if you're mentally ill, can you trust your judgement / gut instinct?

[wildflowers1996]

hi,
I am just having such a crisis of conscience and idk if here is the right place to post - basically because I think people are probably too nice to me, too understanding, and maybe I'm posting here because I want people to reassure me? so please try to be honest with me if you can, because if I have done something bad I need to know the truth

I feel like I am a bad person, and it bothers me SO much that I can't know for sure - because I'm not omniscient, I'm not in possession of all of the facts, and being mentally ill, I feel that I have lost trust in my judgement - I don't THINK it is just my mental illness making me feel like a bad person, I'm pretty sure I have done something bad

I keep thinking about some things that I did a while ago. I think when I did them, I was confused, like I am now - I think I did wonder if what I was doing was wrong - but I did these things anyway. Another part of me didn't feel it was wrong - I believed I was retaliating against someone for hurting me really deeply. Now, I don't think there was enough reason for me to retaliate, and my reaction was out of proportion. I also wasn't in possession of all of the facts at the time - and still am not.

Trying to be as objective as possible, this is what I believe:
- I am mostly in the wrong, but the other person's behaviour was hurtful (though unintentionally).
- I think my reaction was unreasonable, and I think I was partially aware of that, and though it's not an excuse, I think I did /believe/, on another level, this person had wronged me. Their behaviour - though not intended to - caused me a huge amount of pain. I had believed that their actions were not deliberately cruel - but instead, callous.
- They later apologised for what happened, for them to behave in the same way again. They also perhaps didn't really feel they had done much wrong, as they tried to defend their behaviour.
- If I were to explain the situation (which I believe would take too long to do, and I feel too ashamed) I feel most likely people's reaction would be "you were wrong, and you expected too much from this person. However I can see you were in a lot of pain".

from what I'm saying (and I know without me actually explaining what happened you can't really judge, but it's so complicated/difficult to explain) - does it /sound/ like I am a bad person? The thing that makes me feel even worse, is that I'm not even sure if I'm sorry enough? I don't even understand my own intentions/motivations for asking this question - I think I'm probably just hoping for some relief that I'm not as bad as I think I am - but in all honesty, I don't think that is the case? I think I probably /am/ bad?

There's a part of me saying /maybe/ I am being hard on myself, and that my mental illness is talking, but I think I am perhaps just using the mental illness as an excuse not to take accountability. But I really don't trust my judgement at this point

 

[PreCambrianBliss]

This seems like a scenario where therapy could be beneficial. They are paid not to make judgements and help you get a more objective and accurate view of yourself and figure out how to move forward.

That said, I think whether or not you were in the wrong it sounds like you are working to be a better person and understand your own thoughts and actions. It can be very hard to understand how our minds work and it may never happen. You just have to accept a level of uncertainty, do what you can to learn from the past, and apply it to the present.

I like to think about what a hypothetical person much wiser and kinder than myself would have done in the situation, it helps me see what I believe good values look like.

Ultimately it's easy to use emotions caused by situations like these to degrade your self image, but it's much more healthy and beneficial to yourself and the world to use it as motivation and experience to grow

 

[hi-okbye]

i don't think your a bad person. like you said it's hard to tell without knowing the whole context of the situation, but i'm not gonna push you to talk about it if you don't want to. if you don't want to say it here but you just wanna get it out somewhere, you can always d m me. i promise i'm not a judgmental person, i'll listen and give you my best advice.
other than that i don't think your inherently a bad person because of what you did. it doesn't really sound like it at all. we all do things in the spur of the moment/our emotions. i'm glad the person apologized but your emotions and pain are still real and were very much there. i wish i could help you out more it's just hard though when i don't know the whole context of the situation. the answer would change depending on what you did, i'm not gonna judge you at all, it would just change the advice that i give.
i hope you find some peace with what happened, good luck <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

It sounds like whatever it was was a misunderstsnding. I expect we've all had misunderstandings with people. Ultimately- you can't take back whatever you did but you can make sure you are in full possession of the facts before you react in future. It's hard to judge whether what you did was bad and overreacting without knowing what it was.

I guess I'd usually say talking to someone is the best course of action in a lot of cases. Confront them with what you think they did and how it upset you. It sounds like you already did that though and they don't think they're in the wrong.

I'm not so sure it's really about whether either of you are a 'bad' person. It sounds more like- you don't like the way they treated you and they don't see why you were upset by it. I guess it depends on how important this person is in your life. Maybe they treat all people that way. In which case- one of you has to make the adjustment. They ought to stop whatever it was because it upset you but- if they won't, you have to decide on how to view this relationship- are they going to be a fair weather friend who's behaviour irritates you on occasion?

It sounds more like you are sensitive rather than 'bad'. This person could also well be an arsehole! It's difficult to know without knowing what they did. Either way though, all you can do is apologise for how you retaliated- if it was really bad and maybe take a breath if in the future, you feel tempted to do it again.

