MyDeath88
Stairs to the stairs to the stairs to the stairs
- Jun 25, 2024
- 14
Besides the fact that I'm neurodivergent/something is deeply wrong with me, so much of connecting with others is hinged on an equal exchange of information. "What about your life, your family, friends, hobbies, feelings, work etc." From the most basic introduction to the deepest intimate relationship you can have, you're going to be expected to tell something about yourself as everyone has told you, or you'll be seen as quite weird, from boring at best to untrustworthy and unfaithful at worst. Problem is that I really can't talk about my life in detail for several reasons.
One is that I just kinda suck lol. Even the most basic stuff about my family would have me wading through trauma dumping territory, I don't/can't have friends (anymore), I don't really have hobbies because I disassociate in my off time, I hate my current occupation but will never leave as it's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself and the longest I have gone in my life without any si is about 2 months. This is genuinely it, I don't have more to share about myself than this. Luckily I'm an impulsive liar and will just make up shit unprompted when the situation calls for it, and so I've lied about my life to everyone I've ever known. I've never slipped up, I'm quite good at tracking the multiple stories I've construed, but in the end it's like a Mr. Bean cardboard cutout of a house that isn't really there. It's unfathomably shallow, and so by extension are all the "relationships" I've acquired in my life so far.
Another reason is that I simply can't; I've been explicitly raised to not do so. My mother was someone deeply emotionally volatile and would lash out on a whim. She would specifically hurt me to make herself feel better, and was absolutely obsessed with "winning" every battle she fought with me, no matter how low she had to go. Blame your child for the death of their father? Accuse them of secretly wanting to be raped by their brother because they hang out a lot? When they express the feeling of not enjoying life, give them a knife and goad them into stabbing themselves? Nothing's off the able. Any and every inkling of personal data she gained would be warped and turned around to thoroughly destroy my self worth. It was just expected. To me it seemed natural. Any information you lay bare to the world, no matter how small, can and will be used against you in horrible ways, so why even let it happen in the first place? And thus I shut myself off when I was 10 or so, and that was that. To this day it's still wild to me that most people can confide freely in their parents, or their friends, or their lovers and whatnot. Just something so alien that I'll never understand it. Though I often wish that I could.
One is that I just kinda suck lol. Even the most basic stuff about my family would have me wading through trauma dumping territory, I don't/can't have friends (anymore), I don't really have hobbies because I disassociate in my off time, I hate my current occupation but will never leave as it's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself and the longest I have gone in my life without any si is about 2 months. This is genuinely it, I don't have more to share about myself than this. Luckily I'm an impulsive liar and will just make up shit unprompted when the situation calls for it, and so I've lied about my life to everyone I've ever known. I've never slipped up, I'm quite good at tracking the multiple stories I've construed, but in the end it's like a Mr. Bean cardboard cutout of a house that isn't really there. It's unfathomably shallow, and so by extension are all the "relationships" I've acquired in my life so far.
Another reason is that I simply can't; I've been explicitly raised to not do so. My mother was someone deeply emotionally volatile and would lash out on a whim. She would specifically hurt me to make herself feel better, and was absolutely obsessed with "winning" every battle she fought with me, no matter how low she had to go. Blame your child for the death of their father? Accuse them of secretly wanting to be raped by their brother because they hang out a lot? When they express the feeling of not enjoying life, give them a knife and goad them into stabbing themselves? Nothing's off the able. Any and every inkling of personal data she gained would be warped and turned around to thoroughly destroy my self worth. It was just expected. To me it seemed natural. Any information you lay bare to the world, no matter how small, can and will be used against you in horrible ways, so why even let it happen in the first place? And thus I shut myself off when I was 10 or so, and that was that. To this day it's still wild to me that most people can confide freely in their parents, or their friends, or their lovers and whatnot. Just something so alien that I'll never understand it. Though I often wish that I could.
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