Failed.Angel
New Member
- Oct 11, 2024
- 3
First, I would like to thank everyone who wrote on my first thread. I absolutely have read every comment and could share with you guys.
I feel I have no right to comment about your experiences, that is why I have not replied to anyone, but I am so glad you guys shared with me.
That being said, I have been so serene to ctb as my hopes leaks away the further I try to delude myself things will really improve or be worth. I just don't fit, and I really am the type of person who knows we will always suffer, but besides all the ups and downs, the ups and reasons for you to keep being beaten should outweigh the downs. That is really not the case for me.
I have already been diagnosed depression, and I am planning to confirm another mental issue soon (hehe, or yay?).
Well, I just hate this place and I lost all the reasons to make this reality worth trying. Still I am here trying but every day and every time I go out I feel I lose a bit piece of myself while questioning me why I am even doing whatever I am doing or going to do.
Later I have been thinking of my failed attempts. As I am from a 3rd world country, my options are limited. While you may think "Well you could try to die by the violence there" it is true I tell you that, but unless you get a lost bullet you will die an extreme agonizing torture death by the hands of those people, I am sure most of you have seen some gruesome deaths from countries like mine and in these cases the people dying did something to upset the people in charge. But anyway.
Well, when I didn't know better I just tried alcohol poisoning when I was 15 years old, later I tried am mix of random pills that didn't do anything besides problems and sickness.
On the more serious case, I just went and tried to jump on the last Subway track at the time of my city. I was stopped by force by the guards the paramedics came I was sedated was chained on a hospital bed and eventually went to the male Psychiatric ward where I spent two weeks, and I was let go. There most man was for drug abuse and you needed to watch out. But funny enough it was quite ok me and these 6 other guys with one chained in the bed even on this side (dangerous one).
My failure on this attempt was because I took 1 hour to arrive from where I am to the last station at the time and I got a drink to get courage and when I was about to attempt I started crying and that got the attention of the guards and the rest is history.
Well it was quite the experience and the food was quite good and so was the drugs to keep us calm. But after 2 weeks since here is a poor country I was let it go without consequences , just the agreement I should go to a free place to get therapy where this was much worse.
Nothing really was making me go there besides my family, so if I was on my own, I could just have left and no one would check on me. I still went there because my family took me. and was a terrible 3 months telling the same story every week to different therapists of why I did that. While this place is good to get free medicine you need to follow a therapy is much harder as there is a lot of lack of money and students to go there. So I just meet a different person every week for 3 months repeting myself
Eventually I got a particular one with very cheap price and I could progress.
After this, I tried to hang myself, but I was found by my sister and was sent to my therapist, bla bla. Well, here I am. 5 years later with soon 32.
My reasons are mostly failures lack of money and frustration besides hate for the place I live and can not leave. But on top of that the loss of the love of my life and the person that helped me the most on 2022 an 2023 the only partner I had since I am difficult to get intimate like normal people. I have no regrets, she is the love of my life. But I failed her, and now she is gone, and I am back to my shit "life". And since she most likely will not return I will never be able to give back all the good she gave to me both mentally and physically as here my money worth nothing.
All I needed was to plan better, and I would have avoided all this fall down of my only chance of life…
So in the end I think today of ctb on my birthday jumping on the Subway and going there sober. While I know I am going to be a terrible person for doing that, I still have some months when things can improve, maybe she will come back who knows. But above all I don't want to fail and survive.
Besides that I cut myself for years on my tights and I am considering in cutting making a deep cut on my neck from left to right.
I have no children, no money, no pets, and besides her, I don't owe anyone anything. My family can go fuck themselves with all I care, they are quite ok for having stepping on me in the past and saying shit besides we having nothing in common I keep all in good terms and avoid any kind of fight as much as possible.
I cannot repay her both financially or emotionally being here and without being a couple.
And while I have a cousin I consider a brother and I took care for 4 years like a soon until he could go stay with his mother (my mother also helped him with me) he is an adult now and I was open with him that this is it for me but I am still trying.
I know I can not keep this, specially now. I would still like to live and make a small difference around where I lived with the love of my life. But most likely this is not possible anymore and back to all the shit I always lived I am done.