 

[figurehead]

No, you're not a bad person. Unless you're lying about the whole thing. You wouldn't even feel worried or sorry if you were.
I'm bipolar myself and I believe there's no excuse for bad behaviour - meaning you can't put the blame of everything you do on an illness. Does it make you behave like shit, yes, but youu seem fully aware of having done sth 'bad" (it might even be sth bad but that's how it feels for you). Make amends if you think it's best for everyone. btw "being sorry enough" is not something you can measure. Heads up, whatever this is it certainly is not worth dying for.

 

[livinginsorrow]

hi,
I am just having such a crisis of conscience and idk if here is the right place to post - basically because I think people are probably too nice to me, too understanding, and maybe I'm posting here because I want people to reassure me? so please try to be honest with me if you can, because if I have done something bad I need to know the truth

I feel like I am a bad person, and it bothers me SO much that I can't know for sure - because I'm not omniscient, I'm not in possession of all of the facts, and being mentally ill, I feel that I have lost trust in my judgement - I don't THINK it is just my mental illness making me feel like a bad person, I'm pretty sure I have done something bad

I keep thinking about some things that I did a while ago. I think when I did them, I was confused, like I am now - I think I did wonder if what I was doing was wrong - but I did these things anyway. Another part of me didn't feel it was wrong - I believed I was retaliating against someone for hurting me really deeply. Now, I don't think there was enough reason for me to retaliate, and my reaction was out of proportion. I also wasn't in possession of all of the facts at the time - and still am not.

Trying to be as objective as possible, this is what I believe:
- I am mostly in the wrong, but the other person's behaviour was hurtful (though unintentionally).
- I think my reaction was unreasonable, and I think I was partially aware of that, and though it's not an excuse, I think I did /believe/, on another level, this person had wronged me. Their behaviour - though not intended to - caused me a huge amount of pain. I had believed that their actions were not deliberately cruel - but instead, callous.
- They later apologised for what happened, for them to behave in the same way again. They also perhaps didn't really feel they had done much wrong, as they tried to defend their behaviour.
- If I were to explain the situation (which I believe would take too long to do, and I feel too ashamed) I feel most likely people's reaction would be "you were wrong, and you expected too much from this person. However I can see you were in a lot of pain".

from what I'm saying (and I know without me actually explaining what happened you can't really judge, but it's so complicated/difficult to explain) - does it /sound/ like I am a bad person? The thing that makes me feel even worse, is that I'm not even sure if I'm sorry enough? I don't even understand my own intentions/motivations for asking this question - I think I'm probably just hoping for some relief that I'm not as bad as I think I am - but in all honesty, I don't think that is the case? I think I probably /am/ bad?

There's a part of me saying /maybe/ I am being hard on myself, and that my mental illness is talking, but I think I am perhaps just using the mental illness as an excuse not to take accountability. But I really don't trust my judgement at this point

honestly, i've been in a similar situation too. i think the simple fact that you are worrying you are a bad person shows you're not. bad people don't worry about stuff like that. you may have some regrets with how you acted in certain situations, but you can't take them back. i suppose the only way is forward and if you worry if those incidents were bad, try to evaluate what you would do differently in the future. doing bad things doesn't make you a fundamentally bad person. definitely try not to be hard on yourself because it is extremely difficult navigating through life the "right way" especially with mental illnesses. i hope you find peace with your past and are okay <3 here to talk if you need.

 

[wildflowers1996]

Thank you everyone so much for your kindness
I may be over sensitive idk but my gut is telling me this /was/ my fault and I feel so ashamed
What I also should have mentioned is that the person in question also struggles with their mental health and that may have influenced how they acted
I just don't feel I can forgive myself because I don't feel sorry enough. There's still a part of me that's just so, so hurt by this person but it's not actually their fault it's me expecting too much and me interpreting things wrong
I hate myself so much I really do think I am bad but I don't know how much control I have over it but I am just consumed with so, so much shame
I am also just doubting my own sanity

Thank you everyone so much for your kindness
I may be over sensitive idk but my gut is telling me this /was/ my fault and I feel so ashamed
What I also should have mentioned is that the person in question also struggles with their mental health and that may have influenced how they acted
I just don't feel I can forgive myself because I don't feel sorry enough. There's still a part of me that's just so, so hurt by this person but it's not actually their fault it's me expecting too much and me interpreting things wrong
I hate myself so much I really do think I am bad but I don't know how much control I have over it but I am just consumed with so, so much shame
I am also just doubting my own sanity

 

[livinginsorrow]

Thank you everyone so much for your kindness
I may be over sensitive idk but my gut is telling me this /was/ my fault and I feel so ashamed
What I also should have mentioned is that the person in question also struggles with their mental health and that may have influenced how they acted
I just don't feel I can forgive myself because I don't feel sorry enough. There's still a part of me that's just so, so hurt by this person but it's not actually their fault it's me expecting too much and me interpreting things wrong
I hate myself so much I really do think I am bad but I don't know how much control I have over it but I am just consumed with so, so much shame
I am also just doubting my own sanity

if it was your fault, then that's okay too. sometimes we do things we regret and we mess up. we're human. you're not alone in this. it's always hard when two mentally i'll people are going through it so you can't beat yourself up about it. it definitely sounds like a huge misunderstanding which unfortunately happens a lot ): i really don't think you're a bad person, especially with how much you're worried about this - bad people don't think like this. you seem really sweet x i hope you are eventually able to forgive yourself and let me know if there's anything i can do xoxo

 

[tiger b]

Is there some sort of time limit for you?

