Venting i'll never fit in, i'll always be alone

[nails]

i've been feeling more apathetic recently. it's better than constant distress, but i still hate it. i don't know if it's genuine apathy or just distraction, but i don't think it matters.
i wish i could do something without feeling worse. when i'm not working, i'm just bedrotting and i can't stand it. there's nothing to do. i live with my brothers and they spend their off days with their friends; i can't do that and it makes me feel horrible. everyone just annoys me. up until last week, i would talk to anyone because i'm lonely. even if i hated talking to the person, i did it anyway because i felt insane if i didn't. my feelings are still the same, but i just can't talk to anyone. i now feel really hypocritical and ungrateful. i keep sighing about loneliness, but i've stopped forcing myself to talk to people. i'm just so exhausted. i'm still extremely lonely and crave interaction, but this all so annoying and useless. the people i talk to aren't even interested in me, i don't think any of them particularly like me, and our conversations are annoying. that used to be good enough to make me feel less insane, but now it's not and i no longer have the energy to engage in that shit.
i don't know if any of this makes sense, i've been scatterbrained for some time now.

my boss randomly asked me about my friends. he wasn't being weird, he regularly strikes up super random conversations with people. he started by asking me who i've gotten close to at our job, and i didn't have an answer. i kinda stuttered for a while, almost mentioned a few people, but eventually just answered honestly and said that i hadn't made any friends there. after that, he asked if i had any friends at all (he asked it in a nicer, less straightforward manner than that, ofc). again, i just said no. i felt bad, things seemed kinda awkward after that. i tried to laugh about it, but i'm sure my hurt was still visible. i'm not saying he did anything wrong, but the conversation made me really sad. this isn't even the first time that someone randomly asked me if i had friends; i just don't understand. maybe i give off a really pathetic aura. it's so awkward every single time and it just makes me feel like shit. it just reminds me of how abnormal i am compared to the vast majority of people. whenever i mention my experiences and current situations, i'm just met with confusion and borderline disbelief. i feel so alienated from people and it's so hard to reach out. i just can't relate to anyone. the fee people i can relate to are all on this site and those friendships don't work out for a number of reasons. a lot of the people who swear that they understand what i'm going through are usually mistaken. they always end up saying things that demonstrate that they clearly misunderstood what i said. i can't really blame anyone, i'm only getting worse at articulating my thoughts and my worst problems are quite specific.

 

[Kokonoe]

i can relate to what you're saying.

i'm nearly completely alone myself. i also feel like im going insane when i have no one to talk to or no one to see. 95% of my time i am alone with no one and nothing, only broken up once a week when my sister visits. but some weeks when she can't visit (like this one), it just feels horrible to have nothing to look forward to, and to know i am going to be alone for a whole week straight at least. i just end up rotting in bed, unable to do anything, and trying to just sleep the week away.

despite how horrible it feels to be so isolated, i also can't keep up with being social, either. it's so hard. i'm somewhat to blame for my own isolation right now. the few people i had to talk to i drifted from because i just couldn't keep up, it was too much.

everyone i talk to also isn't really interested in talking to me either, i know how that feels too and it really does hurt. i'm just too worthless to talk to or to care about.

hope things get better for you.