't do it. I will keep trying though, although there are other methods, I do believe with the right combo of meds this will work for me soon. I was not ready for the new year. I'm fucking so not. Here's to getting black out drunk for the time being though i guess.