Maybe wait on this until you feel a bit more sure. Give yourself more time away from this. Time might bring more perspective.

Not sure whacking yourself with the 'I am a bad person stick' (TM moi) will bring that perspective now.

 

[PreCambrianBliss]

I just don't feel I can forgive myself because I don't feel sorry enough.

That seems like a totally normal response, at least to me. I often struggle with the same type of thoughts you're having. Just know it's impossible to simply "choose" what emotions to feel even if your logical side knows better. Don't beat yourself up over it, you're not insane and it's not your fault! Hugs

 

[wildflowers1996]

Thank you so much
I wish I could talk things over with them - if I knew /why/ they acted how they did, maybe it would be easier for me to feel sorry
but communication with them is so difficult. I don't know how much they care
I feel I'm either annoying them about it, because they don't care that much - and they don't want to invest time into talking about it
or - they do care, and they think I'm being mean by trying to talk about it, like I need to get over what happened - but the problem is, they never changed how they acted; I don't think they realise that how they are acting is /still/ hurting so much
But they also really seem to struggle with communication - they take so long to reply if I message them, then they say it's because they find communication difficult - and I feel so bad, because maybe that is true - but it also feels a bit like an excuse. They also don't like talking on the phone and I can't see them in person (long story)
Essentially I think the problem is is that I love them but they don't really care much about me. That's not their fault, but it hurts, and I can't move on for various reasons

 

[livinginsorrow]

i

Thank you so much
I wish I could talk things over with them - if I knew /why/ they acted how they did, maybe it would be easier for me to feel sorry
but communication with them is so difficult. I don't know how much they care
I feel I'm either annoying them about it, because they don't care that much - and they don't want to invest time into talking about it
or - they do care, and they think I'm being mean by trying to talk about it, like I need to get over what happened - but the problem is, they never changed how they acted; I don't think they realise that how they are acting is /still/ hurting so much
But they also really seem to struggle with communication - they take so long to reply if I message them, then they say it's because they find communication difficult - and I feel so bad, because maybe that is true - but it also feels a bit like an excuse. They also don't like talking on the phone and I can't see them in person (long story)
Essentially I think the problem is is that I love them but they don't really care much about me. That's not their fault, but it hurts, and I can't move on for various reasons

it's definitely hard when you're left with so many unanswered questions. i think in this situation you have to do what's best for you and that might be closure? its unfortunate communication is so hard for some people, but it's understandable. confrontation whether small or large can be really scary and difficult. i hope you're able to find some closure about the whole situation and they're able to give you some xx

 

[wildflowers1996]

it's definitely hard when you're left with so many unanswered questions. i think in this situation you have to do what's best for you and that might be closure? its unfortunate communication is so hard for some people, but it's understandable. confrontation whether small or large can be really scary and difficult. i hope you're able to find some closure about the whole situation and they're able to give you some xx

thank you, you're so kind :( it's just so hard because idk I think essentially I'm just trying to delude myself into thinking that they actually care - because they will /say/ they do, but then not act like it, and I think they only say it to avoid upsetting me but maybe it'd just be better if they were honest idk. I just miss them so much; I know soulmates sounds like such a stupid concept but I felt like I could only connect with them in a way I could never with anyone else so I just miss them so much but they don't really want me any more. And I think that's why I acted so badly - I just wanted them to care and they don't and that's not their fault but I guess I wanted to blame them

everyone here is so kind; I really appreciate people taking the time to listen to me because I never have that anywhere else

 

[livinginsorrow]

thank you, you're so kind :( it's just so hard because idk I think essentially I'm just trying to delude myself into thinking that they actually care - because they will /say/ they do, but then not act like it, and I think they only say it to avoid upsetting me but maybe it'd just be better if they were honest idk. I just miss them so much; I know soulmates sounds like such a stupid concept but I felt like I could only connect with them in a way I could never with anyone else so I just miss them so much but they don't really want me any more. And I think that's why I acted so badly - I just wanted them to care and they don't and that's not their fault but I guess I wanted to blame them

everyone here is so kind; I really appreciate people taking the time to listen to me because I never have that anywhere else

i'm here to listen anytime you need! and i totally understand ); it's so heartbreaking being pushed away or feeling unwanted when all you want is to be wanted. i totally understand you and am there for you and want you to know i'm here to support you however you need <3333 you will get through this because you're strong!!! and you sound so lovely! so if they don't want you (which we don't know is the case - they could just being going through some stuff) then that's totally their loss!