Thanks for reading me.
What about you?
Really sorry for the long text.
I feel I have no right to comment about your experiences, that is why I have not replied to anyone, but I am so glad you guys shared with me.
That being said, I have been so serene to ctb as my hopes leaks away the further I try to delude myself things will really improve or be worth. I just don't fit, and I really am the type of person who knows we will always suffer, but besides all the ups and downs, the ups and reasons for you to keep being beaten should outweigh the downs. That is really not the case for me.
I have already been diagnosed depression, and I am planning to confirm another mental issue soon (hehe, or yay?).
Well, I just hate this place and I lost all the reasons to make this reality worth trying. Still I am here trying but every day and every time I go out I feel I lose a bit piece of myself while questioning me why I am even doing whatever I am doing or going to do.
Later I have been thinking of my failed attempts. As I am from a 3rd world country, my options are limited. While you may think "Well you could try to die by the violence there" it is true I tell you that, but unless you get a lost bullet you will die an extreme agonizing torture death by the hands of those people, I am sure most of you have seen some gruesome deaths from countries like mine and in these cases the people dying did something to upset the people in charge. But anyway.
Well, when I didn't know better I just tried alcohol poisoning when I was 15 years old, later I tried am mix of random pills that didn't do anything besides problems and sickness.
On the more serious case, I just went and tried to jump on the last Subway track at the time of my city. I was stopped by force by the guards the paramedics came I was sedated was chained on a hospital bed and eventually went to the male Psychiatric ward where I spent two weeks, and I was let go. There most man was for drug abuse and you needed to watch out. But funny enough it was quite ok me and these 6 other guys with one chained in the bed even on this side (dangerous one).
My failure on this attempt was because I took 1 hour to arrive from where I am to the last station at the time and I got a drink to get courage and when I was about to attempt I started crying and that got the attention of the guards and the rest is history.
Well it was quite the experience and the food was quite good and so was the drugs to keep us calm. But after 2 weeks since here is a poor country I was let it go without consequences , just the agreement I should go to a free place to get therapy where this was much worse.
Nothing really was making me go there besides my family, so if I was on my own, I could just have left and no one would check on me. I still went there because my family took me. and was a terrible 3 months telling the same story every week to different therapists of why I did that. While this place is good to get free medicine you need to follow a therapy is much harder as there is a lot of lack of money and students to go there. So I just meet a different person every week for 3 months repeting myself
Eventually I got a particular one with very cheap price and I could progress.
After this, I tried to hang myself, but I was found by my sister and was sent to my therapist, bla bla. Well, here I am. 5 years later with soon 32.
My reasons are mostly failures lack of money and frustration besides hate for the place I live and can not leave. But on top of that the loss of the love of my life and the person that helped me the most on 2022 an 2023 the only partner I had since I am difficult to get intimate like normal people. I have no regrets, she is the love of my life. But I failed her, and now she is gone, and I am back to my shit "life". And since she most likely will not return I will never be able to give back all the good she gave to me both mentally and physically as here my money worth nothing.
All I needed was to plan better, and I would have avoided all this fall down of my only chance of life…
So in the end I think today of ctb on my birthday jumping on the Subway and going there sober. While I know I am going to be a terrible person for doing that, I still have some months when things can improve, maybe she will come back who knows. But above all I don't want to fail and survive.
Besides that I cut myself for years on my tights and I am considering in cutting making a deep cut on my neck from left to right.
I have no children, no money, no pets, and besides her, I don't owe anyone anything. My family can go fuck themselves with all I care, they are quite ok for having stepping on me in the past and saying shit besides we having nothing in common I keep all in good terms and avoid any kind of fight as much as possible.
I cannot repay her both financially or emotionally being here and without being a couple.
And while I have a cousin I consider a brother and I took care for 4 years like a soon until he could go stay with his mother (my mother also helped him with me) he is an adult now and I was open with him that this is it for me but I am still trying.
I know I can not keep this, specially now. I would still like to live and make a small difference around where I lived with the love of my life. But most likely this is not possible anymore and back to all the shit I always lived I am done.
Thanks for reading me.
What about you?
Really sorry for the long text.
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